Placeholder Relationships: Signs, Psychology, and What to Do

You could’ve been together for weeks, months, or even years, but something just feels off. You feel like your partner’s happy to date you, or even live with you, but they never seem to commit. It’s almost as if they’re waiting for someone better to come along – as if you might be a placeholder.

The fear of being single can keep lots of us in placeholder relationships, and psychological research explains the mechanisms behind this and how it might relate to our attachment styles.

In this article, we’ll deep dive into the psychology of placeholder relationships, signs you’re a placeholder in a relationship, and what to do if you think you might be the placeholder, or the one placeholding.

What Is a Placeholder Relationship?

A placeholder relationship is a relationship in which one or both partners are waiting for something better to come along. The placeholder partner might be good enough for now, but not taken seriously as someone to build a future with.

It can be difficult to tell whether you’re in a placeholder relationship, as it can sometimes look similar to a slow burn (taking things slowly on purpose, but still genuinely committed), casual dating (dating without looking for commitment, which is okay as long as it’s communicated), and situationships (acting like you’re in a relationship but not defining it).

A similar concept in psychological research is the idea of “asymmetrically committed relationships”, where one partner is substantially more committed than the other [1]. Researchers have explored what makes us more likely to be either partner in an asymmetrically committed relationship.

The Psychology Behind Placeholder Dynamics

According to psychologists, being the less committed partner in an asymmetrically committed relationship is associated with having a higher perceived number of potential alternative partners, having more previous partners, having a history of cheating in the current relationship, and having parents who never married [1].

This study found fewer associations for being the more committed partner, although attachment associations were noted for both – we’ll get into these later on.

Why People Stay in Placeholder Relationships

There are lots of psychological reasons why we might stay in relationships we don’t feel completely sure about, like sunk cost fallacy – the more money, effort, and time we might have spent in a relationship, the longer we’re willing to keep investing in it [2] – or simply an emotional attachment. These effects are still real, even when we’re not fully committed.

Why People Use Partners as Placeholders

A 2013 study found that the fear of being single predicted whether people would settle for less in relationships, even though participants didn’t report as such [3]. Fear of being single was unrelated to self-reported dating standard, but people scoring higher on fear of being single were more romantically interested in less responsive and less attractive potential partners, and less selectivity during a speed-dating event.

In other words, experiencing placeholder partners could be related to a fear of being single, even if it’s not something you’re aware of. You might not even realize that your partner is a placeholder – you’re happy enough, and you care about them, but are you waiting to be happier? If you’re not committing to your partner, they might be picking up on it – and it might be time to be honest about what you want.

Why Placeholders Stay with Their Partners

If you’ve had a feeling you’re a placeholder for a long time, it’s understandable that you have stayed in your relationship despite a feeling that something’s off. The attachment and emotional foundations you have built with your partner are real, even if they don’t seem as committed to your relationship as you are.

Greater commitment is associated with greater relationship certainty from day to day, even on days where the relationship feels more negative [4]. If you’re the more certain partner, you might feel a greater sense of commitment even when you’re not getting what you need from the relationship.

5 Signs You Might Be the Placeholder

It can be difficult to tell if you’re a placeholder in your relationship, but here are a couple of potential signs:

• Your partner doesn’t involve you in their plans for the future.
• Your partner’s commitment seems to change from day to day – research says this is a sign they already have “one foot out the door”. [4]
• Your partner has a history of low commitment in your relationship, e.g. they have cheated before.
• Your partner avoids conversations about the future of your relationship.
• You have a gut feeling that your partner isn’t as invested as you are.

This shouldn’t be taken as a checklist, but as a general pattern that might help you to start a conversation about your relationship. Whatever the explanation is for this kind of behavior, it might be worth considering where your boundaries are and what you need from your relationship.

Placeholder Relationships and Attachment Styles

As with any relationship dynamic, you and your partner’s attachment styles can play into placeholding in relationships.

Anxious Attachment

Higher attachment anxiety is associated with a greater likelihood of being the more committed partner in an asymmetrically committed relationship [1]. The traits associated with attachment anxiety – fear of abandonment, strong desire for intimacy, and positive beliefs about others – might make you less likely to leave, even when you sense something’s off.

At the same time, you might be more likely to experience the fear of being single, providing a potential pathway for you to also be the placeholding partner [3]. However, the fear of being single is related to settling in relationships regardless of attachment style.

Avoidant Attachment

Higher attachment avoidance is associated with a greater likelihood of being the less committed partner in an asymmetrically committed relationship [1]. You might be more likely to consider partners as placeholders because the emotional distance this creates makes you feel more comfortable with intimacy.

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment

If you have the fearful-avoidant attachment style, you experience both high attachment anxiety and high attachment avoidance. You have a negative view of yourself and of others, so experiences like being a relationship placeholder can be particularly painful. Relationship dynamics might feel confusing, so it might be difficult to realize if you’re on either side of a placeholder relationship.

Secure Attachment

If you have a secure attachment style, you might be the least likely to find yourself in a placeholder relationship, at least in the long-term. You have stronger self-esteem and a clearer idea of your boundaries and what you want from a relationship, so you’re less likely to tolerate being a placeholder or fall into placeholding someone else.

How to Address a Placeholder Relationship

If you think you might be in a placeholder relationship, it’s time to communicate.

Having the Conversation

Focus on the behavior you’ve noticed and how it makes you feel, rather than labelling or accusing your partner. There could be alternative reasons for the patterns you’ve noticed, and your partner might be open to listening and keen to repair your relationship. Try to approach the conversation with an open mind, but go into it knowing what your boundaries are. Boundaries set expectations, not rules – clarify what will happen when your partner crosses a line, but remember that you can’t control whether they choose to respect that boundary.

If your partner is reluctant or unwilling to talk about your feelings and concerns, or they go on to cross your boundaries, this might be a sign that it’s time to move on.

If It’s Time to Leave

The decision to end a relationship is rarely an easy one, especially when you’ve already invested time and effort. If you decide it’s time to walk away, it’s very important to establish boundaries around the breakup; for example, lots of people choose to go no contact. Remember, even if you were a placeholder for your partner, it doesn’t mean that their feelings weren’t real – communicate with them with honesty and respect, and don’t be tempted to ghost.

Breakups can be a difficult time, even if you were the one who ended it. Invest more time and energy in other relationships, like friends and family, and even the relationship you have with yourself. Difficult as they are, breakups can also be a period of significant personal growth when you redirect your energy back into yourself.

Conclusion

Placeholder relationships are when one or both partners avoid long-term commitment, perhaps waiting for something “better” to come along. We might stay in placeholder relationships, either as the placeholder or the placeholding partner, due to fear of being single, sunk cost fallacy, or attachment insecurity.

Understanding your attachment style can help you to understand your relationship patterns, your dynamic with your partner, and what you need from your relationship. To get a personalized attachment style report, take our free attachment quiz.

Remember to approach conversations with your partner with an open mind, focused on the actions you’ve noticed and how they make you feel, rather than labels or accusations. If you decide it’s time to walk away, have an open and honest conversation and remember to focus back on yourself.

FAQs About Placeholder Relationships

Is a placeholder relationship the same as a rebound?

A placeholder relationship is a relationship where one or both partners might be happy enough, but they’re waiting for something “better” to come along. This might not necessarily happen in the wake of a breakup, unlike a rebound, which is when someone enters a new relationship to help them get over the end of another one.

How to get out of a placeholder relationship?

If you think you’re in a placeholder relationship, have an open conversation with your partner about how you feel and what you need – they might not be placeholding, and might be keen to repair the relationship. If they don’t show an interest in repairing the relationship, it might be time to walk away.

Is it my fault I’m a placeholder?

It’s not your fault if you’re a placeholder – there are lots of reasons we stay in relationships that don’t feel right, and the emotional and attachment foundations you built with your partner were real. Your partner may not have entered your relationship intentionally looking for a placeholder, but we can find ourselves in these dynamics before we know it.

How is a placeholder relationship different from a situationship?

A situationship is a romantic relationship with no defined commitment. A placeholder relationship might be committed, even long-term, but partners might avoid making irreversible commitments because they’re waiting for something else to come along.

References

1. Stanley SM, Rhoades GK, Kelmer G, Scott SB, Markman HJ, Fincham FD. Unequally into “us”: Characteristics of individuals in asymmetrically committed relationships. Family Process. 2019 Mar;58(1):214-31.
2. Rego S, Arantes J, Magalhães P. Is there a sunk cost effect in committed relationships?. Current Psychology. 2018 Sep;37(3):508-19.
3. Spielmann SS, MacDonald G, Maxwell JA, Joel S, Peragine D, Muise A, Impett EA. Settling for less out of fear of being single. Journal of personality and social psychology. 2013 Dec;105(6):1049.
4. Joel S, Stanton SC, Page‐Gould E, MacDonald G. One foot out the door: Stay/leave ambivalence predicts day‐to‐day fluctuations in commitment and intentions to end the relationship. European Journal of Social Psychology. 2021 Mar;51(2):294-312.