The Honeymoon Phase and Your Attachment Style: What Happens Next?

You’ve probably heard of the honeymoon phase – those early stages of a relationship where everything feels electric, you and your partner seem perfect for each other, and you just can’t get enough of them. Whether or not you’ve experienced it for yourself, you might be wondering whether every relationship has a honeymoon phase, and if the honeymoon phase really has to end.

In this article, we’ll deep dive into the psychology and the neuroscience behind the honeymoon phase, how your attachment style shapes your experience of the honeymoon phase, and what to do about anxiety around the end of the honeymoon phase.

What Is the Honeymoon Phase?

The honeymoon phase is the very first stages of dating, characterized by heightened passion, intense attraction, and idealization of each other. Researchers describe the honeymoon phase as:

“…includes a high level of arousal and excitement as the [couple] gets to know one another. In this phase, the relationship is fairly casual and involves mostly positive interactions as partners are presenting themselves favorably.” [1]

The honeymoon phase can be likened to limerence, although limerence typically occurs when there’s a lack of certainty in the potential relationship, and it dissipates when one begins.

The period after a wedding, during the literal honeymoon, can also be considered a honeymoon phase for the newlywed couple. You might also experience a honeymoon phase when rekindling a relationship with an ex – the excitement of a new step isn’t limited to the first few dates.

The end of the honeymoon phase is when relationships start to feel more committed, but this can come with a decrease in relationship satisfaction that some researchers call “the honeymoon-is-over effect”.

The Neuroscience of the Honeymoon Phase

Neuroscience tells us that the honeymoon phase isn’t a myth – brain activity is visibly different during the early stages of romantic love [2]. When we’re in these stages, dopamine-rich brain areas associated with reward and motivation activate in resposne to our partners. These same brain mechanisms are implicated in addiction, which might explain why the honeymoon phase can feel so exciting.

However, it’s important to note that falling in love is not the same as addiction. Their shared brain areas have led to an oversimplified understanding of love and addiction, but the actual brain mechanisms involved are more complex [3]. For example, there are natural feedback mechanisms involved in love that stop us from destructive behaviors, which aren’t present in addiction.

As well as dopamine, cortisol, serotonin, and norepinephrine play a role in these initial stages, as well as honeymoon phase hormones like estrogen and testosterone [3]. As relationships deepen, oxytocin and vasopressin come into play to support long-term attachments.

How Long Does the Honeymoon Phase Last?

People usually report that the honeymoon phase lasts from a few months to a couple of years. In one study of relationship satisfaction over time, relationship satisfaction typically decreased from the start, reaching a low point at 10 years, then increasing again until another dip at the 20 year mark [4]. This study factored in the age of the participants, which showed a similar pattern with a low point at age 40.

This pattern stayed the same even through relationship transitions like sharing a household and getting married. The one relationship factor that did appear to influence relationship satisfaction was the presence of children, which predicted lower relationship satisfaction.

Another study looking at the 4 year trajectories of 464 newlywed couples found 5 different trajectory groups [5]:

• Stable-High: Marital satisfaction started high and stayed high throughout the study.
• Minimal Decline-Moderately High: Marital satisfaction started moderately high and only declined a little, but consistently, throughout the study.
• Minimal Decline-Moderate: Marital satisfaction started at a moderate level and showed a slight but consistent decline.
• Substantial Decline-Moderate: Martial satisfaction started at a moderate level then declined quickly in the first 3 years, before increasing a little and stabilizing at the end of the third year.
• Substantial Decline-Low: Marital satisfaction started out low, close to or in “clinical distress”, and decreased considerably with some fluctuations.

This means that the honeymoon-is-over effect doesn’t happen in every marriage; 13% of husbands and 20% of wives were in the stable-high group. Positive mood and personality traits, plus low stress and low aggression, are associated with more favorable trajectories.

What are the signs the honeymoon phase is over?

Although the end of the honeymoon phase is often associated with negative outcomes, it actually signifies the deepening of intimacy in the relationship – so, not all signs of the honeymoon effect are unwanted. One study noted the following differences between the honeymoon phase and more established relationship phases [1]:

After the honeymoon phase…

• Emotional intimacy increased
• More positive negotiation tactics were used during conflict, but;
• More desctructive communication was used
• Psychological aggression increased

It makes sense that this happens when we start to become more comfortable with one another. Without the pressure to impress our partner, we stop putting our best foot forward and show our truer selves – sometimes this results in building trust and intimacy, but sometimes it reveals communication struggles.

What Comes After the Honeymoon Phase?

The end of the honeymoon phase is bittersweet – the relationship is not as exciting anymore, but it is deeper and more intimate. However, every relationship is different, and there are things you can do to manage this transition.

Focusing on positive communication and emotional regulation can help you to keep your relationship satisfaction high, even through its natural ebbs and flows.

After the honeymoon phase, we find out whether we’re really compatible. Some relationships will end at this stage, and that’s okay. Remember that this is a natural part of the relationship process, and focus on how you can grow and learn from the breakup.

How Attachment Styles Shape the Honeymoon Phase

The way you experience and navigate the end of the honeymoon phase could be influenced by your attachment style.

Secure Attachment

If you have a secure attachment style, you might have higher emotional regulation skills and therefore find it easier to navigate relationship transitions. While you might still enjoy the honeymoon phase, you might have more realistic expectations about relationships and look forward to the deepening intimacy that comes with relationship progression.

Anxious Attachment

If you have an anxious attachment style, your willingness to attach and desire for intimacy might make the honeymoon phase feel particularly exciting. It can also be extra anxiety-inducing due to the potential uncertainty around the early stages of relationships.

The end of the honeymoon phase could also be both reassuring and unsettling – as you navigate more conflict together, you might feel afraid of losing your partner as abandonment fears creep in. At the same time, achieving genuine intimacy after resolving conflict can feel reassuring. The extent to which your attachment anxiety is triggered might depend on how you’re navigating the end of the honeymoon phase individually and as a couple.

Avoidant Attachment

If you have an avoidant attachment style, you might particularly enjoy the low commitment and low emotional intensity of the honeymoon phase. The transition into greater intimacy can feel uncomfortable, as trusting others and building close relationships might feel unsafe.

This can lead you to change your attitude to your partner; during the honeymoon phase, you might have been genuinely excited and looking forward to the future with your partner, but doubts can settle in as the relationship progresses. Your partner can feel confused and uncertain if they pick up on this – try to be open and honest with yourself and your partner, and consider moving forward at a pace that feels more comfortable for you.

Fearful-Avoidant

People with the fearful-avoidant attachment style can find it particularly difficult to navigate transitions out of the honeymoon phase. The combination of attachment avoidance and attachment anxiety can make the increasing intimacy and relationship challenges difficult to manage.

Focusing on attachment security and positive communication skills, as well as sharing your thoughts and feelings with your partner, can help you to move your relationship forward in a way that feels comfortable for you.

Feeling Anxious About the End of the Honeymoon Phase

Anxiety about the end of the honeymoon phase is normal – it can feel like a loss, and in a way it is, even though it comes with positive relationship changes too. Feeling anxious about this relationship transition is understandable, and the transition itself can be a stressor that triggers attachment insecurity.

The anxiety itself isn’t a sign that something is wrong. Conflict is also normal at this stage – as long as you feel safe physically and psychologically during disagreements, and you’re able to resolve them healthily and approach them as a team, this isn’t something to worry about.

If you haven’t talked to your partner about your feelings about the end of the honeymoon phase yet, it might help you to understand how both of you feel. It can feel reassuring to hear their perspective, and overcoming this together can be another step forward.

Conclusion

The honeymoon phase can look different for different relationships, but it’s a normal, even neurobiologically grounded experience. It’s also normal to feel nervous about the end of the honeymoon phase, but the loss of the initial excitement and ease comes with the gain of genuine closeness and intimacy.

Understanding your attachment style, as well as your partner’s, can help you both to understand how you experience and manage the end of the honeymoon phase. If you have an insecure attachment style, this period can be particularly triggering.

Find out more about your attachment style and get your personalized results with our free attachment quiz.

FAQs About the Honeymoon Phase

Is the honeymoon phase real?

The honeymoon phase is a real experience, although it can look different in different relationships.

Do all relationships have a honeymoon phase?

Not all relationships have a honeymoon phase, but most of us do experience heightened excitement and interest in partners in the beginning.

Can the honeymoon phase last forever?

The nature of your relationship will inevitably change with time, but some couples do keep relationship satisfaction high years into the relationship. Good communication and positive attitudes support this.

Is it the honeymoon phase or love bombing?

The honeymoon phase is exciting, but it shouldn’t feel rushed. If you feel like your partner is moving too fast and making unrealistic promises and statements, it might be love bombing.

Does the honeymoon phase come back?

Relationships ebb and flow, and we can experience a “honeymoon phase” more than once, e.g. after getting married as well as after starting the relationship. However, this also means we can experience the end of the honeymoon phase multiple times – these relationship changes are normal.

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