Pragma Love: Practical and Committed

Do you approach love analytically, look for partners with specific traits, and value a partner who can bring particular benefits to a relationship? You might have the Pragma love style.

“Pragma” is related to the word “pragmatic”, meaning things are approached in a practical way, rather than an emotional way.

In this article, we’ll further explore the Pragma love style and explain how to recognize it, how it shows up in relationships, and how it might link to your attachment style.

What is Pragma Love?

Pragma is one of Canadian psychologist John Alan Lee’s 6 love attitudes that describe the different ways we approach romantic relationships¹, ². There are 3 primary styles: Eros (passionate love), Storge (platonic love), and Ludus (game-playing love). The combinations of these each give 3 secondary styles: Agape (selfless love), Mania (possessive love), and Pragma (practical love). Pragma is the combination of Storge and Ludus.

Lee theorized that we each have one main love style in our approach to romantic love, and these patterns show up in how we look for, find, and behave with partners.

Pragma Love Meaning

Pragma love may be defined as a love founded on reason and logic, often focused on longer-term interests. It is much less related to sexual or romantic attraction, and more focused on the objective qualities of the partner and how compatible they are for a long, happy life together. Pragma love is very common in some cultures where arranged marriages are the norm.

“Pragma is like wine aged by chemical means instead of waiting for nature.”¹

Pragma Traits

If you’re a Pragma lover, you may recognize these common characteristics of Pragma love:

• Pragma lovers choose partners with intention – they have a very clear idea of what they would like in a partner and seek them out in relevant places.
• Pragma lovers often choose people they already know, or build relationships from friendships. They believe that romantic and sexual chemistry can be developed over time.
• Common goals and values are important to people with the Pragma love style, and they expect both partners to contribute to the relationship.
• Pragma lovers might look for their partners on matchmaking sites, or use dating apps with heavy search filters to avoid incompatible matches.

Challenges of Pragma Love

While Pragma love can bring clarity and certainty, it does mean that the Pragma lover can sometimes have high expectations of their partner. If they perceive that their partner isn’t contributing enough to their shared goals, they can become discontent in the relationship and put pressure on their partner.

Examples of Pragma in Relationships

In relationships, the Pragma love style can contribute to a sense of stability. Pragma lovers bring material and other benefits to their relationships, and they seek partners who can meet their expectations to do the same. Their relationships are more focused on these goals and shared values, but they do have an interest in gradually building emotional connection too.

Examples of Pragma love in action might include:

• Choosing a partner based on shared life goals like wanting children, career compatibility, or financial stability
• Using detailed dating profiles that clearly outline expectations and deal-breakers
• Prioritizing compatibility over instant chemistry when evaluating potential partners
• Building romantic relationships from existing friendships where mutual respect and compatibility are already established
• Approaching relationship milestones strategically, considering practical factors like timing and life circumstances

Attachment and Pragma Love

Attachment styles have a direct impact on how we view and experience relationships. Styles are formed in early childhood when we are first trying to meet our needs, primarily through our caregivers. Depending on how those needs are met, we may learn to expect one thing, or another, from relationships and those close to us. Generally speaking, attachment theory has a big impact on our ability to love and also how we love.

In one influential paper, the Pragma love style was the only one not associated with attachment³. This might make sense – Pragma lovers are not highly emotional, nor are they necessarily looking for warmth in their relationships at first, but they are actively interested in committing emotionally to the right person.

In our own study here at The Attachment Project, we found that Pragma was weakly associated with both higher avoidance and high anxiety. People who score higher on attachment insecurity might be closer to Pragma because Pragmatic love might enable them to feel more in control, but it would be worth studying further to find out if the slight correlations we found might be important.

This connection might make sense when we consider that:

• Avoidant attachment may lead to preferring logical over emotional approaches to relationships
• Anxious attachment might drive the need for clearly defined relationship parameters and security
• Pragma’s practical approach may feel safer for those who have experienced relationship instability or unpredictability

Pragma Love vs. Other Love Styles

Understanding how Pragma differs from other love styles can help clarify whether this approach resonates with you:

• Pragma vs. Eros: While Eros focuses on passion and physical attraction, Pragma prioritizes compatibility and long-term suitability
• Pragma vs. Storge: Storge develops from friendship naturally, while Pragma actively seeks friendship-based relationships for strategic reasons
• Pragma vs. Ludus: Ludus treats love as a game without commitment, while Pragma games the system to find lasting commitment
• Pragma vs. Mania: Mania involves intense emotional dependency, while Pragma maintains emotional distance initially
• Pragma vs. Agape: Agape gives selflessly without expectation, while Pragma expects mutual contribution and benefit

Is Pragma Love Right for You?

Pragma love can be a healthy and effective approach to relationships, especially if you value:

• Long-term compatibility over short-term passion
• Shared goals and values in your partnerships
• Practical considerations like financial stability, family planning, and lifestyle compatibility
• Building love gradually rather than experiencing instant attraction
• Clear expectations and mutual contribution in relationships

However, it’s important to remember that successful relationships often benefit from elements of multiple love styles. While Pragma can provide a strong foundation, incorporating emotional intimacy, playfulness, and genuine care can enhance relationship satisfaction.

Final Thoughts on Pragma Love

Pragma love is, as it sounds, pragmatic. People with the Pragma love style choose partners based on their suitability “on paper”, and make active efforts to support an emotional connection to grow from there. It’s not without its challenges, but Pragma is a very popular approach to love in some cultures.

Understanding your love style can provide valuable insights into your relationship patterns and help you build more fulfilling connections. Whether you identify strongly with Pragma or recognize elements of multiple love styles in your approach, the key is finding strategies that work for your unique situation and attachment style.

To find out more about love styles and how they might relate to your attachment style, check out the rest of our love styles articles and explore how understanding both can enhance your relationships.

Frequently Asked Questions About Pragma Love

Is Pragma love less romantic than other love styles?

Pragma love isn’t less romantic—it simply approaches romance differently. Pragma lovers believe that deep emotional connection can be built over time through compatibility and shared experiences, rather than starting with intense passion.

Can Pragma love lead to lasting relationships?

Yes, Pragma love can lead to very stable and lasting relationships because it’s built on compatibility, shared values, and mutual contribution. The practical foundation often provides strong relationship security.

Do people with Pragma love style experience passion?

Pragma lovers can absolutely experience passion, but they typically don’t rely on it as the primary foundation for choosing partners. They believe passion can develop and deepen over time within a compatible relationship.

How does Pragma love relate to arranged marriages?

Pragma love is very common in cultures with arranged marriages, where families choose partners based on compatibility, social status, and practical considerations rather than romantic attraction.

Can someone have both Pragma and other love styles?

While people typically have one dominant love style, it’s possible to have elements of multiple styles. Many successful relationships benefit from combining Pragma’s practical approach with emotional elements from other styles.

Is Pragma love compatible with all attachment styles?

Pragma love can work with all attachment styles, though it may be particularly appealing to those with avoidant or anxious attachment who prefer more predictable, clearly defined relationship parameters.

References

1. Lee JA. A typology of styles of loving. Personality and social psychology bulletin. 1977 Jan;3(2):173-82.
2. Hendrick C, Hendrick S. A theory and method of love. Journal of personality and social psychology. 1986 Feb;50(2):392.
3. Levy MB, Davis KE. Lovestyles and attachment styles compared: Their relations to each other and to various relationship characteristics. Journal of social and Personal Relationships. 1988 Nov;5(4):439-71.

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