Benching, Cushioning, and Cookie-Jarring: Modern Dating Games Explained

Do you feel confused or uncertain about your relationship with someone in your life? Being kept around as a backup option isn’t fair to anyone, and it’s more prevalent than it’s ever been before.

Online dating has changed the way we approach relationships. It’s easier than ever to meet new potential partners, reconnect with old ones, and maintain relationships without putting in much effort. This enables relationships to perpetuate even though they might be particularly non-committal, confusing, or vague. One way this manifests is in keeping people around as “backup plan”.

Keeping backups around is one tactic people sometimes use to soften the blow in case a primary relationship doesn’t work out. People might keep potential future partners around as friends, date multiple people at once without committing, or date one person without properly committing to them while they wait for something better to come along.

These situations are becoming so common in the age of digital dating that nuanced terms, often attributed to gen Z, have been popping up to describe them – in this article, we’ll walk you through benching, cushioning, and cookie-jarring, why they happen, how to spot them, and what to do about it.

What is Benching in Dating?

The term “benching” refers to keeping someone as a potential partner, without engaging in a relationship with them. Its name comes from the practice of benching in team sports like soccer and basketball, where substitute players wait on the bench in case they’re needed to play the game.

For example, say you meet someone on a dating app and go on one or two dates, but it ultimately fizzles out. You stay friends and sometimes wonder if there might still be potential for a relationship to develop, only to find out that they’re now in a committed relationship with someone else. They may just be keeping you on the sidelines in case their new relationship doesn’t work – meaning they’ve benched you.

How Benching Differs from Other Dating Behaviors

If you’re familiar with ghosting, roaching and breadcrumbing, you might be wondering what the difference is between these terms and benching. When someone ghosts, they disappear without an explanation and usually can’t be reached again. In breadcrumbing and benching, the perpetrator maintains contact, even if it’s in small doses.

Breadcrumbing and benching are subtly different – breadcrumbing refers to giving a potential partner small pieces of hope to keep them interested without any intention of commitment. Breadcrumbers purposely ignore messages, sending only sporadic and unpredictable “crumbs” of attention. They primarily do this because it validates them and gives them a confidence boost¹.

Benchers don’t necessarily get your hopes up on purpose, and they might maintain a fairly regular line of communication. However, it is possible for somebody to bench and breadcrumb you at the same time. In this instance, they might drop occasional hints about a future relationship, but they don’t engage in a current romantic or sexual relationship with you.

5 Signs You’re Being Benched

Finding out you’ve been benched can be disappointing, and you’ll want to spot it as soon as possible so that you can move on to more meaningful connections and people who actively choose to be with you. A bencher often:

1. Avoids making plans: it’s natural to assume that someone you maintain an online connection with would want to meet up face to face at some point, but benchers prefer to keep you at arm’s length. They’re not likely to suggest meeting face to face and may make vague statements like “maybe another time” if you bring it up to them.
2. Keeps tabs: if someone’s keeping you on the bench, they might occasionally check on your availability. They might keep a close eye on your social media to make sure you’re still single.
3. Mismatched words and actions: for example, even though they might have given you an excuse like “I’m not ready to date,” they may be dating other people anyway. They may say they’ll call you at the weekend, but they never do.
4. Is intentionally vague: a bencher doesn’t want to give you the impression that they aren’t interested in you at all, but they don’t want to send the message that they want a meaningful relationship either. They might be intentionally vague about how they feel about you, their intentions, and their relationships with other people.
5. Breadcrumbs: yes, even though not all benchers are breadcrumbing and not all breadcrumbers are benching, if somebody sees you as a potential backup plan and intentionally gets your hopes up just to disappear unpredictably, they might be engaging in both.

It can be easy to talk yourself out of seeing these red flags – when you really like someone and they’re giving you excuses, it’s natural to want to believe them. Pay close attention to how you feel when you think about this person: are you nervous, confused, or worried? This might be a gut feeling that something is wrong.

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Cushioning and Cookie-Jarring

Cushioning and cookie-jarring are similar to benching, but these terms apply to someone you’re already dating. Someone who’s cushioning might be dating you and lots of other people at the same time, “cushioning” their fall if their primary interest doesn’t work out. Somebody who’s cookie-jarring might not be dating lots of people, but they may be dating you while still exploring their options in case somebody they’re more interested in comes along.

What is Cushioning in Relationships?

If you’re dating someone who seems to be permanently dating around and “seeing where things go”, unwilling to commit to an exclusive relationship, they might be engaging in cushioning. You might notice that they avoid conversations about the future and become uncomfortable if you bring it up. They may or may not be open with you about the other people they’re dating, but they will likely make it clear that they don’t consider your relationship exclusive.

Cookie-Jarring: Dating Someone While Waiting for Someone Better

Like people who are cushioning, people who are cookie-jarring may also be perpetually “seeing where things go” or “taking it slow”. People who are cookie-jarring are also unlikely to be thrilled when you bring up the subject of commitment and future plans. While they may not be dating other people, they are vague in their reasons for wanting to take it slow.

Many people do prefer a slower pace of relationships and have no nefarious intentions, but if you cannot have an open conversation about it where both parties feel heard and understood afterwards then this may be a red flag for cookie-jarring or cushioning.

Why Some People Keep Dating Options on Reserve

A 2017 study on why people engage in benching revealed that people with unrestricted sociosexuality (an openness to sexual relationships without commitment) and higher scores on sensation seeking (searching for experiences that are new and exciting) were more likely to keep people on the bench².

This paper also examined the personality traits of people who keep others on the bench. They thought that because people who tend towards infidelity score higher on narcissism, Machiavellianism, and neuroticism, their results would show the same trends. However, their study showed no associations between the number of people they had on the bench and personality traits, implying key differences between people who keep someone on the back burner while in a relationship and people who act on having other options.

Whether someone is currently in a committed relationship or not doesn’t appear to influence the likelihood they have someone in reserve, and men and women are equally likely to engage in this behavior³. However, men and people who are single or casually dating may be more likely to engage in cushioning or cookie-jarring, while women and people in committed relationships are more likely to engage in benching by keeping their backburner relationships strictly platonic.

6 Reasons People Keep You On The Backburner

A team of researchers in the Netherlands asked over 750 people why they kept backburners around⁴. Six main motivations emerged:

1. The possibility of sexual intimacy: Some of the participants kept backburners around because they were currently, or hoping to later, engage in sexual intimacy with them.
2. Previous romantic feelings: Some kept ex-partners, first loves, or past romances on the backburner.
3. The possibility of a romantic relationship: Some people maintained friendships with people they hoped they could later form a romantic relationship with.
4. Sense of excitement: For some participants, the fun and excitement they felt while communicating with backburners was enough to keep them around.
5. Keeping tabs: Some people maintained social contact because they wanted to keep tabs on their backburners’ lives.
6. No real reason: In some cases, people just couldn’t identify the reason they wanted to keep someone around on the backburner.

Keeping people around as options can serve different purposes, or in some cases, no apparent purpose at all. It may be that people who don’t have a reason are acting on a more deeply-ingrained instinct.

Attachment Styles and Backup Dating Strategies

Your attachment style may also influence your use of backup dating strategies – insecure attachment styles are characterized by avoidance and anxiety, both of which could lead a person to rely on backup options for emotional security.

People who tend towards avoidance may keep someone on the backburner to maintain a degree of emotional distance from their primary interest. By putting this distance between themselves and their partner, they effectively protect themselves from the discomfort of intimacy.

People with anxious attachment styles may keep backup options around out of fear of abandonment – this way, if their primary interest leaves they have someone to fall back on as an emotional safety net. They could also use backup options to validate themselves if their partner is unable to meet their needs on their own.

We don’t have a lot of research on this area yet, but we can draw on a few studies to suggest that this might be worth a deeper look: unrestricted sociosexuality, associated with benching, is positively correlated with insecure attachment styles⁵. This implies that insecure attachment styles might correlate positively with benching too.

Sensation seeking was also associated with benching, and researchers have found a link between sensation seeking and insecure attachment styles⁶, ⁷. It’s suggested that people with secure attachment styles are able to better regulate themselves without sensation seeking behaviors, but it’s worth mentioning that results can differ between studies – lots of other factors like age, coping mechanisms, and personality can come into play, making it difficult to tease out the true nature of these relationships. What we’re saying is, the link between sensation seeking and attachment styles may give us a clue to the link between attachment styles and keeping people on the backburner, but there’s a lot left to discover on this topic.

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How Social Media and Dating Apps Enable These Behaviors

In any case, it’s clear that the integration of social media into our everyday lives has bolstered this kind of behavior. It’s easier than it’s ever been to keep in contact with someone without committing to any kind of meaningful relationship, and benching, cushioning, and cookie-jarring all take place primarily over instant messaging⁸, ⁹.

Social media enables us to get back in touch with old flames, keep tabs on potential partners, and seek out compatible people with very little effort. Dating apps in particular give us the illusion that there are endless options, which can leave some people stuck in a state of decision paralysis¹⁰. With so many people to choose from, the fear of missing out on a better partner can prevent people from making a commitment to one who might be a perfectly good match, leading them to keep other people around on the backburner just in case.

The Emotional Impact of Being Someone’s Backup Option

Being someone’s backup plan isn’t a good feeling – it can be confusing and frustrating to feel more interested in someone than they are in you, especially when they might be giving you mixed signals. It can be particularly upsetting to be cushioned or cookie-jarred, as you might want more commitment from your partner than they’re willing to give.

“Back burner relationships can cause emotional distress to those involved, leading to the partner on the receiving end feeling neglected, insecure, or used,”
Jade Thomas MBACP via Glamour Magazine

Studies tell us that backburner relationships affect the perpetrator too, with secretive behaviors leading to increased stress¹¹. This is even more true when the person on the backburner is an ex partner – the more communication is involved, the more negative the person doing the backburning tends to feel¹².

For those on the receiving end, the realization that they’re on the backburner often leads to anger. On the positive side, this anger seems to make it easier to end the relationship. Many who have successfully broken free from a backup plan relationship say that they feel relief, empowerment, and a sense of closure afterwards.

How to Respond When You’re Being Benched, Cushioned, or Cookie-Jarred

When you’re being benched, cushioned, or cookie-jarred, it’s important to think about what you want from the relationship, communicate, and set new boundaries.

1. Understand how this relationship is affecting you: When you think about or talk to this person, how do you feel before, during, and afterwards? Sometimes, we may have a gut feeling about a relationship before we realize it isn’t good for us. This can manifest as anxiety, uncertainty, or insecurity.
2. Decide what you need from this relationship: If your relationship with this person isn’t giving you what you need, it’s important to understand what you want to change. Do you want to pursue a more committed relationship with this person, or would you rather move on?
3. Communicate your needs with your partner: Your partner isn’t a mind reader – if you need something to change, calmly talk to them about what you need. Be prepared that they may not want the same things you do.
4. Place new boundaries: Whether or not you decide to move forward with the relationship, you will likely need new boundaries in place to make sure things don’t go back to the way they were. This may look like agreeing to limit communication with you or with other backburners, restricting their access to your social media profile, or cutting contact completely.

Conclusion

Benching, cushioning, and cookie-jarring can be confusing terms at first, but they’re all subtly different ways of identifying backburner relationships. People who don’t commit, make vague future plans, or keep tabs on you without initiating a more meaningful relationship might be keeping you on the backburner. This protects them from the pain of your primary interest not working out, but it can cause the other person to feel confused, distressed, and unvalued. If you’re interested in someone who might be keeping you on the backburner, take some time to reflect on your relationship and consider putting new boundaries in place.

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FAQs About Modern Dating Games

What is benching in Gen Z?

Benching is when someone you don’t currently have a romantic or sexual relationship with keeps you around as a potential future option, even though they have no interest in the present.

What does cushioning someone mean?

Cushioning someone means you’re dating them but also lots of other people, making sure there are always other options around in case your primary interest doesn’t work out.

Am I being cookie-jarred?

Being cookie-jarred is dating someone who’s only dating you, but is unwilling to commit in case a better option comes around. If your partner is vague about future plans and not willing to talk about taking the next step in a relationship, they may be cookie-jarring you.

Is cushioning considered cheating?

Whether cushioning is considered cheating depends on the context of your relationship. If you have agreed that you’re seeing other people or you haven’t yet defined this aspect of your relationship, you may not consider cushioning to be cheating.

References

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