Early Maladaptive Schemas:
Social Isolation
Early Maladaptive Schemas:
Social Isolation
Do you often feel like you don’t fit in? Or perhaps get pervasive thoughts that others think you’re strange? Or maybe you feel like no-one really understands you? If so, you might have the social isolation schema.
To answer any questions you may have regarding this schema, this article will cover the following topics:
- What the social isolation schema is
- An explanation of early maladaptive schemas (EMS)
- The causes of the social isolation schema
- Signs of the social isolation schema in childhood and adulthood
- How the social isolation schema affects a person’s life
- Treatment methods for the social isolation schema
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What Is the Social Isolation Schema?
The social isolation schema is one of 18 early maladaptive schemas (EMS). While many of us feel like we don’t fit in sometimes, people with the social isolation schema feel like they never fit in because they are too different from other people. This may lead to avoiding interaction with others, thus intensifying feelings of isolation and loneliness.
Maladaptive Schemas
While most beliefs have limited impact on our everyday lives, some affect our day-to-day functioning, including how we view ourselves and interact with others. These core beliefs, or schemas, are developed in early childhood through interactions with our primary caregiver(s). However, if we had an insecure relationship with our primary caregiver(s) or if the information we based our beliefs on was inaccurate, we may develop limiting or unhelpful beliefs. These types of negative beliefs are called maladaptive schemas. Social isolation is one example of a maladaptive schema
What Causes the Social Isolation Schema?
In general, early maladaptive schemas develop in childhood when the primary caregiver is not attuned to the needs of their child. This may occur unintentionally, from the caregiver missing the child’s cues that they need something or by interpreting it as a cue for something else.
However, other circumstances may also give rise to the social isolation schema. One such example is when a caregiver treats their child differently to their siblings or makes their child feel like they will only be accepted if they behave a certain way. This may be because these caregivers do not have the internal resources to deal with their child’s behavior and satisfy their needs – for reasons such as mental illness, their past experiences, or maladaptive schemas of their own.
This schema may also arise due to the personal circumstances the child found themselves in. While these personal circumstances may not have been overtly negative, they may still have left the child feeling they were different to others. Perhaps the child was different to others for reasons of disability, sexual orientation, intelligence, or disfigurement. Or maybe the child’s entire family was different to others for reasons such as ethnicity, military background, religion, or financial status. Furthermore, interactions with others outside of the child’s home may have exacerbated any feelings of being different, especially if the child was bullied for it.
Finally, this schema could develop purely through lack of opportunity to make close connections with others. For example, if the child’s family moved a lot, they may not have had the chance to develop close friendships and to feel like they belonged within a community.
Signs of the Social Isolation Schema
As humans we evolved to be part of a tribe to ensure our survival. Due to this we all want to feel like we belong. When we do not feel this way, we experience loneliness. This is our body’s signal that we need to connect with others for our survival. However if you have the social isolation schema, you may have difficulties bonding with others.
Before delving deeper into signs of the social isolation schema, it should be noted that introversion and extroversion are completely separate from the social isolation schema. Being introverted means you feel more energized when spending time by yourself; whereas being extroverted means you feel more energized with other people. Introversion and extroversion are not to do with how comfortable you feel around other people or the core beliefs you hold about yourself. Therefore, while it is often the case that extroverts are more comfortable in social interactions, it is entirely possible for extroverted people to have the social isolation schema, and in fact, due to this personality trait, be more deeply affected by it.
The signs of the social isolation schema in childhood and adulthood are as follows:
Social Isolation Schema in Childhood
Children with the social isolation schema feel inherently different from others. Due to these feelings, they tend to keep to themselves and avoid social groups. If they do try to make friends, they may have difficulty succeeding. They may even experience bullying related to the reason they feel different. Feeling ostracized by their peers, these children might even act either verbally or physically aggressive towards others. This aggression may stem from a need to release strong emotions or to act out and understand what has happened to them.
Alternatively, some children with the social isolation schema may work extra hard in order to be accepted by their peers. They could become passive, hoping to please others, or they may become charming and extremely social. While this strategy has strengths, it ultimately reinforces the belief that they must work harder than others to be accepted because they are different. Despite being accepted, they will likely continue to feel lonely and isolated.
Social Isolation Schema in Adults
Adults with the social isolation schema tend to feel like they do not belong anywhere and that they are always on the outside of groups. They may feel that others do not truly understand them. Such feelings make it hard for them to connect to other people, making them feel that they need to try hard in order to be accepted.
As a result of these thoughts and beliefs, adults with the social isolation schema may feel a great deal of self-consciousness and anxiety around other people. Despite wanting to be a part of a social group, their feelings of being different may mean they do not actually enjoy being around others. They may even adopt a public persona in order to navigate social interactions. But doing so can lead to even more intense feelings of loneliness and isolation within social interactions. In the end, these intense feelings can lead to avoiding social interactions completely, further intensifying the sensations of loneliness and isolation.
Adults with the social isolation schema may also be highly critical of themselves. This is further compounded by negative self-comparison with others. They may assume that everyone else finds it easier to connect with one another and so the problem must be with them. This type of thinking further reinforces the belief that they are different.
Understandably, individuals with the social isolation schema may experience a great deal of stress and develop unhealthy coping strategies. Most commonly, they may use substances, such as alcohol or drugs, in order to relax in group settings or to self-soothe feelings of loneliness and anxiety.
Social Isolation Schema Test
If you wish to receive a rating of how highly you score on each of the maladaptive schemas, including social isolation, you can take the free quiz on maladaptive schemas here.
How People Cope With Social Isolation
Having the social isolation schema means that it can be difficult to interact with others. On one hand, such individuals want to feel like they belong, but on the other hand they feel left out when they do interact with others. For many, it may feel like being between a rock and hard place. To cope with these difficult and conflicting feelings, people with the social isolation schema tend to react in one of three ways – avoidance, overcompensation or surrendering.
Avoidance
Typically people with the social isolation schema will avoid social interactions. Feeling anxious and like they don’t belong during social interactions means the very act itself is a deterrent. So, someone with this schema may find social interactions to be “fake” and believe that they can only really be themselves in their own company.
While isolating from other people may initially be comforting, unfortunately this behavior worsens feelings of loneliness. If someone with the social isolation schema does begin to make friends, they may inadvertently sabotage it, by pushing them away. This is to ensure they avoid, what they feel is, inevitable rejection once other people realize how different they really are.
Overcompensation
Alternatively, someone with the social isolation schema may overcompensate for their beliefs through their behavior. Doing so may look like acting overly sociable and friendly. Alternatively, they may work hard on how they appear, either physically or in their social presence. They may also maintain a highly active social media presence.
In one way, overcompensation may have a positive impact. It helps people with the social isolation schema connect with others and feel part of a community. However, in a bid to be accepted, these people may be using public personas and hiding who they really are. Such behavior may also be accompanied by the belief that others would reject them if they got to know them properly. Additionally, these individuals may feel exhausted after such social interactions as they try to behave in, what they think is, the most “acceptable” way. In the end, overcompensation just reinforces feelings of loneliness and not being understood.
Surrendering
Some may cope with their social isolation schema by surrendering to it. These people fully buy into the belief that they are different from others and will not fit in. So, they may decide to avoid social situations completely and self-identify as a loner. While this may be a relief in some ways, it only further intensifies feelings of loneliness and isolation, and reinforces the belief that they are different from others.
Social Isolation Treatment/ Therapy
Feeling like you belong is a core need. Therefore, having the social isolation schema and avoiding social interactions can lead to feelings of loneliness and possibly anxiety and depression. Given that people with the social isolation schema tend to avoid social interaction due to feelings of being misunderstood, undergoing therapy may be extremely uncomfortable – but it’s nevertheless a key component in positive growth.
Schema Therapy focuses on early childhood experiences and the therapeutic relationship itself in order to challenge maladaptive schemas. With the social isolation schema, it may also be necessary to work on improving social skills in order to aid recovery. It is also important to note that while maladaptive schemas are difficult to change, with commitment, consistency, and appropriate treatment, it is entirely possible to achieve positive change.
Adaptive Strategies
Be objective
How we feel social interactions have played out is colored by our emotions and biases. Try to be more objective. Make a list of the personal traits that you feel are different from other people. Ask yourself if you are truly different for having them? Are there other people who have the same differences? No-one is totally unique. Seek out groups of people with related interests and/or people who have overcome similar obstacles.
Also try to be objective in the treatment you have been receiving from other people. What if you are not different after all? If other people have been making you feel different, ask yourself objectively whether their behavior is appropriate. If your best friend was treated in the same way, would you think it was unfair? If you come to the conclusion that other people have been treating you unfairly or appropriately, take action. Address this issue within your workplace if you are being discriminated against and make changes in your personal life to ensure you are properly supported. You have the right to be respected and treated well in all areas of your life.
Be yourself
“She had blue skin, And so did he. He kept it hid. And so did she. They searched for blue, Their whole lives through, Then passed right by – And never knew.”
– Shel Silverstein
It may be easier said than done, but if you want to find others that make you feel understood, you must be willing to be yourself within social interactions. If you act in ways you believe to be most “acceptable” to others, you are not giving other people the chance to fully get to know and connect with you. While it may feel easier to hide who you really are by faking a smile, in reality it’s a wasted opportunity to find someone you can truly connect with.
Being yourself may mean allowing vulnerability in front of people who already know you and permitting them to see you when you are not at your best. Although negative feelings will likely make you want to retreat from social interactions, try to avoid hiding how you really feel. It is a prerequisite of close friendships that you open up and allow yourself to be seen fully. After all, you never know who might have blue skin just like you.
Seek therapy
If you have the social isolation schema, you may need to work through strong emotions from past relationships. You might also have a great deal of anxiety about social interactions and may need to develop healthy expectations and improve your social skills. A therapeutic relationship is the ideal circumstance in which to explore all these factors.
McKay, M., Greenberg, M. J., & Fanning, P. (2020). Overcome Thoughts of Defectiveness and Increase Well-Being Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. New Harbinger Publications.
Padesky C. A. (1994) Schema change processes in cognitive therapy. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy, 1(5), 267–278.
Schmidt, N. B., Joiner, Jr., T. E., Young, J. E., & Telch, M. J. (1995). The schema questionnaire: Investigation of psychometric properties and the hierarchical structure of a measure of maladaptive schemas. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 19(3), 295-321.
Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema therapy. Guilford Press.
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