Social Comparison: Why Do We Compare Ourselves to Others

With the social media highlight reels of everyone we know – and everyone we don’t – at our fingertips, social comparison is tough to get away from. Scrolling endlessly past your friends’ milestone announcements and achievements can leave you feeling low in comparison, even if you’re happy for your friends and usually positive about your own successes.

Social comparison is nothing new – its first use was by psychologist Dr. Leon Festinger in 1954, but it has existed as a concept for as long as human interaction [1]. A little social comparison isn’t a bad thing, as it can motivate us to achieve the things we want. But, too much social comparison can have the opposite effect, damaging our mental health and relationships.

In this article, we’ll explore social comparison in depth including the psychology of social comparison and why we compare ourselves to others, how social comparison relates to your relationships and attachment style, and what you can do to manage unhelpful social comparison.

What Is Social Comparison?

Festinger’s theory of social comparison involved the idea that we compare ourselves against others when there is no objective measure available, like a test result. He argues that we have a drive to compare ourselves in order to validate that our opinions are “correct” and our abilities are better than others.

Social comparison is thought to be innate, meaning it’s a natural process that we do without thinking [2]. However, we can override innate behaviors like these by learning different approaches. We might choose to do this because we find ourselves frequently feeling low or anxious after comparing ourselves to others, although social comparison doesn’t always have to result in negative feelings.

Sometimes we feel inspired, optimistic, or sympathetic after social comparison. Certain types of social comparison could elicit different responses.

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Types of Social Comparison

Social comparison can be conceptualized in 3 different categories:

• Upward social comparison: comparing yourself to people you perceive are doing better than you.
• Lateral social comparison: comparing yourself to people you perceive is similar to you.
• Downward social comparison: comparing yourself to people you perceive are doing worse than you.

In 2018, an analysis of over 60 years of social comparison research found that we tend to choose upward social comparison far more often than we choose downward comparison, even though it makes us feel bad [3]. However, the negative emotions we feel after upward comparison can be buffered by high self-esteem and feelings of control – a positive attitude to upward social comparison could even improve our self-esteem through self-improvement [4], [5].

Social Comparison Examples

Social comparison can happen in almost any social context, not just online. Here are a few real life examples of social comparison:

The Neuroscience of Social Comparison

Specific brain regions have been differently associated with upward and downward social comparison, although all are significant in evaluating value and goal-directed behavior [6]. Upward social comparison activates the bilateral anterior insula and dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, while downward social comparison activates the ventral striatum and ventromedial prefrontal cortex.

The fact that these brain regions are associated with motivation and goal-directed behavior tells us that social comparison is probably an adaptive behavior designed to help us identify and take action towards things we want. For example, if you see a friend running a marathon and feel upward social comparison, your brain is evaluating how much you want that goal and motivating you to start running.

If these brain regions associated with goals and rewards are connected differently, such as in attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) [7], this could influence how we engage in social comparison (this doesn’t mean that struggling with social comparison is a sign of ADHD). Our brains are “plastic”, which, in neuroscience, means that they’re mouldable – if we engage in social comparison often, we strengthen the associated brain networks and it becomes a more deeply ingrained unconscious process.

This makes it hard to say which comes first: the behavior or the brain wiring. The good news is that consciously changing our behavior can influence our brain wiring – we’ll talk about this in more detail when we talk about how to manage social comparison.

Social Comparison and Social Media

Social comparison can happen anywhere, but it thrives on social media. We tend to post a “highlight reel” of our lives online, with many social media users distorting or even faking their reality, making it difficult not to engage in upward social comparison every time we go online.

One study suggested that depression might make us more likely to use social media, rather than the other way around, and that this combination could make us more vulnerable to upward social comparison, leading to a negative cycle of low mood and further social comparison [8].

In another study, our tendency to engage in social comparison while using social media was found to relate to our attachment styles [9] – so, how does your attachment style relate to how you engage in social comparison?

Social Comparison and Attachment Styles

We still need more research to fully understand the nuances in attachment styles, social comparison, and self-esteem, but a few studies have begun to look at how attachment avoidance and attachment anxiety play a role in social comparison.

Attachment Anxiety and Social Comparison

Attachment anxiety has been associated with social comparison on social media [9]. This is likely because attachment anxiety involves a preoccupation with others and an increased need to feel we belong, so it makes sense that we might spend more time measuring ourselves up against others.

However, even when attachment anxiety is involved, this comparison doesn’t always result in negative feelings. A study on how we compare ourselves to celebrities found that people with high attachment anxiety are more likely to see themselves in others, so had increased self-liking after thinking about positively regarded celebrities [10].

DISCOVER YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE

Attachment Avoidance and Social Comparison

While people high in attachment anxiety tend to assimilate, people high in attachment avoidance tend to contrast themselves with others. In the celebrity study, this meant that people high in attachment avoidance had increased self-liking after thinking about the negative traits of more controversial celebrities [10].

This might not be a problem when it comes to parasocial celebrity relationships, but if it extends to your interpersonal relationships, focusing on the negative traits in others could have poor implications.

Social Comparison in Relationships

Too much social comparison with people you’re close to can be damaging for your relationship – if their success is a continued source of negative self-image for you, you could start to feel resentful and your loved ones may notice that you don’t seem genuinely happy about their wins.

According to Tesser’s Self-Evaluation Model, we feel more negatively about ourselves if the thing that someone we’re close to is good at is important to us too [11]. However, if this particular skill isn’t important to us, we feel better about ourselves through being close to them.

For example, let’s say you and your close friend both compete in gymnastics competitions. Your friend is often recognized for their talent and usually places higher than you. This can make you judge yourself negatively, even if you’re pleased for them. You have another equally close friend who excels at music and plays the piano professionally, but being good at music has never been a part of your identity. When you go to their performances, you don’t compare yourself to their musical talent – in fact, you feel proud because their success reflects positively on you.

Social Comparison in Romantic Relationships: Relationship Doubt

Your skills and abilities aren’t the only things you can compare – when you’re in a romantic relationship, you might also compare your relationship to others. You might be looking for evidence that your relationship is “good enough” or that your partner is the right person for you. In its most extreme form, this could look like Relationship OCD.

Attachment insecurity could play into your tendency to compare your relationship. If you have attachment anxiety, you might be looking for relationship validation and reassurance through comparison. If you have attachment avoidance, looking for negatives in other relationships could feel affirming for yours – alternatively, if you’re feeling the drive to create distance, you might be looking for reasons to evaluate your own relationship negatively.

How Social Comparison Ruins Relationships

If comparing yourself to people you’re close to is deteriorating your self-worth and causing resentment to build, your relationships can start to suffer too. Usually both parties play a role in relationship conflict, but if the problem comes from social comparison, the negative feelings might be one-sided. Changes in your behavior could be confusing for the people affected by it, and your loved ones might withdraw from the relationship if they pick up on your negative feelings around them.

If this sounds familiar, the good news is that you can stop the process by changing your approach to social comparison.

How to Manage Social Comparison

First of all, remember to approach stopping social comparison with self-compassion – social comparison is a natural behavior that your brain is wired for, and this wiring might be implicated if you’re struggling with social comparison. The amazing thing about our brains is that this wiring doesn’t just influence us, but we can influence it by consciously changing our behavior.

This is why awareness is the first step – you can’t consciously change the behavior if you’re not aware of it, so you’re already on your way. Next, try to identify the thoughts associated with social comparison. Reflective practices like journaling can help with this.

If you would like support on your social comparison journey, a qualified mental health practitioner can help guide you where you want to go.

Cognitive Approach: How to Reframe Social Comparison

When you’re able to identify negative thoughts relating to social comparison, try to consciously reassess your thoughts. Given the gymnastics example, you might catch yourself thinking, “my friend is so much better than me, I don’t work hard enough.” Think about how you might reframe this, for example: “my friend is scoring higher than me, but they’ve been doing this much longer.”, or “my friend scores higher than me often. I should ask them if they’re training differently, maybe they have some tips for me.”

Notice how in both examples, the subjective “my friend is better” is reframed by the objective “my friend is scoring higher” – focusing on the observable truth rather than personal judgements. How you choose to reframe can depend on your unique situation and goals. If you want to improve, you might focus on a growth mindset and motivation. If you just want to stop comparing yourself, it can help to focus on reasons why the other person isn’t in the same comparison group as you.

Attachment-Based Approach: Building Attachment Security

If you think your difficulties with social comparison are related to your attachment style, then working towards a more secure attachment style can help. This could be particularly helpful if your social comparison struggles are related to your relationship and comparing you and your partner to other couples.

To find out more about your attachment style, take our free attachment quiz and get a personalized attachment style report.

DISCOVER YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE

Conclusions

Social comparison is a natural behavior that motivates us to achieve our goals, but it can become problematic if we’re regularly suffering the negative emotions associated with it. Social media makes it difficult to avoid excessive social comparison, and studies have linked this with attachment insecurity.

Struggling with social comparison can affect your relationships with others, and you might be more likely to find it difficult if someone you’re close to succeeds in something that’s important to you too.

The good news is that your neurological wiring isn’t set in stone, so there are things you can do to override the effects of social comparison. Cognitive reframing or attachment-based work could help – whichever approach you choose, a qualified mental health practitioner can support you.

FAQs About Social Comparison

What are the three types of social comparison?

The three types of social comparison are upward (comparing to people you perceive as more successful), downward (comparing to people you perceive as less successful), and lateral (comparing to people you perceive as equal to you).

What is the difference between upward and downward social comparison?

Upward social comparison is when you compare yourself to people you think are doing better than you, and can result in negative self-appraisal. Downward social comparison is when you compare yourself to people you think are doing worse than you, and can result in feeling more satisfied with yourself.

How common is social comparison?

Everyone engages in social comparison – it’s a natural behavior adapted to motivate us to achieve the things we want. However, not everybody struggles with excessive social comparison and its negative effects.

Is social comparison always bad?

Social comparison isn’t always bad. It motivates us to get what we want, and a growth mindset can result in positive outcomes. Further, downward or lateral social comparison can feel positive. However, constant upward comparison when you don’t feel motivated or capable of achieving what you’re comparing to can be problematic.

What is one of the main functions of social comparison?

Social comparison functions to motivate us towards achieving things we want.

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