Attachment Parenting vs Parenting with Attachment Theory

Parenting can be an overwhelming time, especially as a new parent. If you’ve been looking into attachment theory, you’ve likely thought about how your attachment style could affect your child and how to parent with attachment theory in mind. You may have come across Attachment Parenting, only to find mixed reviews and confusing information around its origins.

In this article, we’ll untangle the difference between attachment theory-informed parenting and the Attachment Parenting protocol, including how to raise your child with a secure attachment style and what parenting might look like with different attachment styles at play.

Key takeaways

• Attachment Parenting is a set protocol that some parents find helpful, but it isn’t the only way to use attachment theory in parenting.
• Parenting doesn’t have to be perfect to raise securely attached children, as long as you’re generally consistently responsive and able to resolve mismatches in communication with your baby.
• Parenting journeys are unique – it’s okay to take what’s helpful from Attachment Parenting and leave what isn’t.

What is Attachment Theory in Parenting?

According to attachment theory, the bonds we form with our caregivers in infancy go on to shape our relationships with ourselves and others. If our caregivers are reliably responsive to our emotional needs, we develop secure attachment styles and positive views of ourselves and others. If our parents aren’t consistently emotionally responsive, we develop anxious or avoidant attachment styles.

Our attachment styles can change over time and are shaped by later experiences in adolescence and adulthood, but a secure attachment in infancy – associated with greater confidence and better peer relationships¹ – gives children the best possible start.

Any parenting style that keeps attachment theory in mind and focuses on responding sensitively can be considered attachment theory-informed parenting. Understanding how attachment styles form is key to this, and it’s important to further understand how your own attachment style can influence your attachment with your child. If you don’t yet know your attachment style, take our free quiz.

Successful attachment-based interventions can be as simple as practical or emotional support for caregivers; the stress of new parenthood can make it difficult to respond sensitively to your child, so looking after yourself first can directly support your baby’s attachment.² Some successful interventions address parents’ attachment insecurities on a deeper level, and others aim to change your behavior without necessarily looking at the root cause.

DISCOVER YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE

What is Attachment Parenting?

Attachment Parenting is a parenting protocol, developed by William & Martha Sears, which aims to support a child’s secure attachment using a “child-centered” approach.³ Attachment Parenting is rooted in the ways that “traditional cultures care for babies and mothers”, opposing popular American methods that tend to be more parent-centered.⁴

Attachment Parenting isn’t necessarily right for everybody, and some academics have suggested that it’s often interpreted too strictly – that it’s not necessarily the behaviors that count, but the overall sensitivity with which the parent responds.³

Still, certain behaviors form the cornerstones of the Attachment Parenting protocol. Below, we’ll outline the behaviors recommended by Attachment Parenting and talk through the pros and cons of this approach.

Principles of Attachment Parenting

The principles of Attachment Parenting are referred to as “the Baby Bs”, or “7 Bs” of Attachment Parenting.⁴ These are:

Birth Bonding – Parents are encouraged to bond with their babies immediately after birth through skin contact, gazing, and talking to their newborn.

Breastfeeding – The Attachment Parenting view is that breastfeeding is best to support attachments, although Sears & Sears say that responsiveness during bottle feeding can still boost attachment.

Babywearing – “Wearing” your baby using a sling or sling-type carrier is suggested to improve the baby-parent connection.

Bed sharing – Though controversial, Sears & Sears argue that practical and safe co-sleeping can help parents to respond to their baby during the night. However, bed sharing with babies has been associated with Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, and, if practiced, should be managed with care.⁵

Belief in Baby’s Cries – Babies communicate through crying, and Attachment Parenting says that parents should pay attention to their baby’s different cries and respond as quickly as possible. They argue strongly against the “cry it out” method where babies are left to eventually settle themselves.

Balance and Boundaries – In later versions of Attachment Parenting, Sears & Sears add that parents should be sure to take care of themselves, share caregiving responsibilities, and accept imperfections in parenting to avoid burnout.

Beware of Baby Trainers – “Baby Training” refers to parenting practices that aim to fit the baby into the parents’ lives, which Sears & Sears perceive as insensitive and at-odds with Attachment Parenting.

The overarching principle of Attachment Parenting is the idea that we know, innately, how to form attachment with babies, and it’s advised that we prioritize this over the demands of daily life.

Pros and Cons of Attachment Parenting

Attachment Parenting can be a divisive topic – some parents find that it’s too restrictive, or that they feel guilty or ashamed when they’re not able to meet all of its demands or when children have difficulties. Initial iterations of Attachment Parenting were also criticized for not acknowledging the role that fathers play, and previous work by the same authors on parenting based on religious beliefs has been highlighted as a potentially biased influence on Attachment Parenting.

If following Attachment Parenting makes you feel anxious, guilty, isolated, or distressed in any other way, it may not be the best option for you. That’s okay – every family and every baby is different, and what works for someone else might not work for you.

Although responding sensitively to children’s needs does help them to develop a more secure attachment style, studies have shown that infants and mothers only need to be synchronised about 30% of the time.⁶ Mismatches in communication are a normal part of life, and infants are found to use several coping strategies for successful self-regulation. It is only when mismatches are unresolved or unusual that infants aren’t able to use appropriate coping skills.

Another often pointed out restriction of the Attachment Parenting protocol is that it’s based on a particular demographic – not all families are able to have one parent take time off work to be a full-time caregiver, and many live in multigenerational homes where raising children is a shared responsibility.

Attachment in Parenting and Secure Attachment Style

You don’t need to follow Attachment Parenting to use attachment theory in your own approach to parenting. Attachment theory states that responding to your baby with fair consistency and predictability is enough to support them to develop a secure attachment style.

According to Professor Vrticka, a social neuroscientist at the University of Essex, researchers are considering that one secure attachment could help a child to buffer against the effects of insecure attachment. Surrounding a child with lots of close relationships could give them greater opportunities to form a secure attachment with at least one person – these could be relatives like grandparents, aunts and uncles, and close family friends.

In one study, consistent parenting techniques, parent’s involvement in play, and non-physical punishment were found to contribute to children’s attachment security – the more predictable parents were, the more they played with their child, and the less they spanked them, the greater their child’s attachment security.⁷ Greater family support positively influenced parent’s involvement in play and non-physical punishment, while parent’s attachment security with their romantic partner influenced both parenting and co-parenting consistency.

Practical Applications of Attachment Style in Parenting

The results of this study should be encouraging for parents with insecure attachment styles – working towards a secure attachment style can be a long and, for some, complex journey, but there are changes you could make to your parenting routine that could support your child to develop a secure attachment style.

For example, making a more pronounced effort to spend quality time with your child, avoiding physical punishment methods, and ensuring you and any co-parents are on the same page about parenting techniques can all support your child’s attachment security. Support from the people around you can help to make these changes happen – try to ask for help before you need it, rather than letting yourself burn out.

Attachment Style Parenting: Real-Life Examples

Caveats/Authors Note:

If you’re experiencing mental health challenges related to your postpartum period, seeking support from a trained perinatal mental health counsellor can be a vital step toward healing. Attachment-based counselling focuses on strengthening the bond between you and your baby, fostering emotional connection, and supporting your mental wellbeing.

Trigger Warning: The case studies below explore different individual’s experiences with attachment based parenting during the postpartum period. There is discussion of adverse birth experiences, birth trauma and mental health challenges during postpartum.

Note on Confidentiality: All names, identifying factors and details have been either changed or removed in the following case studies to maintain confidentiality.

Case study 1

Background

Sophie is a 30-year-old first-time mother who gave birth to her daughter, Isla, after a prolonged labor that resulted in an emergency cesarean section. Due to complications following surgery, Sophie was separated from Isla for several hours after birth, missing the opportunity for immediate skin-to-skin contact and initial bonding. Sophie’s birth experience left her feeling disempowered and disconnected from both her body and baby which greatly impacted her postpartum mental health. In the weeks that followed, Sophie struggled to bond with her baby. She described feeling “numb” and detached, often going through the motions without experiencing any joy or connection with Isla.

Presenting Concerns

During the first month postpartum, Sophie reported symptoms of low mood, anxiety, and guilt for not feeling “in love” with Isla. Sophie shared that Isla had trouble latching and she felt overwhelmed by the pressure to breastfeed successfully. During these early postpartum weeks, Sophie’s midwife noticed that her mental health and connection with Isla was deteriorating and she referred her to a perinatal mental health counsellor for support.

Attachment Based Parenting

Through counseling, Sophie was introduced to attachment-based parenting. Together, Sophie and her counsellor identified small, intentional ways she could rebuild the bond that felt disrupted at birth. One of the first strategies Sophie embraced was babywearing. With guidance from her counsellor and midwife, she began using a soft wrap to hold Isla close during the day. The close physical contact helped Sophie tune into Isla’s cues such as her breathing patterns, body movements, and subtle signals of comfort or discomfort. Over time, Sophie began to feel more attuned and confident in responding to Isla’s needs.

Sophie also revisited breastfeeding with the support of a lactation consultant. The consultant encouraged skin-to-skin contact before feeds and helped Sophie focus on connection rather than perfection. Feeding became a grounding ritual for both mother and baby, offering moments of stillness and comfort.

Outcome

By six months postpartum, Sophie reported feeling deeply connected to Isla. She described babywearing and breastfeeding as “anchors” that helped her feel grounded in parenthood. Her mood and confidence improved significantly, and she expressed a newfound trust in her ability to nurture her baby.

Sophie’s story illustrates how attachment parenting can foster connection and healing in the postpartum period. It highlights the power of simple, everyday practices that nurture closeness and trust between parent and baby. Her experience also shows that attachment-based parenting supports both the baby’s wellbeing and the parent’s, helping them rebuild confidence and strengthen their instinctive understanding of what their child needs.

Case Study 2

Background

Adrienne, a 32-year-old mother to 8-month-old Leo, sought counseling after experiencing heightened anxiety and irritability regarding Leo’s sleeping patterns. Following months of sleep deprivation, Adrienne decided to try a sleep training program that encouraged leaving Leo to “self-soothe” by crying for increasing intervals.

Initially, Adrienne hoped this method would help Leo sleep through the night and allow her to rest as well. However, hearing Leo cry without responding triggered intense feelings of distress and guilt. Adrienne reported lying awake, crying herself, and feeling both emotionally and physically exhausted during the process. After several nights, she decided to stop the sleep training and felt like she had “failed” both herself and Leo.

Presenting Concerns

When Adrienne first met with a counsellor, she reported feeling a deep sense of helplessness and self-doubt, often questioning her ability to meet Leo’s needs. Adrienne shared that at bedtime, she anticipated long periods of crying that left her feeling panicked and emotionally drained. Despite her exhaustion, Adrienne found it hard to rest, as she was constantly on edge and worrying about whether she was doing the “right thing” for Leo.

Intervention

In therapy, Adrienne and her counsellor explored the attachment-based principles of believing in Leo’s cries and boundaries and balance. Through reflection, Adrienne began to understand that crying was Leo’s primary form of communication, not manipulation or defiance. Together, they reframed Leo’s crying as a sign of need rather than a behavior to be controlled.

With support, Adrienne developed a bedtime approach centered around responsive soothing which incorporates techniques such as holding, rocking, and speaking gently to Leo when he was distressed. They also worked on boundaries and balance, helping Adrienne identify her own self-care needs through rest and recovery without feeling guilty for seeking support. With her partner, she created a nighttime routine where they alternated responsibilities such as bath time, changing, feeding and soothing which allowed Adrienne to have predictable periods of rest. Over several weeks, Adrienne noticed changes in both her emotional state and Leo’s sleep.

Outcome

Adrienne’s anxiety surrounding sleep significantly decreased and she was able to enjoy longer periods of rest. She reported feeling more confident in reading Leo’s sleep cues and setting gentle boundaries that worked for their family. Rather than seeing sleep as a battle, Adrienne began viewing it as a shared process of comfort and co-regulation.

Author’s Note: This example is not meant to discourage you from choosing a sleep training program, but rather to highlight that every family’s experience is unique. Choosing to comfort and soothe your baby instead of prioritizing sleep training is a valid and nurturing choice that may be the right fit for you.

TAKE THE ATTACHMENT STYLE QUIZ

Secure Attachment Parenting Books

For helpful books on attachment-informed parenting, we recommend the Love Rays series by licensed social worker and psychotherapist Paula Sacks, available for both parents and children.

Other books recommended by our community include The Nurture Revolution by Dr. Greer Kirshenbaum and Good Inside: A Practical Guide to Resilient Parenting Prioritizing Connection Over Correction by Dr. Becky Kennedy.

If you’re interested in diving deeper into your attachment style in general, check out our attachment workbooks – there are 4 versions available, each one tailored to your own attachment style, so make sure you take our attachment quiz to find out which one suits you.

Conclusion

Parenting can be a confusing, overwhelming, and isolating time, especially for new parents. You’re likely to hear lots of different opinions and ideas about the best way to parent, including how to develop a secure attachment style.

Ultimately, the right parenting style is unique to you and your baby. If some aspects of the Attachment Parenting protocol sound helpful and others don’t, it’s okay to pick and choose which parts work for you. Attachment-informed parenting can take lots of different forms; if you’re worried about your baby’s attachment, look for local resources and therapists specialising in post-natal or neonatal work.

Clinically Reviewed and Cases Contributed by Allison Winik, RSW MSW BSW

Allison is a Registered Social Worker with the BC College of Social Workers (Registration #16305), currently temporarily living in New Zealand. She holds an Advanced Master of Social Work degree from the University of British Columbia, with a specialization in Health and Social Care.

References

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