Punitiveness Schema

Are you hard on yourself when you’ve made a mistake? Maybe you feel like others should be held accountable and punished when they’re in the wrong. Or perhaps you find it hard to forgive? If so, you might have the punitiveness schema.

To answer any questions you may have regarding this schema, this article will cover the following topics:

• What the punitiveness schema is
• The causes of the punitiveness schema
• Signs of the punitiveness schema in childhood and adulthood
• How the punitiveness schema affects a person’s life
• Treatment methods for the punitiveness schema

What Is the Punitiveness Schema?

The punitiveness schema is one of 18 early maladaptive schemas (EMS). It is normal to think that serious mistakes should be punished. However, people with the punitiveness schema tend to view punishment as the only correct outcome after making a mistake, regardless of how small the mistake is or the circumstances surrounding it. As such, those with the punitiveness schema may find it difficult to forgive and move on when mistakes are made without consequences. For these reasons, the punitiveness schema can lead to anger, shame, and strained relationships.

What Causes the Punitiveness Schema?

In general, early maladaptive schemas develop in childhood when a primary caregiver is not attuned to their child’s needs. Typically, the punitiveness schema develops because mistakes made in childhood resulted in punishment, criticism, and/or humiliation. Depending on the child’s situation, this may have included physical or emotional abuse.

Through phrases like: “Don’t do that!” “You’re doing it wrong,” or “You got what you deserved,” the child learns that mistakes are not acceptable and that forgiveness and empathy are misguided. When they or others do not act in the “right” way, they may feel that the “offender” deserves to be punished or to have things go wrong for them. Often this schema is a result of caregivers having rigid ways of thinking about how things should be done. Even more than other schemas, the punitiveness schema is passed down throughout the generations.

Signs of the Punitiveness Schema

Punitiveness is the belief that mistakes should be punished rather than forgiven. Most people with this schema will punish their own mistakes through negative self-talk. However, some may punish themselves through self-harm. If you have been, or are thinking about, harming yourself, it is important to seek professional help.

Commonly, those with the punitiveness schema have also the unrelenting standards/hypercriticalness schema and/or the defectiveness/shame schema. Both of these schemas can leave the person feeling as though they are not as good as they should be and, thus, may also feel they deserve punishment. Additionally, if the person with the punitiveness schema has experienced abuse during childhood, they may also have the mistrust/abuse schema.

The signs of the punitiveness schema in childhood and adulthood are as follows:

Punitiveness Schema in Childhood

Children with the punitiveness schema tend to view punishment as the natural outcome of making mistakes. As such, they may try very hard to avoid being punished, even in situations where no punishment would naturally be given. When they are unsure of what to do, their internal voice will warn them that not performing well will result in punishment. Many may see this internal voice as positive, steering them away from failure and harm, and forcing them to learn better and faster. However, this self-talk only leaves them feeling inadequate and ashamed of themselves.

Such children may also feel the need to ensure that others are punished too. If they see other children getting away with things they think are unacceptable, they may feel the need to ensure justice is carried out. They may criticize their peers or tattle on them to adults. They may also view other children as being weak for making the “wrong choices” and deserving if things go badly afterward. This lack of empathy and forgiveness can result in strained relationships with other children, and consequently fewer friendships and being ostracized from games.

Punitiveness Schema in Adults

Adults with the punitiveness schema tend to believe that people must be held accountable for their actions. They also believe that mistakes, inappropriate behavior, inability to meet standards, and moral failings should be punished, regardless of their severity. They may also become upset when others are not punished for their mistakes. In the case of one’s self, punishment is often seen as a necessary part of self-improvement and success.

A large part of the punitiveness schema is passing judgment on oneself and others. People with the punitiveness schema may have an overly critical and cruel internal voice. They may also be morally inflexible, tending to view behavior in terms of black and white. As such, excuses and mitigating circumstances are not acceptable. For example, a tired employee with a newborn baby would be expected to give the same level of attention in a meeting as a well-rested employee. This no-excuses mentality makes it difficult for those with the punitiveness schema to empathize with others. However, this mentality also applies to themselves: If they make a mistake, they feel that they have been weak and experience high levels of distress.

Consequences of the Punitiveness Schema in Adults

Individuals with the punitiveness schema tend to feel worried about their flawed behavior and what it means about them. They may feel ashamed and inadequate, unable to live up to what they feel is the “right” way to live. They may also have low self-esteem due to their overly critical inner voice. Thus, they may resent others for being more laid-back.

Due to their black-and-white thinking, those with the punitiveness schema may also feel angry and frustrated at what they see as miscarriages of justice. When others do not follow the rules and things go wrong, they may feel it was justified and deserved. However, whenever things do go well for others, they might get upset and dwell on it. They may even wish ill onto these people and act harshly with them. In many cases, they even feel like it is their responsibility to correct the ‘offender’s’ behavior and deal out punishment. For all of these reasons, it can be difficult for those with the punitiveness schema to forgive themselves and others when mistakes are made. They may hold grudges, even if the mistake made was due to circumstances outside the person’s control.

These beliefs and actions can mean that relationships for those with the punitiveness schema can be difficult. Others may keep their distance due to their critical nature and their inability to relax. Likewise, those with the schema may feel that others are too lax and not pushing themselves hard enough. This can lead those with the punitiveness schema to feel lonely and disconnected from others.

As they often feel angry with others and ashamed of themselves, someone with the punitiveness schema is likely to feel a great deal of stress in their everyday lives. Due to this high-stress response, they may be more prone to stress-related illnesses, such as heart, auto-immune, and digestive problems. Additionally, whenever they feel the need to punish themselves, they could resort to unhealthy coping strategies, such as food denial or control, or self-harm.

Punitiveness Schema Test

Would you like to know how you would score on this maladaptive schema? Take the quiz on all the maladaptive schemas now!

How Punitiveness Affects Someone

People with the punitiveness schema fall into one of three main ways of coping when triggered: avoidance, overcompensation, or surrendering.

Avoidance

Those with the punitiveness schema may try to deal with it by avoiding anything that triggers it. Typically they may avoid situations in which they may make a mistake, particularly novel situations. If they are unable to avoid such situations, it may result in procrastination – which can have serious ramifications for their working lives. They may also avoid contact with others to lessen exposure to others’ mistakes. As this is often unavoidable, they may try to keep their contact with others superficial.

Overcompensation

It can be difficult for those with the punitiveness schema to overcompensate for their beliefs and so doing so is uncommon. If they try to act in ways contrary to their belief that mistakes should result in punishment by purposefully making mistakes, their harsh internal voice will punish them anyway, regardless of the external consequences.

Surrendering

Most often, those with the punitiveness schema surrender to it. These people adhere to the belief that mistakes should be punished. They may tend to hold themselves to high standards and be quite hard on themselves whenever they perceive they’ve made a mistake. If they have an intimate relationship or a family, they may be overly critical of their loved ones’ mistakes, even if they are small and due to mitigating circumstances.

Individuals with the punitiveness schema may also tend to attract, and be attracted to, those who present themselves as being perfect, as this is what they strive to be. However, as perfection doesn’t exist, such people could potentially be manipulative and take advantage of the need to not make mistakes, to benefit themselves.

Punitiveness Treatment/Therapy

Those with the punitiveness schema may need help becoming more compassionate towards themselves and others. Schema Therapy focuses on the therapeutic relationship and experiences of early childhood to challenge maladaptive schemas, like the punitiveness schema. It is important to heed that while maladaptive schemas are difficult to change, with perseverance, consistency, and appropriate help, it is completely possible to improve.

Adaptive Strategies

1. Increase self-awareness

The first step in changing any schema is to fully understand how your schema affects your everyday life. The punitiveness schema is triggered whenever situations do not meet your standards, expectations, or wishes. Bearing this in mind, when do you most feel triggered? Is it at work? Do you feel it when you are driving? Is it when you are parenting your child?

When you are in these situations, take note of what your internal voice is telling you at these times. Is it being cruel? How are you treating yourself and others when you feel triggered? Is this how you want to treat them? The frequency and harshness with which your critical internal voice speaks to you may be shocking. When you are aware of your internal voice being critical, try taking a moment to label it for what it is – an unhelpful and unempathetic opinion on how people should be treated when making mistakes.

The punitiveness schema may have been passed down through many generations. Recognize that if you want to change this schema, you will need to be aware of your family dynamic as well as your internal voice. It’s understandable if it is more difficult to be around family while you are trying to change your internal voice.

2. Challenge your rationale

“The Queen … screamed ‘Off with her head! Off—’
‘Nonsense!’ said Alice, very loudly and decidedly, and the Queen was silent.”
-Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

The above quote may sound silly, but it illustrates how you can step in and change your inner voice when it starts to become punitive. Ask yourself what are the positive and negative consequences of punishing mistakes without discernment. Do you feel that if you don’t punish mistakes, they are more likely to happen again? Consider whether this is true. Often punishment is less effective than explaining why the rules are beneficial to us all. Conversely, consider the benefits of being less punitive. For example, would your relationships with others be easier if you were less punitive? Make a list of the positive consequences of being more compassionate and refer back to it whenever your schema is triggered.
You may also believe that success, dedication, and hard work are all products of punishing past mistakes. Regardless of whether that is true, it also leads to people becoming afraid of making mistakes. Mistakes are not only part of life, they are also part of productive and meaningful leaps forward in both our personal and professional lives. It is often said that failure is the best teacher. Don’t limit your growth out of fear. Ask yourself how much more successful, dedicated, and hard-working you would be if your mistakes weren’t punished.

3. Practice compassion and forgiveness

A key feature of the punitiveness schema is not taking into consideration how other factors can influence a person’s behavior. For example, if a typically punctual colleague was late to work because their car unexpectedly broke down, a person with a punitiveness schema may feel they should be punished for their tardiness, despite their record of punctuality.

In these incidents, it is important to take into consideration the person’s intentions. Think of times when you have made a mistake. Were your intentions bad? Most likely, no. Other people are just the same. We are all just flawed humans, trying our best, and we are all worthy of love, respect, and compassion. The first step in becoming more compassionate with others is to extend compassion toward yourself. Whenever you are being critical of yourself, ask whether this will make you feel better or worse. If you are unsure if you are being critical, ask yourself whether other people would talk to you this way.

Remind yourself that being compassionate with yourself will enable you to become a happier and more rounded person. Try to forgive your past mistakes and focus on what they have taught you. As you gain more compassion and become more forgiving of your own mistakes, you will naturally find you will be better able to do the same with others. If you’re worried that this will make you more of a pushover, you can breathe a sigh of relief. Becoming more forgiving does not mean allowing others to do what they want. It is still important to have clear boundaries and to defend them when they are violated.

4. Seek therapy

If you have the punitiveness schema, you may need help in accepting human imperfection and developing compassion. The most ideal place to receive this help is within a therapeutic relationship. But keep in mind that a schema develops over many years. While treatment cannot necessarily “cure” you, it can give you the necessary tools to better manage your thoughts and feelings.