How Do the Four
Attachment Styles
Fit Into an
ENM Relationship?

Can Anxious Attachers Be in an ENM Relationship?

At a first glance, anxious attachers would be the ones least likely to enter an ENM relationship. Although some studies [1] have shown a negative relationship between anxious attachers in ENM relationships and relationship quality, other studies don’t confirm these results [4]. This means that since there is conflicting evidence, we can’t say for certain whether anxious attachers should (or should not) be in ENM relationships [4].

What we do know from research, is that anxious attachers have less positive views on ENM than avoidant attachers [4]. Moreover, they are also more likely to be dissatisfied with an ENM relationship compared to secure or avoidant attachers [4]. A less positive opinion of ENM and a likelihood to be dissatisfied with an ENM relationship can come from an anxious attacher’s insecurity towards sharing their partner with others, especially concerning feelings of jealousy.

So, why would an anxious attacher ever be in an ENM relationship?

Anxious attachers may agree to ENM because they want to please their partner, constantly seek their approval and affection, and possibly because they might want more attention from having multiple partners [3]. On the one hand, what anxious attachers fear most is abandonment, and if they feel that opening a relationship can keep their partner from leaving, they might just agree to it.

However, this would likely be a red flag in this relationship, since at least one of the partners would not be comfortable with the relationship structure. On the other hand, an anxious attacher might benefit from an ENM relationship because they will have multiple partners to attend to their emotional needs.

Finally, anxious attachers are hyper-aware of their feelings and those of their partners, meaning they are more likely to want to communicate about difficult emotions [3]. In ENM, communication is essential, so, with work on their attachment triggers, anxious attachers might just have what it takes to be in a healthy ENM relationship.

If you want to dig deeper in this topic, read our guide “Anxious attachment style in relationships“.

Is ENM the Right Choice for Avoidant Attachers?

There is a preconceived notion that avoidant attachers are more easily drawn to non-monogamy because having several low-commitment partners would keep the perfect emotional distance. However, there is no consistent evidence that the avoidant attachment style is more common (compared to the other attachment styles) among people in ENM relationships [3].

What we can frequently find in research, is that avoidant attachers have a more positive opinion of ENM [1]. Again, this is most likely because avoidant attachers prefer to keep their emotions private and may prefer to invest less in a relationship – but, this time, in multiple partners [5]. However, not all ENM relationships involve less commitment – some actually involve multiple serious commitments, as in the case with polyamory.

Still, are avoidant attachers really the best fit for ENM?

People with avoidant attachment in relationships have a harder time depending on others and allowing others to see their vulnerability. This might not be helpful when establishing connections with multiple people [3]. Polyamory, in particular, can be difficult for avoidant attachers because these relationships require a high degree of emotional intimacy and vulnerability – two common triggers for avoidant attachers [3].

So, as much as in a monogamous relationship, avoidant attachers have their strengths and shortcomings. Similarly to an anxious attacher, with some work and effort to understand themselves and their attachment triggers better, an avoidant attacher could have a healthy ENM relationship.

The (Mis)match Between ENM and Disorganized Attachment

Unfortunately, there is not enough research done specifically on disorganized attachment and ethical non-monogamy. However, we can make inferences from ENM studies that included participants high on attachment avoidance and anxiety.

For example, one study [6] has looked at the difference between hierarchical and non-hierarchical ENM relationships. A hierarchical ENM relationship is one with a primary partner(s) and secondary/tertiary relationships (this is explained in the ENM Relationship Guide). A non-hierarchical ENM relationship is one such as a throuple, where each partner is involved with the others to the same degree. For example, three people can be life partners, share a home, and maybe start a family together.

This study shows that people in a hierarchical non-monogamous relationship experience less attachment avoidance and anxiety in the relationship with their primary partner(s) compared to their secondary partner(s). This is likely the result of insecure attachers’ need for a secure base to go back to when their attachment triggers are brought to the fore.

A disorganized attacher in a relationship, who fears abandonment as well as intimacy, would likely need this type of configuration so they can feel that at least their main partner(s) will always be there when needed.

That same study showed that people in non-hierarchical ENM relationships are less likely to have higher levels of attachment avoidance and/or anxiety [6]. Since non-hierarchical ENM structures require sharing all levels of physical and emotional intimacy, this can be difficult for insecure attachers.

For disorganized attachers, this sharing can be particularly difficult to deal with, since they need their own sweet spot between closeness and space – this is so they feel supported but not overwhelmed by their multiple partners.

From a positive perspective, ENM could potentially be an interesting solution for disorganized attachers. This is because they can have different partners to fulfill their emotional needs uniquely [7].

Moreover, we can have different attachment styles with different partners [6], so we can potentially work towards healthier attachment with each partner.

For example, a disorganized attacher could have one partner that helps them feel more comfortable with intimacy and closeness, and another partner who helps them see what a healthy distance can really look like in a relationship.

The Link Between ENM & Secure Attachment

Of all of the studies that exist, one of the main findings is that people in ENM relationships reap similar benefits to secure attachers in secure relationships [8, 9, 10]. A greater percentage of polyamorous people are secure than those in monogamous relationships [3]. Since secure attachers deal with their vulnerability more easily than insecure attachers, they experience greater ease and comfort with intimacy with others.

As we’ve stated in our article on ENM myths, research shows that people in ENM relationships experience greater trust, intimacy, friendship, and honesty, as well as fewer issues with jealousy with their partners than those in monogamous relationships [8]. And you guessed it, these are all characteristics of a secure relationship.

ENM relationships can be an interesting way of working towards secure attachment. In fact, engaging and building upon multiple romantic relationships can help decrease feelings of anxiety and insecurity [10]. This is because of the higher frequency with which partners have to discuss intense emotions – in turn, this open communication is a step closer to developing secure attachment [3].