How to Support Someone With Abandonment Issues

Ever feel like a loved one doesn’t trust you, no matter how hard you try? Perhaps they want to know where you are all the time or check in on you constantly. Chances are, they could be struggling with abandonment issues.

Abandonment issues, or fear of abandonment, is the overwhelming concern that people will leave at any time. It can stem from early insecure relationships between a child and primary caregiver, or develop later in life through traumas to an attachment bond (also known as “attachment injuries”).

Regardless of how abandonment issues manifest, they can take their toll on a relationship. If you know someone with abandonment issues, you may be left wondering, “How can I help?”

To answer all of your questions on how to support someone with abandonment issues, this article will cover:

What fear of abandonment is
Why abandonment issues appear in relationships
The signs of abandonment issues in relationships
How to help someone with abandonment issues

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What Is a Fear of Abandonment?

Fear of abandonment is the overwhelming anxiety that the people closest to you will leave you, either physically, emotionally, or both.

We can better understand the fear of abandonment by considering it through the lens of attachment theory: Attachment theory emphasizes the importance of bonds between people, with particular emphasis on the caregiver-child relationship. This early relationship can have a powerful impact on our lives, both in childhood and as adults. For example, research suggests that our worldviews are shaped by our caregivers’ responses to our attachment-seeking behaviors–such as crying, smiling, and eye contact–when we were children.

When our caregiver is attuned to our needs, available to respond to them, and responds in a nurturing way, we develop a sense of trust and safety in ourselves, others, and the world. However, if our caregiver responds inconsistently, rejectingly, or abusively to attachment-seeking behaviors, we’re likely to believe that the world is an unsafe place; that we can’t trust others, and that something is wrong with us.

Because of the uncertainty, unpredictability, and lack of safety a child can feel when they are insecurely attached with their primary caregiver, the child may start to believe that abandonment is a regular facet of life. In essence, they develop a fear of abandonment, which can affect their later relationships.

Abandonment Issues in Relationships

Abandonment issues in relationships can be a real challenge, both for the person with a fear of abandonment and the partner on the receiving end.

When we consider the beliefs someone with abandonment issues may hold, this makes sense. For example, does your partner believe people are generally untrustworthy and unreliable, and hold the self-belief that they’re not good enough? These beliefs can make them convinced that you’re going to leave because a) they think that everyone eventually does, and b) they think they’re not worth sticking around for, even when there’s no evidence to support this.

So, how can abandonment issues manifest in relationships? And what are the signs? Let’s consider this next.

Abandonment Issues From Childhood Insecure Attachment

As discussed, someone may develop abandonment issues if they had an insecure relationship with their primary caregiver as a child. Therefore, one of the key ways abandonment issues arise in relationships is due to early experiences of others being unpredictable and inconsistent.

Children may develop an insecure attachment to their primary caregiver for various reasons. However, most insecure attachments typically stem from the main carer being unavailable, either emotionally, physically, or both. From this, three forms of insecure attachment arise:

People with specific attachment styles will typically show different patterns of behaviors in relationships. They also often show similar groups of behaviors relating to abandonment issues. For example, a child who develops an anxious attachment may cope with their abandonment issues by attempting to form an intensely close bond. They may need constant reassurance of this bond, either through communication, physical touch, or verbal reassurance. Therefore, if your partner has abandonment issues resulting from an anxious attachment style, it can be difficult to meet their intense need for reassurance, sometimes causing frustration and conflict.

Someone with an avoidant attachment style may manage their abandonment issues by withdrawing from you. When something triggers their fear of abandonment, they may be quick to pull away, becoming distant and private. This kind of behavior can be unnerving and confusing if you’re on the receiving end.

The disorganized attachment style combines both the anxious and avoidant behavior patterns, so someone with this style may find intimacy comfortable sometimes, but not on other occasions. Therefore, if your partner has abandonment issues and a disorganized attachment style, you may not know what to expect at times. It may also feel like you’re walking on eggshells, so as not to trigger their insecurities.

Abandonment Issues From Attachment Injuries in Adulthood

The second way abandonment issues can manifest in adult relationships is through “attachment injuries.” Attachment injuries are when one partner is unresponsive or inaccessible in moments when their partner truly needs them.

Examples of moments that could cause an attachment injury are:

Life transitions: Such as immigration or retirement.
Physical danger: For example, an illness such as a cancer diagnosis.
Loss: This could involve the death or miscarriage of a child or a relative passing away.
Significant life moments: For example, the birth of a child.
Betrayal: Such as infidelity.

It’s important to note that these are just examples of moments that could cause an attachment injury. Everyone experiences different situations and their responses to them will differ.

Furthermore, moments of inaccessibility may become an attachment injury because they are repetitive or in conjunction with other events. For example, imagine you are a spouse who recently immigrated to another country, leaving behind everything and everyone you knew. Now, imagine that shortly after this, you were excluded from your spouse’s family photo. This combination of events could cause an attachment injury, rather than one of the events in isolation.

Similarly, while a life transition like retirement may not cause an attachment injury by itself, if the person retiring experiences a mental health difficulties as a result of retiring, and their partner isn’t supportive or empathic, this may cause an attachment injury.

But what makes these instances so traumatic? Well, when we enter into a healthy relationship, we assume that our partner will be there for us when we need them. However, if this expectation isn’t met in a time of vulnerability, the foundations of our core beliefs are shook–making us feel unimportant and unloved. Such experiences can make us question whether people will stick around or leave us, leading to abandonment issues.

Experiences like this aren’t dissimilar from childhood abandonment issues caused by insecure attachment between a child and their primary caregiver. If the caregiver doesn’t tend to the child’s needs in moments of distress, relational trauma occurs. And as a result, the child develops views about themself, others, and the world, including whether people are trustworthy and likely to stay beside them or leave.

So, now we know how abandonment issues can manifest in relationships. But what are the signs to look out for?

Signs of Abandonment Issues In Relationships

The signs of abandonment issues in relationships tend to differ depending on the person’s attachment style. However, some common signs of abandonment issues in relationships are:

Contradictory behaviors around closeness and intimacy. For example, if you’re dating someone with abandonment issues, you may have noticed them pushing you away one moment, then clinging to you like they’re afraid you’re going to leave the next.

Questioning your intentions. For example saying things like, “Do you love me, really?” and “Promise you won’t leave me?”

Showing people-pleasing tendencies, giving you too much at the expense of their own well-being.

Jealousy when you spend time with other people or do other things. Someone with abandonment issues may view this as you choosing someone or something else over them.

Needing control to prevent you from leaving. Someone with abandonment issues may do this without being aware they’re doing it.

Accepting poor treatment or not expecting to be treated well in relationships, as this may be what they’re used to from their early relationships.

Feeling anxious and worried in relationships and never knowing what to expect.

Difficulties showing vulnerability and being emotionally open with you for fear of rejection or that you will leave.

How to Help Someone With Abandonment Issues

Trying to establish a healthy relationship with someone with abandonment issues can be challenging, as they may behave in ways you don’t like or consider healthy. For example, they may attempt to control you due to a fear of you leaving at any moment.

Knowing how to help someone with abandonment issues is vital for you to be able to support them: You can help them rewrite their inaccurate internal beliefs so that together you both can build a more trusting, healthy relationship.

But how can you do this? There are three key ways to help someone with abandonment issues.

#1 Practice Open Communication

Open communication is vital in all relationships, but especially if one person fears being abandoned. When you both know you can be open and honest, this reduces misunderstandings and conflict, which can lessen abandonment-related anxieties.

Furthermore, practicing open communication create a feeling of safety which allows trust to form, enabling the person with abandonment issues to explain their fears without worrying about being judged.

You can practice open communication by:

Making your message clear, so there’s no chance of misunderstandings.
Using “I” statements, such as “I want,” “I feel,” and “I need.”
Apologizing for any mistakes you have made.
Actively listening when it’s your partner’s turn to talk. This means no interruptions, and validating their feelings when they’re finished speaking.
Noticing the tone of your voice. When you begin raising your voice, your partner will likely switch into defensive mode, which will activate their early attachment patterns. Keeping a cool, calm tone can facilitate more open communication.

But what if you can’t cope with your partner’s abandonment issues anymore? If you’re thinking of breaking up with someone with abandonment issues because you’re struggling to support them, open communication is still a must. Remember to be kind and compassionate in the way you deliver the message. For example, ghosting someone with abandonment issues will likely worsen their insecurities by reinforcing the idea that other people leave them without warning. So, be clear, kind, and considerate.

#2 Understand Their Attachment Style

Understanding the individual with abandonment issues can help you recognize their behaviors as a product of their past, not as anything malicious.

It can also help you recognize when they need space and when they need reassurance. For example, an anxiously attached partner may want to speak to you or see you more often, or frequently ask questions such as, “Are you okay?”, “What are you thinking?” and “Do you love me?” In contrast, an avoidantly attached partner may pull away or try to start an argument for seemingly no reason. If you understand these behavior patterns, you can see that your partner may be feeling rejected, or perhaps something has triggered their fear of abandonment. When you know this, you can support them either by providing reassurance or showing that you care and aren’t going anywhere. This could be through a small gesture like making their favorite food, giving them a cuddle, or telling them how much you appreciate them.

For tips on communicating with a partner with an avoidant attachment style, check out our article on How to Communicate With an Avoidant Partner.

#3 Become a Safe Base

The difference between secure and insecure early relationships is the safe–or secure–base. Primary caregivers provide a secure base by being attuned, empathic, and responsive to their children, yet they still allow them to explore.

People with an insecure relationship with their primary caregiver may never have experienced what it feels like to have a safe base. And if your partner developed abandonment issues due to an attachment injury in a later relationship, they may have forgotten what safety feels like. Therefore, becoming a safe base for your partner is one of the most effective ways to support their abandonment issues.

You can become a safe base for your partner by:

Respecting their boundaries, including their need for space during or after conflict.
Practicing open communication and refraining from judgment when they open up.
Keeping tabs on your non-verbal communication, as those with abandonment issues are often hypervigilant to any small changes in body language. You can do this by asking yourself, “What am I communicating through my body language?”

Final Thoughts on Supporting Someone With Abandonment Issues

Abandonment issues can take their toll, both on the partner experiencing them and the one on the receiving end. A fear of abandonment often happens as a result of insufficient care early in life from the primary caregiver. However, it can also occur later in life, due to attachment injuries in adult relationships.

If you’re struggling to support your partner with abandonment issues, you’re not alone. It can be really tough to know how to help someone with these difficulties. This may be especially the case when you’re feeling frustrated or upset by their abandonment issue-related behaviors.

Fortunately, there are ways to support someone with abandonment issues. By practicing open communication, understanding their attachment style, and becoming a safe base, you can help a loved one with abandonment issues.

Abandonment issues can take their toll, both on the partner experiencing them and the one on the receiving end. A fear of abandonment often happens as a result of insufficient care early in life from the primary caregiver. However, it can also occur later in life, due to attachment injuries in adult relationships.

If you’re struggling to support your partner with abandonment issues, you’re not alone. It can be really tough to know how to help someone with these difficulties. This may be especially the case when you’re feeling frustrated or upset by their abandonment issue-related behaviors.

Fortunately, there are ways to support someone with abandonment issues. By practicing open communication, understanding their attachment style, and becoming a safe base, you can help a loved one with abandonment issues.

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