Karmic Relationships: Meaning, Signs, Stages & What Psychology Says

The idea of a karmic relationship is one that offers hard lessons and painful growth, often felt to have lasted multiple lifetimes. While not everybody believes in karma and karmic connections, people who feel they’re in karmic relationships have shared emotional experiences that are very much real.

It’s impossible to determine whether these relationships really are predestined, but psychology does have a lot to say about intense relationships and how our beliefs about destiny shape them.

In this article, we’ll explore the emotional experience of karmic relationships and karmic soulmates, the signs of a karmic relationship, and their attachment implications.

What Is a Karmic Relationship?

Karmic relationships are relationships that are believed to have come through past lives, perhaps with unresolved lessons and growth for both partners. They tend to be very intense and perhaps volatile or unpredictable, which is thought to be part of resolving these past life conflicts. They usually end once these lessons are learned.

We believe that everybody is entitled to their own beliefs, so we won’t be focusing on whether the spiritual side of karmic relationships is real or not. However, the experiences of people who feel that they’re in karmic relationships are certainly real, so this is what we’ll be focusing on.

Therefore, our definition of karmic relationships is: intense relationships that are believed to be pre-destined to teach partners important lessons.

Karmic Relationship vs Twin Flame

A twin flame is another term for a spiritual relationship such as this. It’s believed that you can have many karmic relationships, but only one twin flame. Twin flame relationships are similarly volatile, which people in them attribute to the runner/chaser dynamic that echoes anxious and avoidant attachment.

Karmic Relationships in Attachment and Psychology

Since karmic relationships are thought to teach us lessons, people often reflect on their own attachment insecurity when experiencing karmic connections. Our attachment systems aren’t active all the time, but triggered when we experience perceived (not necessarily actual) threats to the relationship¹. In a volatile relationship that feels constantly on the rocks, you might step back and see how your attachment patterns are shaping this conflict.

However, it’s difficult to learn to be more securely attached in an environment that triggers attachment insecurity. It’s possible to work towards attachment security on your own – and if this is your goal, you might be interested in our Attachment Repair Program, developed by expert psychologists – but a healthy relationship dynamic teaches us first-hand what a secure romantic attachment can look like.

Speaking to The Attachment Project, Attachment Specialist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker Paula Sacks, who co-authored Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair, says:

“In my clinical experience, people with dismissive-avoidant attachment styles are probably going to be less likely to have a belief system in karma, because they don’t value relationships as highly. They don’t need karma. Someone with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style might believe in karma because it helps them to understand their ‘I’ll do anything for you’ approach to relationships.”

In our exploration of twin flames, we saw how whether or not you believe in destiny when it comes to relationships can interact with your attachment style. When difficulties arise in your relationship, people who believe their relationship is “meant to be” might use more avoidant strategies to deal with them².

This makes sense – believing your relationship is predestined might mean you almost take it for granted. Why go through the hard parts of making things work if it’s going to work itself out anyway? Alternatively, when issues do come up in a relationship you believe to be fated, threats to the relationship might challenge your entire belief system. Challenges to our beliefs can be incredibly psychologically stressful, and we prefer to ignore evidence against them³.

The Cognitive Dissonance of Conflict in Karmic Relationships

Cognitive dissonance is when we hold two conflicting beliefs or “cognitions”⁴. This is an uncomfortable psychological state, so we pick and choose the information we believe, in order to close the gap between these conflicting cognitions.

In karmic relationships, or any relationship in which we feel we’re “meant to be”, the idea that we’re destined to be together can be in conflict with the idea that our relationship might end before we’re ready. For example, let’s say you believe that you’re in a karmic relationship with your partner, but you have such difficulty communicating with each other that you’re starting to think you shouldn’t really be together, even though you don’t feel ready to end it.

There are a handful of ways you might try to close the gap between these cognitions. You might change your beliefs about the predestined nature of your relationship, bringing your beliefs more in line with the idea that you shouldn’t be together. Or, you might work on your communication together, aligning your beliefs with the idea that you’re destined to be in each other’s lives to continue learning these lessons.

You might also introduce new beliefs that tip the scales one way or the other – maybe you decide that communication isn’t that important anyway, or other people just don’t understand the unique ways that you communicate or the deep bond that you have. Maybe you decide that, actually, perhaps this is the lesson the karmic relationship intended. In any case, the things we choose to pay attention to and beliefs we hold onto can be influenced by this idea that the connection is karmic.

Paula Sacks, LICSW continues:

“Karmic destiny is different to karmic justifying – how are you thinking of karma, how are you using it? If you’re in a relationship that you believe is karmic, are you using that to justify staying in it? Past life experiences and cosmic relationships are great stories, but karma doesn’t seem to come around when things are really great.”

5 Signs You Are In a Karmic Relationship

If your relationship fits the description of a karmic relationship, you might notice these 5 signs:

1. You feel a sense of destiny or fate around your relationship.
2. Your relationship is high in conflict or unpredictability.
3. You might feel your relationship triggers old wounds.
4. You are more willing to look past challenges because your relationship is destined.
5. You see your challenges as lessons.

Remember, we can’t prove either way whether karmic relationships do or don’t exist – it’s up to you to decide whether you believe in spiritual relationships, and whether this framework is helpful or unhelpful for you.

How Karmic Relationships Typically Unfold

People who feel they’re in karmic relationships say that they get very close, very fast. It might happen so quickly that you wonder if it’s lovebombing – but this is part of the reason they believe their relationship existed in a past life.

Paula Sacks, LICSW continues:

“The intensity and familiarity is already a part of the belief system – ‘I saw them across the room and I just knew’ is already part of the belief in destiny. But getting to know somebody very quickly involves a lot of projection. You fall for who you want them to be, not who they are.”

As it progresses, the relationship might come with high highs and low lows. People describe feeling anxious, confused, and low in self-esteem for the duration of the relationship, but the relationship stays fueled by intense passion or physical attraction.

These challenges tend to be considered part of the lessons learned, but it can still be difficult to let go of these relationships because the bond can feel so strong. However, if the relationship is causing harm, it’s important to step back and consider whether it’s worth continuing.

The Risks of Karmic Relationships

Karmic relationships can be high risk for abuse; their intense and volatile nature is also seen in toxic and abusive relationships, and continuing to believe your relationship is karmic after a period of intense bonding can make it difficult to leave. According to Paula Sacks, LICSW, sometimes our destiny beliefs can draw us into people who show narcissistic traits:

“Someone high in avoidance projects high self-esteem, and on the extreme end, they can show traits of narcissism. If you believe in destiny and you’re dating someone like this, you might think: ‘my partner is so special, why wouldn’t it be a divine relationship?’ If two people on extreme ends of the attachment scale meet, one high in anxiety and one high in avoidance, they are drawn to each other because each has something the other doesn’t. The relationship then just becomes attachment patterns playing out all the time, and a karma belief system can play a big role because it gives us an explanation when we feel helpless. Two securely attached people don’t need it to be divine. They just enjoy the relationship.”

These dynamics can be emotionally exhausting and damaging to your self-esteem, negatively impacting life even outside of the relationship. If you feel that your relationship is having a negative impact on your life, or your partner’s, it might be time to consider changing it.

When It’s Time to Cut Karmic Ties

The nature of karmic relationships is that they teach us lessons, so many people believe that they are only meant to be short-term. Some people choose to stay friends with their karmic connections, but this can be difficult if your dynamic is very up-and-down.

Ending a karmic relationship can be very difficult, as is the case for ending any relationship. It can be helpful to consider the lessons you’ve learned and what you will take forward with you into your next relationship.

Some people believe that after your karmic relationship is when you’re ready to meet your twin flame – just remember that this destiny belief also comes with risks and, like karmic relationships, is associated with emotional volatility.

Can Karmic Relationships Last?

While some people say they have made karmic relationships last a long time, others believe that they’re always intended to end once the lessons are learned.

Volatile relationships can become toxic cycles, which may be characterized by the anxious-avoidant push and pull: attachment avoidance in one partner can trigger attachment anxiety in the other, leading them to make more intense attempts to bring their avoidant partner closer, triggering further avoidance, and so on and so forth.

The difficulty is that the relief we feel when the conflict is over feels good. We end up staying in the relationship for the good parts, even though the lows can be very low: “when it’s good, it’s really good, but when it’s bad, it’s really bad.” These kinds of relationships can last a long time, even though they’re not healthy.

For a karmic relationship to last healthily, both partners need to put in the work to understand themselves and the relationship, including the influence of their attachment styles.

How to Navigate or End a Karmic Relationship

If you believe you’re in a karmic relationship, it’s important to take some time to reflect. What do you think the lessons are you have to learn? Do you feel that the relationship as it is, is healthy, and that your life is better for it?

On navigating a karmic relationship, Paula Sacks, LICSW says:

“There’s no substitute for listening and seeing with your eyes a person’s behavior, because a person’s behavior speaks the truth. Not necessarily a person’s words but the behavior never lies. So in order to have a really good healthy relationship, karma is lovely as a tool but there’s no substitute for really seeing a person’s behavior with your eyes.”

The challenges involved in these relationships are why people feel their purpose is for us to learn lessons. It’s up to you to decide how you’d like to deal with these challenges, but if you find yourself repeating the same patterns with no resolution, or if your partner tends to cross boundaries, it might be time to consider your lessons learned.

Working on emotion regulation and attachment security can help you to navigate relationships, particularly when there are frequent challenges. We have lots of resources available, and if you don’t know your attachment style yet, you can take our quiz and get your results for free.

Karmic Relationships: In Summary

Karmic relationships are often tumultuous, yet you can feel very quickly and deeply bonded to someone you feel a karmic connection with. This can keep you stuck in a cycle of conflict and resolution, and a relationship that ultimately starts to feel unhealthy.

If you’re noticing unhealthy patterns in your relationship and a general sense that something isn’t right, it might be time to think about whether the relationship is meant to continue. Even if a relationship was meant to be, karmic relationships aren’t always meant to last.

These kinds of relationships can also trigger attachment insecurity, and it can be very difficult to build a secure attachment style while experiencing high conflict in an important relationship.

FAQs

Can karmic relationships turn into soulmates?

Some people believe that karmic relationships and soulmates often cross over – a soulmate is someone you feel deep spiritual ties to, and this tends to apply to karmic relationships too.

How do you know when a karmic relationship is ending?

When a relationship feels like it’s more negative than positive in your life, or you feel your boundaries are being crossed, it might be time to end it.

Can karmic ties be broken?

Ending the relationship, reflecting, and healing are thought to help break karmic ties.

Is a karmic connection the same as chemistry?

Chemistry is when we get along with someone naturally and with ease. Karmic connections often feature a sense of strong chemistry, but chemistry isn’t necessarily a karmic connection. Most people feel they’ve experienced chemistry with others, and the theories underlying chemistry can be studied by psychologists, but karmic relationships are more open to spiritual beliefs.

References

1. Mikulincer M, Shaver PR. The attachment behavioral system in adulthood: Activation, psychodynamics, and interpersonal processes. Advances in experimental social psychology. 2003 Dec;35:56-152.
2. Knee CR. Implicit theories of relationships: Assessment and prediction of romantic relationship initiation, coping, and longevity. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 1998 Feb;74(2):360.
3. Kaplan JT, Gimbel SI, Harris S. Neural correlates of maintaining one’s political beliefs in the face of counterevidence. Scientific reports. 2016 Dec 23;6(1):39589.
4. Festinger L. A theory of cognitive dissonance Row. Peterson and company. 1957.