Infatuation: What It Is, What It Does to You, and How to Tell Infatuation from Love

By Katie Caygill Pocock (MSc. Clinical Neuropsychiatry, BSc. Psychology with Neuroscience), Clinically Reviewed by Dr. Teyhou Smyth, Adjunct Professor of Psychology, Pepperdine University

Infatuation is an intense, exciting feeling of attraction and romantic interest in another person. It’s easily mistaken for love, or even limerence, but psychologists define each one differently. According to one popular model, infatuation and attachment are actually the two components that make up love¹.

In this article, we’ll explain the differences between infatuation and attachment, the psychology behind infatuation, and what to do when infatuation starts to feel unhealthy.

What Is Infatuation?

Psychologists have defined infatuation as “the overwhelming, amorous feeling for that one special person”, noting that it’s also referred to as passionate love or attraction¹. Speaking to The Attachment Project, licensed counselor and professor at Pepperdine University Dr. Teyhou Smyth says:

“Clinically speaking, infatuation is described as a psychological state that is driven by intense attraction and the idealization of the other person. It often entails intense preoccupation with the other person which is often accompanied with a strong physiological arousal and a fantasy aspect involving the ‘potential’ of the relationship. Long term romantic love differs as it involves the attachment system including feelings of emotional safety and security within the relationship. Infatuation can be particularly powerful when it includes the element of uncertainty involving an intermittent reward pattern making it feel very addictive.”

Some people think of infatuation as just a crush, or an “immature” kind of love. Although we are more likely to experience infatuation in the early stages of a romantic relationship, it can still be considered a kind of love. With that said, we do sometimes wind up infatuated with the idea of a person instead of the person themselves.

Infatuation Varies by Country and Culture: The Attachment Project Limerence Study

We developed our own measure of limerence, The Attachment Project Limerence Test, which was psychometrically validated by an external research consultant, Dr. Vladimir Hedrih, Professor of Psychology at the University of Niš in Serbia. Among the 4 subscales that emerged, one measured Infatuation.

The most infatuated countries were also typically the most limerent. Turkey and Hungary were close to a tie for the top spot in Infatuation, but Turkey ultimately came out as the most infatuated country. Low-scoring countries clustered around South-East Asia (Japan, Malaysia, Philippines, and Singapore were all in the bottom 5), but Serbia was the least infatuated country of all.

Possible cultural connections to these findings are discussed in The Attachment Project Global Limerence Study.

In the core anglosphere (UK, US, NZ, Australia, and Canada), Infatuation was the only Limerence subscale in which women consistently scored higher than men. The US scored 89.5 on Infatuation (compared to a global weighted average of 100), so was less infatuated compared to global scores, and it was the second least infatuated country in the core anglosphere group. Canada was the least infatuated in this group, followed by the US, NZ, Australia, then the UK.

Infatuation and Attachment

While infatuation is associated with emotional intensity – euphoria when the object of your affection reciprocates, insecurity and anxiety when they don’t – the development of a secure attachment to someone is associated with a sense of calm and assurance. Attachments develop over time, while infatuation can, but doesn’t always, fade.

Langeslag et al.’s Infatuation and Attachment Scale (IAS) separates the concepts of infatuation and attachment, but combines them both to measure love¹. High scores on attachment on the IAS have been linked to quicker recovery from negative events, while high scores on infatuation are associated with difficulty staying focused on a task while thinking about the object of your infatuation², ³.

Does Your Attachment Style Affect Infatuation?

There aren’t any academic studies comparing attachment styles with infatuation directly, but we can hypothesize based on what we do know about romantic attachment.

People high in romantic attachment anxiety want to establish connection quickly, so infatuation could be more intense, as intense infatuation could speed up the process. They might also stay in infatuation for longer, even as the attachment develops, given the high emotional intensity of infatuation is mirrored by attachment anxiety.

We could theorize either way when it comes to romantic attachment avoidance: they might prefer to build a connection slowly, and therefore be less likely to experience intense infatuation. At the same time, because it’s the attachment they avoid, they might experience drawn out periods of infatuation, or perhaps lean into infatuation easily with multiple people, to avoid allowing an actual attachment to develop.

Further, since infatuation is a part of the attachment process, people who are securely attached likely still experience infatuation – they just might be more emotionally regulated and able to manage its intensity better than others.

For now, these are just theories; establishing whether there’s any truth to them requires psychological research.

According to Dr. Smyth:

“Infatuation can be experienced differently based on the individual’s attachment style.

An individual with a secure attachment style can find themselves infatuated with another. They may find themselves thinking about the person often, excited, and even sexually attracted. However, they are able to tolerate uncertainty better and without their emotional system becoming completely dependent on the other person.

In anxious-preoccupied attachment, the individual can experience this as very intense where their attention can become very focused on the romantic partner. They are not able to tolerate the uncertainty and the nervous system is activated easily. The need to frequent reassurance and fear of rejection is a constant concern within the relational dynamic.

In avoidant-dismissive attachment, as the emotional closeness increases in the relationship, the attachment system can become triggered and unconsciously will regulate intimacy by creating distance.

Attachment style doesn’t determine whether someone is capable of love but will influence how they respond to uncertainty, closeness, rejection and emotional closeness.”

What Infatuation Does to Your Brain

Early romantic love activates receptors for dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins in the brain’s nucleus accumbens – the area associated with rapid reward and pleasure⁴. One thesis study found that we experience pupil dilation, hypothesized to indicate the presence of norepinephrine, to a significantly greater extent when reminded of someone we’re infatuated with versus someone we’re attached to⁵.

If just being reminded of them produces a rush of excitement in your brain, of course you can start to feel overwhelmed. However, this doesn’t have to cross into limerence – keep reading to learn the difference between infatuation and limerence.

5 Signs of Infatuation

Based on descriptions of infatuation from the IAS¹, 5 signs you might be in infatuation are:

• Daydreaming about the other person often and for long periods of time
• Feeling nervous around the other person
• Finding it difficult to concentrate due to thoughts of them
• Reading into their words and actions
• Feeling your sleep and appetite are affected by preoccupation with them

Infatuation vs. Love: The Key Differences

The IAS defines love as a combination of infatuation and attachment – when you’re both excited by the other person and comforted by them. However, this isn’t the only way we can conceptualize love and infatuation.

Many people think of love as what Langeslag et al. call “attachment”: a sense of comfort, trust, and deep bonding with someone. If we think of it this way, we might think of love as something separate to infatuation, rather than something that includes it.

Langeslag et al. also describe infatuation as something that typically comes before attachment, or love, but is infatuation necessary as a predecessor to love?

We might look at how these concepts are represented by the 6 Love Attitudes. Infatuation is conceptually linked with Eros, passionate love, which can develop into Storge, familial love, in long-term relationships. However, many successful relationships begin with other love styles, such as Pragma (practical love) – this doesn’t make the attachment they develop any less valid.

Love can be difficult to define, and our understanding of it is often shaped by our own cultural experiences. This makes it challenging to definitively distinguish infatuation from love, but we can certainly think of infatuation as those early, exciting stages of romance, whether or not it’s reciprocated.

Infatuation and Limerence

When infatuation is not reciprocated, or spends a long time in a state of uncertainty, it can lead into limerence. Limerence is like a heightened state of infatuation – the same preoccupation and emotional intensity exists, but it can be even more consuming.

Referring back to The Attachment Project Limerence Test, the remaining 3 subscales after Infatuation captured the cognitive and emotional preoccupation and impairment in daily life seen in limerence. Infatuation was considered part of Limerence, but Limerence included additional difficulties.

When Infatuation Becomes Unhealthy

Infatuation that crosses into limerence can become unhealthy – when we spend all day ruminating on a possible connection, to the extent that these thoughts and emotions get in the way of us being able to do what we need to do, we’re no longer experiencing a healthy crush. Although it’s normal for a crush to feel exciting and it may be a little distracting, it shouldn’t eclipse the things that are already important to us.

Dr. Smyth says:

“In my clinical experience, I don’t encourage clients to lean into infatuation as it is usually accompanied with issues of codependency or people pleasing behaviors which are already learning challenges and treatment goals to be overcome by the client. Infatuation often involves the emotional system operating with less information about the long term compatibility while long term love is more grounded in real knowledge, trust, and stability.”

How to Stop Obsessing Over Someone

If you find that your infatuation is overtaking your life, try to actively spend time on the things that make you feel grounded and connected to yourself – your hobbies, friendships, and activities that align with your values. The more connected you are with yourself, the deeper you’ll be able to form connections with others.

To get over infatuation, Dr. Smyth recommends seeking professional support:

“Infatuation is a complex issue and most people do not have sufficient coping skills to overcome the issue of infatuation alone. I would recommend talking to a mental health professional who is qualified and specializes in relational dynamics if required.”

If infatuation or limerence feel unmanageable, reach out to a licensed mental health practitioner for more support. Mental health therapists can help you to understand your emotions and practice emotion regulation skills.

Conclusion

Infatuation describes the exciting early stages of a romantic connection. There’s nothing wrong with infatuation itself, but an infatuation that takes over your day-to-day or crosses into limerence could be unhealthy.

Dr. Smyth notes that your attachment style can influence how you respond to infatuation, and recommends talking to a mental health professional if you are struggling to overcome infatuation alone.

FAQs

How long does infatuation last?

Infatuation has no set duration, but it typically decreases as attachment increases – although some partners report high infatuation well into their established relationship¹.

Infatuation vs. crush

A crush and infatuation are very similar, although we might think of infatuation as more intense than a crush.

Limerence vs. love vs. infatuation

Limerence happens when there’s a lack of certainty for too long, and infatuation can take over your thoughts and feelings to the extent that it impairs daily life. Love is how we usually describe the attachment that comes as the connection develops, though the IAS measures attachment and infatuation as two components of love.

How to get over infatuation

To get over infatuation, focus on yourself and the things that make you feel like you. Focus on other social relationships too, and if your infatuation becomes unmanageable, it’s okay to look for professional support.

About Dr. Teyhou Smyth

Dr. Teyhou Smyth helps individuals and couples create meaningful, balanced lives. Drawing from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Emotion Focused Therapy, she provides a compassionate and practical approach to personal growth and emotional wellbeing by using an attachment based model.

Originally from the United Kingdom, Dr. Smyth brings an international perspective. She earned her B.A. in Psychology from the University of Southern California, completed an M.A. in Sociology at Goldsmiths, University of London, earned a second Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy from the California School of Professional Psychology, and holds a Doctorate in Pedagogical Sciences.

You can find out more about Dr. Smyth at drteyhou.com.

References

1. Langeslag SJ, Muris P, Franken IH. Measuring romantic love: psychometric properties of the infatuation and attachment scales. Journal of sex research. 2013 Nov 1;50(8):739-47.
2. Langeslag SJ, van Steenbergen H. Cognitive control in romantic love: the roles of infatuation and attachment in interference and adaptive cognitive control. Cognition and Emotion. 2020 Apr 2;34(3):596-603.
3. van Steenbergen H, Langeslag SJ, Band GP, Hommel B. Reduced cognitive control in passionate lovers. Motivation and Emotion. 2014 Jun;38(3):444-50.
4. Aron A, Fisher H, Mashek DJ, Strong G, Li H, Brown LL. Reward, motivation, and emotion systems associated with early-stage intense romantic love. Journal of neurophysiology. 2005 Jul;94(1):327-37.
5. Merrill SM. An exploration of the transition from romantic infatuation to adult attachment. Cornell University; 2018.