Emotionally Immature Parents: What They Are and Their Impact

The effects of emotionally immature parents often go unrecognized, but the impact of emotionally immature parents is detrimental to the emotional development and well-being of their children–even into adulthood.

In therapy, there is an often recurring theme in adult relationships with caregivers: Feeling like the parenting role is reversed. This often sounds like statements such as…

“I wish my mom wouldn’t huff with me whenever I choose something for my life that she doesn’t approve of.”
“Whenever I talk about my childhood my parents immediately jump on the defensive and tell me I’m not remembering it properly,” AND
“I feel like I have to be so careful of my caregiver’s emotions, but it doesn’t feel like that same respect is given to me in return.”

The thing is, many of us have grown up with emotionally immature parents (EIP) and don’t realize it. Yes, we knew that our needs weren’t met in the way we wanted and that we felt deep frustration and sadness with our caregiver relationships at times, but what we don’t realize is that they were–or are–acting from a place of their own attachment trauma.

For these reasons, it’s difficult to move past our childhood relationships with emotionally immature parents, and even more difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with them as adults. To answer any questions you may have on emotionally immature parents, this article covers:

• What emotionally immature parents are
• Signs of emotionally immature parents
• The types of emotionally immature parents
• The effect of emotionally immature parenting on children
• How adult children of emotionally immature parents are impacted

Aside from this information, we also have an article on how to heal from the effects of emotionally immature parents.

Emotionally Immature Parents

We all have a mental representation of what a family tree looks like. It’s a simple system of branches that include ourselves at the bottom, our caregivers on the limb above, our grandparents, great-grandparents, and so on, tendrilling up to the top of the tree. But what if this description or visual is too limited? What if, instead of loosely connecting branches, our family systems are intricate tapestries or threads that weave and connect in ways we can’t imagine?

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The metaphor of a tapestry is important when it comes to describing emotionally immature parents. We are not isolated from the intergenerational effects (also referred to as transgenerational trauma) of how our caregivers and even grandparents were raised–potentially even continuing back as far as our bloodline goes. Patterns of behavior are passed down from one generation to the next, often without us even realizing it, so therefore, these patterns are still in place today.

An example of such a pervasive pattern of behavior is that of emotionally immature parents (EIP), where certain caregivers don’t recognize their difficulties with emotion regulation and the impact these difficulties have on their children.

We’ll now consider the signs of emotionally immature parents to help you figure out whether this is a phenomenon you’ve encountered.

Signs of Emotionally Immature Parents

The signs of emotionally immature parents can vary depending on the type and severity of behavior. However the following are some general symptoms to consider.

1. They lack empathy or vulnerability around you

Even though emotionally immature parents are typically emotionally reactive during arguments or when their needs aren’t met, they don’t show their underlying feelings for fear of being vulnerable or exposed. As an adult, you may still find that your problems are met by your caregivers with dismissal, minimizing, or withdrawal.

2. Your parent or parents showed extremes of emotion

Although emotionally immature parents dislike being vulnerable, they still demonstrate intense emotions, but these are usually explosions of anger or frustration. For example, perhaps as a child, they flew into a fury if you didn’t get the grades they expected of you, or you didn’t give them the attention they wanted. This isn’t an expression of how they actually feel. Instead, it’s an emotional release which is more a symptom of an underlying resistance to their true feelings.

3. You always came second to their needs

Emotionally immature parents are highly preoccupied with having their own needs met. This means that your needs were secondary to theirs. They may want blind allegiance to their expectations and rules, which can create a deep-rooted sense of insecurity, vulnerability, and overwhelm in a child.

4. You were or are emotionally lonely

Emotionally immature parents may meet their childrens’ physical needs, such as providing food, shelter, and safety. However, in general, they lack the ability to be emotionally present; they may not be warm, nurturing, or open with emotions. This can leave a child feeling on their own with their feelings, as though discussing them will be met with rejection or discomfort.

5. You feel or felt manipulated or trapped

As emotionally immature parents are primarily concerned with their own needs, you may find that they use, or used, strategies such as guilting and shaming to get their way. Although these strategies are manipulative, they are actually the caregivers’ survival instincts kicking in as their needs were likely left unmet by their own caregivers.

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6. Conversations are one-sided

Emotionally immature parents’ concern for their own needs and lack of empathy for those of others can make interactions with them feel as if they’re all about them. They may downplay your side of the conversation, reroute the topic back to themselves, or act dismissive towards what you tell them. Furthermore, conversations with them may feel frustrating as emotionally immature parents can be egocentric and ruminative, meaning they talk about their issues repetitively.

7. You’re more aware of their issues than they are

Because emotionally immature parents talk a great deal about their problems but refuse to acknowledge their true emotions, their children often recognize their caregivers’ issues more than their caregivers do.

8. They’re “emotionally contagious”

Emotional contagion is when emotionally immature parents express themselves consistently through non-verbal actions or emotional outbursts–they want their loved ones to intuit what they want without specifically expressing it. This leads to their children becoming absorbed or enmeshed in their caregivers’ emotions and psyche. Children of emotionally immature parents therefore feel as though they have no boundaries against their caregivers’ feelings and become drawn into their emotions.

9. You lack emotional autonomy

As your boundaries were repeatedly violated and because emotionally immature parents see their children as extensions of themselves, you may lack a sense of individuality and the right to feel your own feelings. If you express feelings or thoughts around your desires, your caregivers may express judgment or disapproval if these thoughts and desires don’t align with theirs.

As we mentioned earlier, there are 4 types of emotionally immature parents, and each one has distinct characteristics that can impact children in different ways. Let’s go through each type in turn before we discuss the effects of each on adult children of emotionally immature parents.

What Is an Emotionally Immature Parent?

There are 4 different forms of emotionally immature parents, but first, we’ll discuss what the term means in general.

In a nutshell, emotionally immature parents are those who exhibit significant emotional immaturity, which, in turn, greatly impacts the lives of their children. Such caregivers struggle to manage stress and effectively regulate their emotions, resulting in inconsistent and often extremes of behavior. Furthermore, emotionally immature parents may struggle to see beyond their own point of view and with empathy toward their children.

In a typical parent-child dynamic, the caregiver strives for a deep emotional connection with their child in which they can understand and empathize with their child’s needs. This connection creates a deep bond in which the child feels safe, loved, and understood. In other words, they develop a secure attachment style. However, emotionally immature parents don’t feel comfortable with emotional connection–usually because of their own childhood. In such situations, the children of emotionally immature parents often develop an insecure attachment style.

A further issue with growing up with an emotionally immature parent is that these parents are often drawn to partners who also have emotion dysregulation problems. This means that the children of emotionally immature parents don’t have a caregiver who can model healthy emotion regulation and behavior.

We’ll now consider the signs of emotionally immature parents to help you figure out whether this is a phenomenon you’ve encountered.

There are 4 different forms of emotionally immature parents, but first, we’ll discuss what the term means in general.

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The 4 Types of Emotionally Immature Parent

Just like with many other behavioral and personality issues, the 4 types of emotionally immature parents can vary from mild to severe traits, with some caregivers possessing more than one type. The 4 types of emotionally immature are as follows:

1. The Emotional Parent

The symptoms of an Emotional Parent include (but aren’t limited to):

• Low empathy towards their children (and others)
• A high preoccupation with their own needs and wants
• Impulsively reacting instead of responding with rationale and thought
• Communication is poor and self-focused
• Difficulties or unwillingness to repair ruptures in relationships

Just as their name suggests, the Emotional Parent’s actions, outlooks, and behaviors are fuelled primarily by their emotions. They “react” instead of “respond” to situations in often unpredictable and chaotic ways. Similar to the disorganized attachment style, the Emotional Parent may push for overwhelming closeness on one occasion but suddenly pull back without warning. Manipulation and other emotional tactics are frequently used against their children to get what they want.

The Emotional Parent views their child as either their “rescuer” or “abandoner” as they need their child to balance their feelings. If their child enters–even slightly–into the abandoner role they may be treated as though their actions are catastrophic and unforgivable.

The child of an Emotional Parent never knows what to expect, resulting in high levels of anxiety and even fear. Such children may end up embodying all their caregivers’ distress, frustration, disappointment, and anger. They feel as though they’re constantly walking on eggshells–because they are.

In line with the theory of transgenerational attachment, children of Emotional Parents may be more likely to develop the disorganized attachment style. Therefore, as adults, they may potentially parent the same way unless they develop self-awareness and strategies for change (sometimes therapy is needed to do so).

2. Driven Parents

The symptoms of a Driven Parent include (but aren’t limited to):

• Preoccupation with their own needs, goals, and opinions
• Low empathy
• Lack of “Other” consideration
• A preference to be in control
• Independence and self-reliance
• The perception of themselves as a “fixer”

From the outside in, Driven Parents can seem like successful achievers. They know what they want and they get it done. Such caregivers have all the right answers and goals for their lives–and for their children’s. Independence and self-reliance are highly important to Driven Parents; they spent their life doing things by themselves so they don’t need the assistance of others now. Unsurprisingly, it’s likely that Driven Parents may have grown up in an emotionally lacking household–similar to those with the avoidant attachment style.

Ironically, children of Driven Parents may end up lacking goal-orientation and motivation. They have been taught to adopt the same goals and motives in life that their caregivers have, so when they don’t pick a direction their caregiver approves of, they feel disapproval, shame, and as though they can’t do anything right. Plus, comfort and empathy are not typically given by their caregivers, so they have to self-soothe their distress from an early age.

3. The Passive/Negligent Parent

The symptoms of a Passive Parent include (but aren’t limited to):

• Conditional empathy
• Self-centredness and self-involvement
• Preference to be fun instead of protective
• Avoidance or denial of difficult situations
• Being either enmeshed (too close) or distant in their child’s life

The Passive Parent can be self-involved and self-centered. For this reason, they tend to take a permissive approach to parenting their children and may even come across as warm and playful. Although the Passive Parent may not be as outwardly damaging as the other forms of EIP, this form of parenting still has markedly negative effects.

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For example, a Passive Parent may turn a blind eye to forms of abuse or neglect because they prefer to minimize the severity of the situation. They may also choose partners who are equally as emotionally immature as they are. Therefore, when life becomes difficult, they prefer to deny or withdraw from the problem–thus, the child is left to deal with the aftermath.

Passive parents are capable of being empathetic, but not if it means sacrificing their own needs to do so. Finally, the children of Passive Parents may feel directionless and passive in their own lives; they’ve never had guidance or healthy modeling from their caregiver so they grow into “lost” adults.

4. The Rejecting Parent

The symptoms of a Rejecting Parent include (but aren’t limited to):

• Displays of angry, scornful, and dismissing behaviors
• Low empathy
• A lack of self-reflection
• High preoccupation with their own needs and boundaries
• Withdrawal from family life

Rejecting parents dislike emotional closeness and intimacy. They prefer a “hands-off” approach to parenting, especially towards their childrens’ emotional needs. They prefer alone time to being around their family and put up strict, impassible boundaries.

From an early age, the children of Rejecting Parents understand that their parents prefer not to be bothered by their attention. Such children sense that they are an “annoyance” or a “bother.” Therefore, to avoid their parents’ anger or rejection, these children avoid approaching them when they need comfort, affection, or compassion. Otherwise, they risk their caregivers’ stern wrath. Rejecting Parents do not lead a democratic household–they rule the roost and everyone–especially their children–understands this.

Effects of Emotionally Immature Parents on Children

The type (or types) of emotionally immature parents that a child grew up with can affect their psychosocial functioning in different ways. However, one potential outcome from all four types of EIP is that the child could develop an insecure attachment style, albeit, a different style depending on the specific type of EIP. For example, Driven and Rejecting Parents may be more likely to raise a child with the avoidant attachment style as these types of parents typically demonstrate strict boundaries, value independence, and have low empathy. Alternatively, Emotional and Passive Parents may be more likely to raise children with the disorganized and anxious attachment styles. This is due to their high levels of self-centredness, lack of consistency, and avoidance of issues that could be harmful to their children.

Aside from insecure attachment, the children of emotionally immature parents may end up forming a number of early maladaptive schemas (EMS). Early maladaptive schemas are a negative template for the world, ourselves, and others which are developed in the formative years of a child’s life and continue to affect them as adults in all life domains. If you’re wondering whether you have any early maladaptive schemas as a result of growing up with emotionally immature parents, you can take our free EMS quiz and receive a report within minutes.

Another point to note is that children of emotionally immature parents often end up in a role reversal scenario called parentification. Parentified children may not consistently have their emotional and physical needs tended to by their caregiver, so the child finds themself tending to their own care and often that of their caregiver’s.

Final Words on Emotionally Immature Parents

Many people grow up with emotionally immature parents and don’t realize it. This lack of awareness is often due to the transgenerational effect of behaviors–actions are passed down through family systems, and, in a sense, are normalized.

However, the impact of emotionally immature parents can have a grave effect on the emotional well-being of their children. This effect includes the potential formation of an insecure attachment style, unhealthy adult relationship patterns, and mood disorders.

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Although growing up with an emotionally immature parent can be incredibly difficult, there is hope: You can take steps toward healing from the impact of this caregiving style. We discuss these steps in our article “A Guide for Children of Emotionally Immature Parents”, so make sure you check it out if you need guidance.

In the meantime, remember; just how early trauma may have wired your brain in a certain way, healing from trauma also changes the brain. You have the capacity to change and The Attachment Project is here to help in any way we can.