Flying Monkeys: Narcissist Tactics, DARVO, and Attachment Effects

By Katie Caygill Pocock (MSc. Clinical Neuropsychiatry, BSc. Psychology with Neuroscience)

Having your trusted friends and family turn against you in favor of an abuser is a confusing, painful experience. You might have heard of this manipulation tactic as “flying monkeys” – a narcissist’s flying monkeys act on the narcissist’s behalf, whether they mean to or not.

“Flying monkeys” isn’t a psychology term, but it does relate to psychological concepts known as triangulation and DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). While DARVO does have psychological research behind it, “flying monkeys” is considered a “pop psychology” term.

In this article, we’ll explore flying monkeys in the context of triangulation and DARVO, how it happens and why it hurts so much, and how to deal with flying monkeys.

What Are Flying Monkeys?

In The Wizard of Oz, the Wicked Witch uses flying monkeys to find and attack the protagonists. They’re used to carry out her will and do her dirty work for her – this is the idea behind a narcissist’s flying monkeys.

A narcissist’s flying monkey doesn’t necessarily have bad intentions. They might have a sense that they’re “teaming up” against you, but they might also be manipulated by the abuser.

A flying monkey could be used to gather information, spread information (or misinformation), enforce the narcissist’s narrative, or any other act that allows the narcissist’s behavior to continue unquestioned. Having people on their side is key to staying in control.

Why People Get Recruited: The DARVO Effect on Bystanders

DARVO, defined by psychologist Dr. Jennifer Freyd in 1997, stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender¹, ². It describes how abusers might try to change the narrative – they deny wrongdoing, attack the victim’s credibility, and assume a victim role themselves so that others believe the victim to be the perpetrator. This can also involve triangulation, in which a third person is brought into conflict to avoid addressing the problem directly³.

According to attachment specialist, Licensed Clinical Social Worker and expert contributor for The Attachment Project, Paula Sacks:

“Triangulation is a very common tactic. Like in a triangle, let’s say the narcissist is at the top and two people are at the bottom. The narcissist never wants the two people at the bottom to speak, because the narcissist will badmouth the one side of the triangle to the other and vice versa. As long as the two bottom points never speak to each other about it, the manipulator has the power.”

According to a 2020 study, when given a story about violent abuse and asked about their opinions of each person involved, study participants exposed to DARVO tactics rated victims as less believable, more responsible for the violence, and more abusive themselves⁴.

An abuser’s flying monkeys aren’t necessarily bad people; they may have been exposed to manipulative tactics themselves, and they might still have your best interests at heart. They might not realize or intend the effects of what they’re doing.

Why Flying Monkeys Cause So Much Distress: Attachment Effects

Your attachments aren’t just for your romantic partners – close friends and family members can also become attachment figures⁵. Losing attachment figures is a distressing experience, no matter what your attachment style is (although your emotional response can manifest differently depending on your attachment style).

We can theorize that when an attachment figure starts to side with an abuser, you’re not only feeling confused and distressed about the abuse, but also feeling the potential loss of your attachment bond. You can also feel even more confused, and perhaps start to question the abuse yourself – if someone you trust believes a different narrative, you might be more inclined to start believing it too. Believing them might also protect the attachment bond, and questioning your own role in the abuse might feel less painful or frightening than the thought of losing your attachment.

3 Signs Someone Might Be A Flying Monkey

There is no clinically or academically validated checklist to identify a flying monkey. However, some patterns of behavior might indicate that another person is being influenced.

It can be very difficult for people to see abuse from the outside, depending on the situation, and it becomes even more difficult when outsiders are influenced by the abuser.

Someone who’s become a flying monkey might have a noticeable change in their behavior. Where before, they were concerned for your safety, they might now be concerned about your behavior. It can still be genuine concern – they likely still care about you, but their perspective on the situation might have changed. They might feel the need to help you be better, rather than helping you get out of your situation.

You might also have a sense that they’re asking you for information out of curiosity or a desire just to know, rather than because they want to help you and give you space to talk. They might push boundaries, continuing to ask you questions even after you’ve made it clear you don’t want to answer them.

If they’ve been directly influenced by a narcissist, you might notice them using the same language and behaviors when they talk about you and your relationship to the narcissist.

In summary, here are 3 possible signs that someone is a flying monkey:

1. Their concern shifts from worrying about your safety to worrying about your behavior.
2. They push boundaries, particularly when looking for information.
3. They suddenly use the same language and behavior as the narcissistic abuser.

Flying Monkeys Example: DARVO in Action

Irene and Cam have been in a toxic friendship for a long time. They are very close to each other, but they often have intense arguments that last for days or weeks. However, they are in the same group of friends, so they always end up back in contact.

Their conflict follows the same pattern: Irene often brings up problems with Cam, criticizing their character and saying things that hurt Cam’s feelings. When Cam asks Irene to be a little gentler when they bring up these issues, Irene says that she does nothing wrong, and actually Cam is the one who is demonizing her and treating her unkindly.

Cam has been confiding in another friend, Tony, about how Irene makes them feel. Tony is concerned and, believing Irene to be genuinely unaware of her behavior, asks Irene whether they could communicate with Cam without being critical. Irene tells Tony that, actually, Cam is the one who is always making her out to be a villain – she tries to tell Cam that the way they act hurts her feelings, but the situation gets turned around on them. She suggests that Cam might have difficulties with emotional regulation and often makes a big deal out of nothing.

On hearing this, Tony feels sympathetic to both Cam and Irene. He feels that Cam’s reactions and interpretations of the situation may be the real problem. When he tries to ask Cam whether they might be reacting too intensely and making a big deal out of things, Cam feels deeply hurt and afraid they can no longer confide in Tony. At the same time, Cam trusts Tony, and questions their own reality as they wonder whether Tony might be right. Tony does not realize he is enforcing Irene’s narrative.

Later, upon learning about DARVO, Tony also questions the reality of the situation. He starts to wonder whether he was wrong. Finding the situation complex and confusing, he decides to be there for both Irene and Cam without passing judgement until he has more reliable information.

What Actually Works: The Psychoeducation Finding

If you’re dealing with flying monkeys, it could help to make them aware of DARVO.

In the second part of the 2020 study, participants who had learned about DARVO were less inclined to believe the perpetrator, and instead more inclined to believe the victim than those who hadn’t. If safe and appropriate, sharing information about DARVO, whether directly with the person you’re worried is a flying monkey or indirectly, e.g. on social media, could theoretically help them to see the situation from a different perspective.

If you intend to have the conversation with the flying monkey directly, practice grounding techniques and emotional regulation first. This conversation might be emotionally intense and there’s no guarantee it will go the way you hope it will, so prepare for every scenario and have a plan to decompress afterward. You might plan to go somewhere you feel safe and comfortable, engage in a relaxing creative activity, or see friends, relatives, or social groups who are removed from the situation with the abuser.

We can’t control what other people think and feel, but we can give them information and control our own actions. If the flying monkey continues to act in ways that make you uncomfortable, it might be worth setting boundaries around what you want to talk about with them to protect the rest of the relationship. Every situation is unique, and a mental health professional can help you to make decisions that are safe and helpful for you.

Should I Go No Contact With Flying Monkeys?

We are often advised to go no-contact, but this isn’t always straightforward in a DARVO situation. A narcissistic abuser might benefit from isolating you from others, and it’s important to keep positive relationships around you when someone is acting against your best interests.

Paula Sacks, LICSW, suggests that the solution is often actually in more direct contact:

“The flying monkey is being manipulated as well. You have to keep in mind that the basis of a narcissist is that they have to look good at all costs. The narcissist will turn everybody against the person that they don’t like or that they perceive has done them wrong. But when you talk to each other, you realize that, actually, you all might have heard a different story.”

In some situations, setting boundaries might help you to preserve an otherwise supportive relationship. However, if someone is making you unsafe, such as by relaying threats or sensitive information, reducing or ending contact may be the safest thing to do.

Setting boundaries might look like deciding you don’t want to talk about the abuser with them, you don’t want to see them both in the same place, or you don’t want to share personal information with them anymore. The right boundaries for you will depend on your own experiences. This can help you to maintain other positive parts of the relationship, like having someone to do shared activities with, or someone to talk to about more mundane problems.

In the above example referencing Cam and Tony, perhaps Cam decides not to confide in Tony about Irene anymore. Tony agrees not to talk about the situation anymore, and they can still enjoy time together. This means Tony is still there as some level of social support for Cam, and the door is open wider for him to change his mind when he learns about DARVO.

However, every situation is different, and we’re not advising you to try to hold on to relationships if they’re hurting you. A mental health professional or domestic abuse support service can help you to decide the best course of action for your unique situation and come up with a personalized safety plan.

Conclusions

A “flying monkey” is someone who is “recruited” by a narcissistic abuser to essentially change the narrative. It can sometimes be seen in DARVO and triangulation situations. The flying monkey may not necessarily realize that they’re siding with an abuser, and might think they’re acting out of care for you.

Educating people about DARVO can help them to spot it, but the conversation with a loved one might not necessarily go as planned. Try to prepare for emotional intensity and unideal scenarios, and have a plan to debrief or decompress afterward.

You might also hear advice to go no contact, but this can end up isolating us even further. It’s sometimes more helpful to set boundaries – whether it’s better to go no contact or set boundaries with a flying monkey to preserve the relationship depends on your unique situation.

FAQs

Do flying monkeys ever see through the narcissist?

Educating someone about DARVO can help them to see through it, but it isn’t a guaranteed solution.

How to turn flying monkeys against the narcissist?

Rather than getting caught up in trying to make someone think, feel, or act a certain way, focus on what you can control: you can give them the information, and you can control how you respond.

What is a flying monkey narcissist?

A flying monkey isn’t a type of narcissist, rather, it’s someone who has been influenced by a narcissist to believe and enforce their narrative.

Are narcissists controlling?

People with narcissistic traits can be controlling not just of their victims, but of the people around their victims, often in ways that are subtle or difficult to describe to people outside the situation.

References

1. Freyd JJ. II. Violations of power, adaptive blindness and betrayal trauma theory. Feminism & Psychology. 1997 Feb;7(1):22-32.
2. Harsey SJ, Zurbriggen EL, Freyd JJ. Perpetrator responses to victim confrontation: DARVO and victim self-blame. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma. 2017 Jul 3;26(6):644-63.
3. Dallos R, Vetere A. Systems theory, family attachments and processes of triangulation: Does the concept of triangulation offer a useful bridge?. Journal of Family Therapy. 2012 May;34(2):117-37.
4. Harsey S, Freyd JJ. Deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender (DARVO): what is the influence on perceived perpetrator and victim credibility?. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma. 2020 Sep 13;29(8):897-916.
5. Bohn J, Holtmann J, Luhmann M, Koch T, Eid M. Consistency and specificity of attachments to parents, friends, and romantic partners in emerging adulthood. Emerging Adulthood. 2023 Feb;11(1):58-73.