Fear of Intimacy: Why You Push Away the Love You Crave

How often do you find yourself becoming uncomfortable just as a relationship is starting to get serious? Do you tend to pull back, feel on edge, or end things when a connection gets too real? If this is familiar to you, you might be experiencing a fear of intimacy.

You might not be totally aware of the patterns at play. You might find different explanations for your discomfort, but the underlying feeling that creeps in stays the same: intimacy feels scary.

In this article, we’re going to talk about the science and signs of fear of intimacy, also known as intimacy avoidance, how intimacy avoidance links to your attachment style, and what to do next to overcome a fear of intimacy.

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Key Points:

• Intimacy is multidimensional, including emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, commitment, and shared goals.
• The “vulnerability hangover” is a sign that you stepped too far out of your comfort zone.
• Childhood and previous experiences of betrayal and rejection could lead to fear of intimacy.
• Attachment insecurity can lead to fear of intimacy, including attachment anxiety despite craving intimacy.
• Recovery needs to be gradual and should involve developing skills to manage emotional discomfort.

What Is Fear of Intimacy?

Intimacy has proven difficult to measure in the psychological world – it’s not just physical or sexual, but can also be emotional, intellectual, or even recreational. A fear of intimacy could be a fear of any kind of intimacy.

One popular way of looking at intimacy is in 4 dimensions:¹

Self-disclosure: comfort and ease telling someone how you feel.

Love and affection: feelings of closeness.

Personal validation: a sense of acceptance and understanding of each other.

Trust: comfort giving and receiving emotional support.

A fear of any kind of intimacy might often be an unconscious process, or an emotional reaction to these experiences even without a full understanding of the reason for it.

This is different from a preference for being alone. Rather than choosing to be alone, someone with intimacy avoidance might seek companionship, only to feel overwhelmed and create distance when they get it.

7 Signs You Have a Fear of Intimacy

It can be hard to pinpoint a fear of intimacy. One common scale used to measure intimacy is the Fear of Intimacy Scale (FIS) – there are 35 questions on this scale covering fears of emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, commitment, loss of independence, and engulfment.² This is a brief, adapted list of some FIS questions:

• You don’t feel comfortable talking with your partner about things that have hurt you deeply.
• You would feel nervous showing your partner strong feelings of affection.
• You feel nervous about being spontaneous with your partner.
• You feel afraid that you won’t always feel close to your partner.
• You would sometimes feel uncomfortable listening to your partner’s personal problems.
• You would feel uncomfortable being together and talking about each other’s personal goals with your partner.
• In the past, you have held back or shied away from opportunities to be close to someone.

The “Vulnerability Hangover”

Sometimes, even if you do feel ready to share something intimate, you can feel on edge, anxious, or regretful afterwards. One study in 2006 found that people who have higher levels of social anxiety can feel lower in mood when they ruminate on having disclosed something personal, compared with just having small talk.

Popular academic Brené Brown has since labelled this feeling of post-intimacy regret the “vulnerability hangover”.

What Causes Fear of Intimacy?

When you feel anxious or exposed, your nervous system is activated – the same nervous system that makes you feel scared and threatened. Being intimate with someone is inherently vulnerable, and if vulnerability doesn’t feel safe, your nervous system will respond as if you’re in danger.

Previous Violations of Trust

If you’ve been hurt by trusting people before, it might be harder to trust people again. This could’ve happened at any time and on any level, from one experience of betrayal in adulthood to consistent rejection or disappointment in childhood.

Even your infant experiences of attachment can impact your comfort with intimacy later on. If you don’t have a consistently responsive and reliable caregiver, you might not develop a secure attachment style, which can make it more difficult to trust and develop a sense of closeness with others in adulthood – more on this coming up.

The Dual Fears: Abandonment vs. Engulfment

Another suggested measure of fear of intimacy is on a two dimensional scale: fear of losing the self (engulfment), and fear of losing the other (abandonment).³ This is measured on the Fear of Intimacy Components Questionnaire (FICQ).

Fear of losing the self describes a fear of losing your own identity and sense of autonomy in a relationship. Examples from the FICQ include preferring to make personal decisions without your partner’s input, not wanting to justify or adjust yourself for your partner, and trying to preserve your own space.

Fear of losing the other describes worries your partner will leave or reject you, therefore avoiding intimacy to avoid the possibility of being rejected. Examples from the FICQ include not showing your partner aspects of your personality or perceived weaknesses, hiding the truth to avoid disappointing your partner, and assuming your partner would think of you poorly if you shared everything about yourself.

It’s possible to have both fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment, and scoring highly on both can lead to you pushing your partner away in lots of ways.

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Does Your Attachment Style Shape Your Fear of Intimacy?

You might be wondering whether you or your partner’s fear of intimacy is connected to your attachment style – and the answer is, yes, your attachment style likely influences your approach to intimacy. High scores on the FIS have been associated with lower levels of security and comfort with closeness, and higher levels of attachment anxiety.⁴

In other words, both attachment avoidance and attachment anxiety are associated with a fear of intimacy. This makes sense, since a fear of intimacy itself is characteristic of attachment insecurity. Since attachment anxiety is associated with anxiety about rejection, we might hypothesize that this is connected with intimacy avoidance stemming from the fear of losing the other. On the other hand, since attachment avoidance is associated with a need for autonomy, we might suggest that this is more likely to be associated with intimacy avoidance stemming from fear of losing the self.

It might seem counterintuitive that attachment anxiety is linked to intimacy avoidance: you want to be close to your partner and crave intimacy with them, but the fear of abandonment could prevent you from sharing things that are turly vulnerable and thus prevent you from experiencing real intimacy with them.

Did you know your attachment style can change? Take our free attachment quiz to find out your attachment style now.

How to Overcome Fear of Intimacy

A fear of intimacy can be overcome, even if it’s associated with your attachment style. Working towards attachment security can help you to overcome intimacy avoidance, whether you’re dealing with attachment anxiety, attachment avoidance, or both.

Therapy and Professional Support

If therapy feels like the right road for you, there are lots of different types of therapy out there. The most helpful kind might depend on where your fear of intimacy comes from and what approaches you tend to work well with.

If you think your fear of intimacy is connected to your attachment style, attachment-based therapies can help you to build attachment security, trust, and an ability to be vulnerable with partners.

If you prefer a more structured approach, cognitive therapies like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you to challenge negative beliefs and assumptions that can lead you to develop a fear of intimacy.

Building Trust Through Gradual Vulnerability

If you’re on your journey to heal your fear of intimacy, remember that this process takes time. If you jump into big moments of vulnerability too soon, you might trigger even bigger feelings of discomfort and shame and a vulnerability hangover. Take gentle steps out of your comfort zone, but don’t race ahead.

You will naturally feel uncomfortable if you’re expanding your comfort zone, but the discomfort should stay at a level you can manage. It can help to practice self-compassion and nervous system regulation to deal with the uncomfortable feelings that vulnerability brings up. Self-affirming statements (“I am worthy of love”, “I care for myself”) and mindfulness practice can help you with this. Practice these tools while you feel calm so that they’re easier to access when you need them.

Conclusion

A fear of intimacy can get in the way of developing close relationships, but it can also be overcome with time and effort. You might not fear all kinds of intimacy, but any intimacy avoidance can make it difficult to trust and feel vulnerable with others.

Fear of intimacy signs can be hard to spot, especially if you crave intimacy at the same time – this might be common in people with high attachment anxiety, even without attachment avoidance. If the signs of intimacy avoidance ring true for you and you have an insecure attachment style or previous experiences of betrayal or rejection, it could be worth reflecting on whether your fear of intimacy is impeding your relationships.

Overcoming your fear of intimacy is a gradual and naturally uncomfortable process, but with time, patience, and the right support, it’s possible to develop a sense of trust and genuine closeness in your relationships.

FAQs About Fear of Intimacy

Q: Is fear of intimacy the same as avoidant attachment?

Fear of intimacy could be linked to attachment avoidance, but it can also be linked to attachment anxiety. It’s not necessarily the same as avoidant attachment, but it is characteristic of it.

Q: Can fear of intimacy be cured?

A fear of intimacy can be overcome with gentle steps outside your comfort zone, self-compassion, and developing skills to manage emotional discomfort.

Q: What are the signs of fear of intimacy in a man?

The signs of a fear of intimacy include discomfort sharing or listening to your partner’s deep feelings, feeling nervous showing your partner affection, and a history of shying away from opportunities to be close to partners.

Q: Why do I crave intimacy but push people away?

Craving intimacy but pushing people away could be associated with an insecure attachment style, particularly anxious-preoccupied and fearful-avoidant. Both have high attachment anxiety, which involves craving closeness, but a fear of abandonment at the same time. This can lead to withholding things that make you feel vulnerable or at risk of disappointing your partner, preventing real intimacy.

Q: What is a vulnerability hangover?

A vulnerability hangover is a feeling of anxiety, shame, or regret after sharing something vulnerable or intimate.

Q: How does childhood trauma cause fear of intimacy?

If you were repeatedly let down, rejected, or betrayed – whether or not this was traumatic – you could develop a fear of intimacy because trust and vulnerability haven’t been experienced as safe.

Q: What is the Fear of Intimacy Scale (FIS)?

The Fear of Intimacy Scale (FIS) is one way psychologists measure intimacy avoidance. It measures fear of emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, commitment, loss of independence, and engulfment.

References

1. Hook MK, Gerstein LH, Detterich L, Gridley B. How close are we? Measuring intimacy and examining gender differences. Journal of Counseling & Development. 2003 Oct;81(4):462-72.
2. Descutner CJ, Thelen MH. Development and validation of a Fear-of-Intimacy Scale. Psychological assessment: A journal of consulting and clinical psychology. 1991 Jun;3(2):218.
3. Sobral MP, Costa ME. Development of the Fear of Intimacy Components Questionnaire (FICQ). European Journal of Psychological Assessment. 2015 Feb 27.
4. Lyvers M, Edwards M, Thorberg F. Alexithymia, attachment and fear of intimacy in young adults. IAFOR Journal of Psychology & the Behavioral Sciences. 2017 Dec 14;3:1-1.