Learn the Science of Healthy Attachment Relationships
Transformational learning with a path to healing, and an exploration of how early childhood shapes your adult life of dating, relationships, and parenting.
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Introducing the Attachment Styles
PREOCCUPIED / ANXIOUS
Everytime I get a relationship they
run-a-way!
Preoccupied Attachment Styles are also known as ‘anxious’. Generally, such individuals are popular though also excessive worriers who ruminate on relationships, whether it be friendships or dating. Neediness and clinginess are not a normal aspect of relationships; rather, they are symptoms of Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment.
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DISMISSING / AVOIDANT
I don't really care if I have a relationship?
Dismissing Attachment Styles appear independent, strong and assertive, though can equally seem distant and aloof. They pursue what they want in a relationship, regardless of the other’s wants or needs. While they desire a relationship, they avoid closeness and feel uncomfortable opening up emotionally. This manifests in contempt, mistrust, and the showing of a ‘false self’.
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DISORGANIZED / FEARFUL-AVOIDANT
Why haven't I met someone that will make me happy?
Disorganized Attachment is a contradictory type that alternates between Preoccupied and Dismissing styles. Initially, they can present as confident, attractive and exciting, as if they have life all figured out. When they enter a relationship they become polarising, alternating between dismissiveness and neediness. There are often inconsistent and dissociative.
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SECURE ATTACHMENT
I want an independent person that I can enjoy life with!
Secure Attachment involves mutual respect and the resolution of issues together. This is because both partners value themselves as well as the other. It involves a reciprocal expression of feelings as well as valuing the other’s feelings. Good internal attachment means they possess the necessary skills to navigate life, which is the key outcome of the Three Pillars Method.
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PREOCCUPIED / ANXIOUS
Why am I doing everything in the relationship?
When Preoccupied Attachment Styles enter a relationship they become over-involved with the other person’s state-of-mind. They care excessively for the needs of their partners, at their own expense. They bring the past into the present and grow angry that they are not being loved in the manner they desire. They are often self-referential and blame themselves for problems, asking "what did I do?". They grow excessively clingy and insecure with their partner.
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DISMISSING / AVOIDANT
Nothing is wrong with me its you!
Individuals with Dismissing Attachment are extremely independent and aloof in relationships, and intimacy makes them feel conflicted. They do what is best for them, without taking their partner’s needs into account. They remain detached and remote from their feelings.
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DISORGANIZED / FEARFUL-AVOIDANT
I hate you. I hate you. BUT don't leave me!
Individuals with Disorganized Attachment are highly inconsistent within intimate relationships, and their partner never knows where they stand. In one moment they will be insecure and clingy, and in the next, they will be dismissive and pull away. Sometimes they will be excessively fearful, and at other times emotionally numb. For their partner, it feels like walking on eggshells.
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SECURE ATTACHMENT
We're independent and happy to spend time together or alone.
Secure Attachment is what everyone strives for. While as individuals they remain independent, they are able to build a relationship together that allows both partners to discover and grow in new ways within the context of the partnership. They are self-content, particularly in the context of intimacy. Unlike the other attachment styles, they know how to be in an intimate relationship.
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PREOCCUPIED / ANXIOUS
Its about my experience not yours.
A Preoccupied Parent over-involves themselves in their child's world, holding agendas for how they want their child to be and expecting comfort from them. The excessive worry spills over to the child, causing them to grow hyper-vigilant about their own state-of-mind and experience discomfort and other difficulties in the process of developing a strong sense of self.
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DISMISSING / AVOIDANT
No big deal! Suck it up!
A Dismissing Parent minimizes a child's experiences and feelings, which is perceived as rejection by the child. Such a parent is uncomfortable providing physical affection and comfort to their child, and are often are rigid and inflexible in their approach to parenting. The child stops reaching out to the parent and develops a distrust that their needs can be met by others.
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DISORGANIZED / FEARFUL-AVOIDANT
Loving + Fearful at the same time
A Disorganized Parent is extremely inconsistent in their parenting. At times they are over-involved and at others highly dismissive of their child's attachment needs. They can be over-stimulating, seductive, aggressive, or highly dissociative, creating a dilemma for the child that their source of attachment is also the source of fear. The child can never know if the parent will be loving, abusive, or disconnected.
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SECURE ATTACHMENT
Let me help you explore the world!
A Secure Attached Parent is very attuned to their child's state-of-mind and needs. They provide the child with a safe and secure base of comfort and reassurance, actively encouraging exploration, independence and the development of a strong sense of self.
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Start the Healing Process
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We help you understand the role attachment disturbances play in our daily lives and provide the tools to heal. We also have an entire Clinical Training Program for Mental Health Clinicians.
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Clinical Training for Mental Health Practioners
FIND OUT YOUR
INDICATIVE ATTACHMENT STYLE
INDICATIVE ATTACHMENT STYLE
LEARN HOW TO HEAL
ATTACHMENT DISTURBANCES
ATTACHMENT DISTURBANCES
CHOOSE ONE OF THE ATTACHMENT PROTOTYPES
Please choose the style that best describes you or is closest to the way you generally are in your close relationships. This self test provides an INDICATION ONLY of your Attachment Style.
The most accurate assessment is the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI)
A
It is easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am, comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don’t worry about being alone or having others not accept me.
B
I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me.
C
I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don’t value me as much as I value them.
D
I am uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others.
Relationship Questionnaire used with permission from Kim Bartholomew
Based on the work of Dr. Daniel Brown
- Daniel Brown, Ph.D. is Associate Clinical Professor of Psychology at Harvard Medical School and has served on the faculty for over 38 years.
- A senior meditation master, Dr. Brown has trained and taught with top Indo-Tibetan Bon & Buddhist lamas for more than 48 years, including lineage holders from some of the great schools of Buddhism.
- An author of 24 books, and winner of the 1999 Guttmacher Award from the American Psychiatric Association and the American Academy of Psychiatry & Law for outstanding contribution to forensic psychiatry.
- As an expert legal witness, Dr. Brown has testified in over 200 child abuse cases and served as an expert witness for prosecutors at the International War Crimes Tribunal, helping them establish a standard of evidence for victims of war atrocities.
- Dr. Brown Co-Founded The Attachment Project based on the foundations of his award-winning book Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair.
- The Three Pillars treatment method has garnered praise across the scientific and medical community, which was the recipient of the 2018 ISST-D Pierre Janet Writing Award.
