Scorekeeping in Relationships: Signs and How to Stop

Your partner surprises you with dinner after you’ve had a tough day, and you want to feel grateful, but there’s an uncomfortable feeling in your gut – how will you pay this back to them? Maybe in return you take them out for breakfast on the weekend, and you get them a little present on top; now you feel better, because they owe you.

It might feel like a good way to make sure the relationship is fair and equal, but this kind of scorekeeping could actually be hurting more than it’s helping your relationship.

Lots of people relate to this experience of keeping score in relationships, and most are well-intentioned, but relationships can’t be 50/50 all the time. By the end of this article, you’ll understand the real psychological impact of keeping score in a relationship, how scorekeeping is impacted by your attachment style, and how to stop keeping score and achieve a healthy balance of give and take with your partner.

What Is Scorekeeping in a Relationship?

You don’t have to be literally tracking time and effort to be keeping score – you might just have a mental habit of keeping track of contributions, or a feeling that one person is always in debt in a relationship. This is still scorekeeping.

It’s normal to want a relationship to be equal and balanced, but a habit of scorekeeping can create a sense of obligation and constant awareness of inequality. It’s not that you shouldn’t bring it up if your relationship feels one-sided, but that consistently tracking who’s gaining the most from a relationship is a lose-lose for everyone.

Scorekeeping Example

Lucas and Bella have been together for 2 years, and recently moved in together. Lucas was recently very sick, and Bella spent a week taking on responsibilities around the house. It’s important to both Bella and Lucas that their relationship is roughly 50/50, and they take turns to plan and pay for dates. However, Bella has noticed that she’s been picking up groceries a lot more than Lucas has and feels she has spent more money and energy on their dates. A feeling of resentment was already growing, so when Lucas started to feel better, Bella expected him to make a great effort to thank her and take on all household responsibilities the next week.

Lucas, however, didn’t realize that Bella was keeping track of effort in the relationship. He felt it was reasonable to expect Bella to take on responsibility while he was sick, knowing that he would do the same for her. He also thought that Bella would bring it up if something felt unfair. Therefore, he told her “thank you” but did not go to any extra effort to rebalance the relationship.

Because Bella has been mentally keeping track of who owes what in terms of effort, time, and money, Lucas’ lack of acknowledgement makes her feel frustrated and devalued.

Why Relationships Aren’t Meant to Be 50/50

Although many would agree with Bella’s perspective – that a relationship should be equal and Lucas should pick up some slack – psychologists find that this doesn’t lead to the best relationship outcomes.

Psychologists call these different approaches communal norms vs exchange norms¹. Communal norms, or communal relationships, involve the expectation that giving is offered in response to a need – Lucas’ belief that Bella gives more in the relationship while he’s sick because he needs her to. Exchange norms, or exchange relationships, involve the expectation that giving is offered in reciprocation to giving – Bella’s belief that Lucas should offer to match her effort 1:1.

Exchange norms are usually accepted in business and acquaintance relationships, but they can be damaging to relationships built on intimacy. Equity theory is the simple idea that when we perceive our relationships to be unbalanced, we feel distressed, and the more imbalance we perceive, the more distressed we feel².

In Lucas and Bella’s example, the distress doesn’t come from imbalance itself, but from Bella’s perception of it. Lucas might feel that the relationship is balanced in other ways, or even that it can be unbalanced in Bella’s favor at times, but he doesn’t feel distressed because he views their relationship as a communal one.

The Psychological Effects of Scorekeeping

Interestingly, perceiving inequality in a relationship produces distress no matter which side of the inequality you think you’re on. People who feel that the unbalance favors the other person typically feel hurt, jealous, and resentful, while people who feel that the unbalance favors themselves feel guilty². Both groups report feeling angry and hateful.

Cognitive biases can explain why our perceptions of inequity can grow even when relationships are balanced. Our brains are wired to look for information that confirms what we already believe: confirmation bias leads us to focus on the evidence that supports our perception of inequity, and ignore evidence to the contrary. If we already believe our relationship is unbalanced, we tend to focus on information that confirms it.

Scorekeeping and Attachment

In a study following couples from a few weeks before their wedding to 2 years into marriage, attachment patterns were found in their approach to communal and exchange norms³.

Communal norms were typically perceived as ideal, and following them was related to higher marital satisfaction. Although attachment avoidance was unrelated to norms just before marriage, over time, participants who were high in attachment avoidance increased their use of exchange norms as communal norms decreased, while participants who were low in attachment avoidance typically decreased in their support of either norm.

Conversely, participants who were high in attachment anxiety were more likely to use exchange norms just before getting married, but there were no differences between people high and low in attachment anxiety and their exchange vs communal norms 2 years into marriage. People high in attachment anxiety also experienced closer associations between communal norms and satisfaction than people low in attachment anxiety.

The authors suggest that this shows an interesting process for attachment insecurity and inequity in relationships: just before getting married, people high in attachment avoidance might focus more on communal norms to decrease their discomfort with the commitment they’re about to make – as a result, they experience their relationship the most positively just before marriage. Over time, exchange norms can develop as a function of avoidance.

On the other hand, people high in attachment anxiety might be particularly concerned about equity in their relationships just before making the commitment. As a result, they lean on exchange norms to self-protect and manage their doubt about the relationship in an attempt to confirm that the relationship is equal.

Why Scorekeeping Is So Hard to Stop

It’s clear that scorekeeping serves a function in relationships, especially for people with insecure attachment styles – if we have fears or a need to self-preserve in relationships, scorekeeping can be a way to settle our anxiety and feel in control over the dynamic.

However, exchange norms can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If keeping score reduces relationship satisfaction for both partners⁴, attachment insecurity can be further triggered, producing an even greater need to keep score and a vicious spiral.

The process of scorekeeping itself can also be self-fulfilling, since perceptions of inequity can lead us to focus specifically on confirmatory evidence.

We often try to resolve inequity by trying to be more fair, but this only reinforces exchange norms. Instead, we move toward communal norms by changing our perspective.

5 Signs You’re Scorekeeping in a Relationship

Keeping score isn’t always an entirely conscious process. If you notice the following signs, you might be scorekeeping in your relationship without even knowing it:

1. You know in the back of your mind whose turn it is to do certain chores and pay relationship-related costs.
2. You feel a sense of frustration when you perceive you’re contributing more than your partner.
3. You feel guilty when you perceive your partner is contributing more than you are.
4. You sometimes do things for your partner so that they’ll owe you later.
5. You sometimes withhold things in the relationship because you perceive your partner hasn’t contributed enough.

How to Stop Keeping Score in a Relationship

If you feel like you might be keeping score, trying to restore balance won’t resolve the underlying problem. Shifting your perspective from a tit-for-tat approach to a needs-based approach can help you to see your relationship from a healthier point of view.

Of course, sometimes relationships are unfairly balanced – we’re not suggesting you simply accept consistent inequity in a relationship. If you’ve reflected on your perspective and use of exchange vs communal norms and you still feel that your partner isn’t contributing, try to have an open and honest conversation with them. Be open to explanations; maybe they’re stressed and their attention has been elsewhere, or they genuinely hadn’t realized how much effort you’ve been putting in.

During this conversation, instead of thinking of this as an unbalanced relationship, focus on your specific unmet need. Do you need them to be more attentive, more proactive, or maybe more enthusiastic? Think about what it is you need from your relationship without factoring in what you’re putting into it – communal norms emphasize meeting your needs because your needs matter, without a sense that you have to earn something.

Conclusion

Scorekeeping arises out of fear and unmet needs in a relationship, but it can quickly become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Confirmation bias leads us to ignore the evidence that our relationship is actually balanced, and exchange relationships typically lead to decreased relationship satisfaction, potentially triggering attachment insecurity and leading to even more scorekeeping.

Instead of understanding meeting your needs as something you have to earn, and the same for your partner, think about you and your partner meeting each other’s needs just because your needs matter. The feeling that your needs aren’t being met in a relationship is valid, but thinking of it as a tit-for-tat dynamic can be a detriment to your relationship.

If you have attachment insecurity, this might affect your tendency to scorekeep at different times in your relationship. To find out your attachment style, take our free attachment quiz.

FAQs About Scorekeeping in Relationships

What is scorekeeping in a relationship?

Scorekeeping, or keeping score in a relationship, is when you literally or mentally keep track of the balance of contributions in your relationship. This is also known as exchange norms, where offers are given based on reciprocation instead of individual need.

Is it healthy to keep scores in a relationship?

Keeping score in a relationship is associated with decreased relationship satisfaction. Although it can be appropriate in business and acquaintance relationships, it’s not a healthy way to build intimacy.

How does scorekeeping lead to resentment?

Scorekeeping negatively affects both partners, whether you perceive yourself to be the one who benefits more or less. When we start scorekeeping, confirmation bias typically leads us to focus even more on the negatives.

Is scorekeeping a sign of insecurity?

Scorekeeping has been associated with attachment insecurity. For people high in attachment anxiety, scorekeeping can creep in just before a big milestone or commitment as a way to self-protect. For people high in attachment avoidance, scorekeeping can actually reduce before a big commitment as focusing on the positives can help them to feel better about the commitment, but they may keep score as a function of avoidance as they settle into the relationship.

References

1. Clark MS, Mills J. Interpersonal attraction in exchange and communal relationships. Journal of personality and social psychology. 1979 Jan;37(1):12.
2. Sprecher S. The relation between inequity and emotions in close relationships. Social Psychology Quarterly. 1986 Dec 1:309-21.
3. Clark MS, Lemay Jr EP, Graham SM, Pataki SP, Finkel EJ. Ways of giving benefits in marriage: Norm use, relationship satisfaction, and attachment-related variability. Psychological Science. 2010 Jul;21(7):944-51.
4. Sprecher S. Inequity leads to distress and a reduction in satisfaction: Evidence from a priming experiment. Journal of Family Issues. 2018 Jan;39(1):230-44.