How to Deal With a Narcissist: 9 Strategies for Disarming Narcissistic Control

Dealing with a narcissist can be incredibly difficult. Sometimes, narcissism can be overt and easy to spot. But, oftentimes, narcissism can be covert and insidious – making it tougher to understand how to handle a narcissist.

This article covers what narcissism is before covering strategies for protecting yourself and dealing with a narcissist’s actions.

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We advise one specific way for dealing with a narcissist: If possible, get away. There may be situations in which it is difficult to extract yourself, but, the best way to deal with narcissism is to remove yourself from the situation. We cover exit plans in these strategies, but we wish to highlight that this is something you should consider.

What Is Narcissism?

Narcissism is a personality trait characterized by a need for admiration, attention, and control. Narcissism can also range on a continuum of slight traits to pathological levels – such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

In contrast to how someone with slight narcissism may only embody attention-seeking and listening difficulties, someone with narcissistic personality disorder may possess an unreasonably high sense of their own importance.

Someone with narcissistic personality disorder typically promotes themselves as superior to others, is hypervigilant to threats to their authority, and possesses a high need for control over others. All of these characteristics can be damaging to the psychological well-being of individuals on the receiving end.

Narcissistic control can happen in many different dynamics: romantic, workplace, friendship, and familial. The strategies included in this article can be used across all of these. But before we come to these strategies, let’s first cover the signs that you’re dealing with a narcissist.

Signs You’re Dealing With a Narcissist

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), to fit the bill of narcissistic personality disorder, an individual must demonstrate at least five out of the following nine qualities across a range of different situations.

The nine qualities associated with narcissistic personality disorder are:

1. Grandiosity (an inflated sense of self-importance)
2. A lack of empathy
3. Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, ideal love, or brilliance
4. Believing they are superior or “special”
5. Requiring excessive admiration and praise
6. A high sense of entitlement and need for special treatment
7. Exploitative behaviors such as taking advantage of others
8. Frequent envy of others or believing others to be envious of them
9. Arrogant behaviors

Based on these characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder, if you believe you need help dealing with a narcissist, the following strategies can help.

Manage your communications

If you’re wondering how to talk to a narcissist, the most important factor to remember is that, overall, narcissists aim for control. Therefore, they will attempt to orchestrate specific responses from others. This means they will manipulate, lie, or belittle to get what they want.

To protect yourself, prepare yourself for occasions when they will attempt to manipulate responses from you. This includes remaining calm and composed in the moment – possibly by repeating a mantra to yourself.

Mantras are tools for retaining composure and navigating difficult situations. Create your own for dealing with a narcissist and mentally repeat them to yourself during moments when they are trying to trigger you. Your mantra could sound like:

• I am in control of my emotions, no one else has the right to access them unless I want them to.
• I see and understand what you are doing. I will not give you what you want.
• I am not what this person is telling me I am. I will not feed into their need for control.

We also advise using the regulate, relate, respond technique when communicating with a narcissist.

Regulate, relate, respond

Reactions can be semi-subconscious comebacks to something that triggers us. So, to reduce the chance of a narcissist gaining control, you need to regulate and relate before choosing how you need to respond.

To retain control, it’s important to pause and be mindful of the reactions within our bodies. Do you feel tension, heat, shortness of breath? These are signs that you’re switching into an automatic, emotional state. So, the next time you sense that someone is trying to manipulate you, take a moment to reflect on whether you are reacting automatically. Is there a different way you could respond to the situation?

Regulate. Relate. Respond: Regulate your breathing, relate the situation to your newfound understanding of yourself and others, and then respond.

As an extra note on this strategy, aim to keep your responses brief and to the point. The more information you divulge, the more you may leave yourself prone to gaslighting.

Protect your boundaries

Returning to the fact that narcissists need power and control, you need to protect your boundaries when dealing with a narcissist. Furthermore, narcissists tend to have grandiose expectations, so you need to protect yourself from their expectations regarding your personal life, appearance, work, or anything else they may demand of you.

Healthy boundaries help us establish a sense of identity, protect our needs, and make decisions based on what’s best for us instead of on what’s best for others. Have a think about your boundaries. The following are areas in which you can erect boundaries:

• Physical boundaries refer to physical space and personal touch. They are the limits you set regarding your body: who you choose to touch and be touched by, what you ingest, and when you want to be active or at rest.
• Emotional boundaries are those we set around our feelings and what we’re comfortable sharing with others. They also encompass what we’re willing to provide others in regard to emotional support, such as our capacity for listening and advising.
• Time boundaries refer to how we organize our time. This includes how we prioritize, value, and spend it.
• Intellectual boundaries are those we construct around our thoughts and ideas. These boundaries are often concerned with how we express our thoughts and ideas and how well we receive those of others,
• Material boundaries concern our possessions, such as our belongings, home, and money. The boundaries we erect around material goods typically include what we share and with whom we share it.
• Sexual boundaries refer to the emotional, physical, and intellectual factors of sexuality. These boundaries can be complicated, but they usually involve mutual respect, consent, communication, and rules are all elements of sexual boundaries.

Reflect on each of these areas and ask yourself which ones are important to you and how you can protect them. Make your boundaries clear and realistic. Write them down – you may need to see them to remind yourself and help you stand your ground.

Remember that you are not to blame

Narcissists often use belittling, blame, and gaslighting to help them achieve control and make you feel at fault for their actions. Ultimately, no matter what, you are never to blame for someone else’s actions.

If you slip into self-blame as a result of narcissistic control, you may need to challenge your inner dialogue. It may be the case that how you speak to yourself has been conditioned through manipulation techniques such as gaslighting and belittling.

The next time you find your inner narrative shifting towards self-blame or negative self-talk, try the following steps:

1. Note down any negative thoughts you have about yourself.
2. Analyze how your negative thoughts are distorted or inaccurate by challenging them. For example, ask yourself, Is this thought based on facts? What evidence do I have that this thought is true? And, What evidence is there that opposes this thought?
3. Practice this technique until you start to recognize how much of your inner narrative is negative and inaccurate. Continue to challenge these negative beliefs and replace them with more realistic and positive ones such as, I am a good and worthwhile person. These thoughts are not accurate, so I don’t need to believe in or act on them.

This exercise can help you to put the situation into a more balanced perspective, and even help highlight how controlling the narcissist’s actions are.

Keep track of their communications

Narcissists are prone to gaslighting, a form of covert emotional abuse in which one person creates a false narrative for another. This false narrative forces the target of the emotional abuse to doubt their judgments and sense of reality, resulting in increased emotional dependence on the abuser. To help yourself from becoming the target of narcissistic gaslighting, you may need to keep track of a narcissist’s communication with you. This may mean screen grabbing text messages and notes they’ve left you, or documenting elements of conversations straight after they’ve ended. This way, the other person cannot deny the facts further down the line and attempt to place blame on you.

To facilitate this strategy, you could communicate with them in such ways:

• “To follow up on our conversation, can you email me the arrangements we agreed on?”
• “Could you please text me the time and place we’re supposed to be meeting up?”
• “My workload is quite packed. What are your priorities so I can ensure they’re at the top of my list?”

Confronting a narcissist when they continue to gaslight you despite evidence to the contrary may be tempting. However, bear in mind that they may not be understanding or empathetic. You can communicate how you’re feeling clearly and firmly, but they may still respond defensively as people with narcissistic personality disorder typically only respond to overt praise.

Develop your self-worth

A healthy sense of self-worth means that you value yourself for who you are and understand that you are worthy of love and respect – regardless of how someone else may be treating you.

Our self-worth may suffer due to narcissistic abuse, causing us to internalize another’s actions as the message that we’re not worthy of having our needs met. Furthermore, we may blame ourselves for the other person’s actions.

Developing your self-worth means recognizing that you are more than your achievements and relationships – it means understanding that you are of incomprehensible worth.

First, consider the areas of your life that do not determine your self-worth. These areas include factors such as how others are treating you, your relationship status, your job title, and whether or not you’ve achieved your goals. Even your opinion of yourself doesn’t count – if you believe you are not worthy of love and respect, guess what? You are still worthy of love and respect!

Next, to prevent yourself from basing your self-worth on irrelevant factors, it’s important to understand and accept yourself for who you are. Remind yourself that:

• Regardless of how other people treat you and no matter what happens in your environment, you alone have control over how you think and feel about yourself.
• You don’t need to please other people to feel good about yourself.
• Your values are a better reflection of who you are as a person rather than external praise or achievements.
• You are in control of how you respond to circumstances and situations.

Finally, to fully integrate self-worth into your daily narrative, create a mantra that replaces self-criticism with acceptance and appreciation. This mantra might sound like; I am OK just as I am. No matter what anyone else says or does, I will treat myself with the respect I deserve.

Build your support system

Dealing with a narcissist can be tough to do by yourself, but the good news is that you don’t have to. Narcissistic abuse is more common than most people anticipate. For this reason, there are many support groups available. If you feel anxious about going to one in person, there are online options available. Hearing about other peoples’ experiences can help you understand that you’re not alone and they can also offer valuable advice.

Additionally, consider reaching out to friends and family, or make new friends through activities or interest groups. Plus, remember, in these relationships, you need to feel free to be yourself. Advocate for your needs and avoid relationship patterns that you may have fallen into in the past. Practice open, mutually respectful communication and expect the same in return.

Create exit plans

With increased awareness of how someone with narcissism may covertly attempt to manipulate you, it’s a good idea to rehearse effective strategies for removing yourself from the immediate situation. Doing so can reduce the chance of them inflicting psychological distress.

The following are skills that you can use when enacting an exit plan:

• Awareness that this person is trying to manipulate you
• Mindful breathing
• Effective communication
• Affirmations or mantras
• The regulate, relate, respond technique
• Knowledge and protection of your boundaries

With these skills in mind, you can create an exit plan such as the following:

Exit plan

Remove yourself from the situation: If you suspect that a narcissist is attempting to manipulate you, make an excuse to remove yourself from the situation. This doesn’t have to be done in a loud or dramatic way. For example, you could say you’re expecting a phone call and need to step outside.

Ask for help: If you have a trusted friend or family member, text or call them for advice. Ask them to stay on the phone with you until you de-escalate or are away from the situation.

Find somewhere safe: Where is the place you associate most with feeling safe? Perhaps it’s home, a friend’s house, or a long walk in nature – go there if you can.

Practice self-care: Choose an activity that helps you to feel calm and in control. It doesn’t matter what this activity is as long as it helps you feel safe, restored, and removed from the situation.

Try therapy

Due to the often covert and insidious nature of narcissistic abuse, it may be a good idea to get the advice of a trained mental health professional. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), and Psychodynamic Therapy are common forms of talk therapies used for dealing with a narcissist.

In the therapeutic relationship, the therapist can help you understand how to advocate for your needs, set healthy boundaries, and better understand how to extricate yourself from an unhealthy power dynamic.

Final Words on Dealing With a Narcissist

Dealing with a narcissist is never easy. Sometimes, regardless of the nature of the relationship, narcissistic behavior can cross the line into abuse. Therefore, to protect your psychological well-being it’s important to understand how to protect yourself from and deal with narcissism.

The strategies outlined in this article are a great place to start, but, often, the best way to deal with a narcissist is to extricate yourself from the dynamic. There is support available in the form of groups, professionals such as therapists, and potentially loved ones if this is something you need to do.

In the interim, remember to be mindful of how you communicate, protect your boundaries, develop your self-worth, and remember that you’re not at fault when dealing with a narcissist.