The Bird Theory: What It Is and What It Reveals About Your Relationship

If you’ve been on Instagram or TikTok recently, you’ve probably heard of the bird theory. The bird theory is the idea that the way your partner responds to mundane information, like “I saw a bird today,” gauges the health of your relationship.

A simple test like this doesn’t determine the true nature of your relationship (and, really, you shouldn’t be testing your partner anyway), but the bird theory is a great way to learn about bids for connection and how you can apply real psychological theory to your relationships.

In this article, we’ll explore the psychological roots of bird theory and Gottman’s bids for connection, how bird theory relates to your attachment style, and what to do if your partner is ignoring bids for connection.

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What Is the Bird Theory?

The bird theory goes like this: you tell your partner you saw a bird today, or you say, “hey, look at that bird!” and see how they respond. If they ask you about the bird or look for it, this is a positive sign that they’re responding to your bids for connection.

Although it’s become a social media trend – and it still shouldn’t be taken too seriously – the bird test does come from a well regarded psychological theory.

Where Did The Bird Test Come From?

Dr. John Gottman is a highly influential psychologist specializing in relationships and marriage. He’s responsible for the 4 Horsemen theory, which found that 4 relationship behaviors (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) could predict 90% of divorces within just 4 years [1].

Dr. Gottman also coined the term “bids for connection”, in a 2005 paper with colleague Janice Driver [2]. Bids for connection are small moments in which one partner, directly or indirectly, requests an emotional response from the other.

Bids for Connection: The Science Behind the Bird Test

Gottman and Driver observed 50 newlyweds in conflict discussions, hypothesizing that moments of reciprocated self-disclosure would be the most important “units of intimacy” [2]. However, this wasn’t what they found – instead, they found that partners made “emotional bids for connection”, and whether their partner responded by turning towards, away from, or against these bids turned out to be a major source of marital conflict.

Turning towards a bid for connection is any positive or engaged response. Turning away is ignoring the bid, and turning against is an actively negative or hostile response.

This means that responses to the bird test fit into one of these 3 categories. Here are a few examples of responses to the bird test:

Bids for connection examples

Gottman & Driver organized bids for connection into a hierarchy, ranging from lowest level of demand to highest. People didn’t necessarily make bids for connection in order of the heirarchy, but they suggested that this model reflects increasing emotional responses.

We can see in the table above that the bird test is a bid for attention. If, for example, your partner turned away from your bid and you followed up with “It was the coolest bird I’ve ever seen!”, you might then be making a bid for enthusiastic engagement.

Why Your Response to Small Moments Matters So Much

The way you respond to your partner’s day to day bids for connection says a lot about your relationship – but the bird test isn’t necessarily a perfect indicator. Moments of disconnection are normal, and we can’t always respond the way we might want to, maybe because we’re already tired or stressed or focused on something else. It’s the patterns that form over time that count: does your partner usually turn towards your bids, or do they have a habit of ignoring or criticizing them?

In one study, communicating positive personal events was associated with better mood and greater well-being, which increased and came with additional relationship benefits when the partner responded actively and constructively [3]. In other words, paying attention to your partner and responding positively, even when it’s mundane, are good for you and your relationship.

Bids for Connection and Attachment Styles

Responding to bids for connection doesn’t just benefit you and your relationship, but your partner too – a study of 236 couples found that higher perceived partner responsiveness predicted lower attachment anxiety and lower attachment avoidance when it came to their relationship [4]. This effect was particularly noticeable when they had more insecure general attachment styles.

If you have high attachment avoidance, you might be more likely to turn away from your partner’s bids for connection, especially if they’re higher on the demand heirarchy – these demands might feel like too much pressure or expectation, or they might be asking for too much intimacy.

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On the flip side, if you have high attachment anxiety, you might find that you make a lot of bids for connection because you crave closeness with your partner. This could be why, when one partner is high in attachment anxiety and the other in attachment avoidance, you can end up in a vicious push/pull cycle.

Understanding the ways in which you make or respond to bids for connection, and how your attachment style plays into these dynamics, is much more helpful than a pass/fail test like the bird test.

What Do I Do If My Partner “Fails” the Bird Test?

With that said, you might be worried if your partner “fails” the bird test. Social media can make it seem like the be-all-end-all, especially when other people are posting their partner’s positive reactions (which, remember, could be staged). If your partner doesn’t turn toward your bid for connection on this occasion, try asking yourself the following questions:

• Is there another explanation for why my partner didn’t respond the way I hoped? For example, were they just tired or stressed?
• Do my partner’s responses usually make me feel seen, heard, and valued?
• When I make bids for connection day to day, do I usually assume my partner will respond positively?

Remember, it’s about the overall pattern, not the one-off bird test – if you usually feel seen and secure by your partner’s responses, you don’t need to worry. If these questions have highlighted that there might be a problem with bid responses, consider talking to your partner about bids for connection and how you might strengthen them together as a team.

How to Strengthen Bids for Connection in Your Relationship

The good news is that turning toward your partner’s bids is a learnable skill [5]. This might start with a conversation about how to recognize each other’s bids for connection – the way you ask for attention is likely different to your partner, and building an awareness of bids for connection in general can help you to react more consciously in the moment.

Your partner can’t read your mind, so if some of your bids are more indirect, it might help to communicate what you expect to happen. For example, if you try to initiate physical contact by sitting closer to them and they don’t seem to react, it’s okay to tell them “when I do this, it’s because I want you to do this.”

It could also help both of you to work on attachment security, especially if you might be stuck in the anxious-avoidant push-pull dynamic. Building a more secure attachment style could help you to be more responsive to your partner, which increases their attachment security, in turn helping them to be more responsive to you.

Conclusions

The bird theory might have become a social media trend, but its roots in Gottman’s work and bids for connection are well established. However, the way your partner responds based on a one-off shouldn’t be taken as final – consider the whole picture before jumping to conclusions. If your relationship generally feels healthy and you usually feel validated by your partner, then you shouldn’t worry about how they respond to the bird test.

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When you have a secure attachment style, you are likely more responsive to your partner. This, in turn, boosts their attachment security, which can make it easier for them to be more responsive to you. Turning toward bids is a skill that you can learn and improve upon, so don’t be discouraged if you and your partner are having difficulty with bids for connection.

Find out your attachment style and get a personalized report with our free attachment quiz.

FAQs About the Bird Theory and Bids for Connection

What is a bid for connection?

A bid for connection is a direct or indirect request for an emotional response by one partner to another. These range in intensity, from a bid for attention to a bid for self-disclosure.

How do you respond to a bid for connection?

“Turning toward” a bid for connection has the most positive results. This means engaging positively with the bid. If you typically turn away (ignore) or against (respond with hostility) bids for connection, this can be damaging for your relationship.

What happens when you ignore bids for connection?

When you turn away from bids for connection, your partner can feel ignored and invalidated. This has a negative impact on your relationship.

Can the bird test really predict if a relationship will last?

The bird test is just one moment and shouldn’t be used to assess your relationship – rather, you can use it as a jumping off point to think about the overall patterns and day to day habits in your relationship.

How do attachment styles affect bids for connection?

If you have greater attachment security, your partner is likely to rate you as more responsive. This can, in turn, support them to develop more attachment security. If you’re high in attachment avoidance, you might have a tendency not to turn towards bids for connection. If you’re high in attachment anxiety, you might have a tendency to make too many bids for connection.

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