10 Trauma Bonding Signs: How to Recognize a Trauma Bond and Protect Yourself

Recognizing trauma bonding signs can help people identify whether they are trapped in an abusive relationship – and if they need to break a trauma bond and seek support.

If you need to shut this article down quickly, you can do so using the following shortcuts:

Windows or Linux: Ctrl + W or Ctrl + F4
Mac: ⌘ + W

Trauma bonds are an unhealthy emotional connection to someone who inflicts emotional or psychological harm. This attachment causes the target of the abuse considerable psychological harm, as they are isolated, devalued, shamed, and sometimes physically abused within the relationship.

This article briefly explains what trauma bonding is before including the most common signs of trauma bonding. Plus, if you need more information, we also have articles on the 7 stages of trauma bonding, how to break free from a trauma bond, and the symptoms of trauma bond withdrawal.

A Brief Introduction to Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding is when we form an unhealthy emotional attachment or connection to someone who causes us emotional or physical harm. In other words, we can form trauma bonds in abusive dynamics.

It’s important to note that not everyone who experiences abuse forms a trauma bond. However, some people may be more susceptible to trauma bonding due to their early experiences. If you would like to understand more about how and why a trauma bond can happen, our article on The 7 Stages of Trauma Bonding can help.

Trauma bonding can happen over any period of time–from a matter of days to weeks, months, and years. Furthermore, this bond can also happen out of someone’s consciousness: it tends to develop when we rationalize or empathize with the perpetrator of the abuse.

Therefore, due to how the trauma bond often occurs outside of a target’s awareness, it’s important to recognize the trauma bond signs as the first step in understanding how to break free.

Furthermore, if you would like to understand more about how to escape this dynamic, our article on Breaking a Trauma Bond can help.

The 10 Most Common Trauma Bonding Signs

The signs of a trauma bond may differ depending on the stage the bond is at. For example, at the early stages, only love bombing and dependence building may be evident. However, at a later stage, a target of abuse may experience all of the following signs.

1. 1. You experience a cycle of love bombing and maltreatment

   As can be seen in our article on the stages of trauma bonding, a trauma bond doesn’t “just happen” overnight. The abuser goes through phases of showering the target with attention, affection, and words of praise. The target may be told that “there’s no one else like you” and “you’re perfect.” This sign of trauma bonding is known as love bombing and it’s a form of coercive control and manipulation.

   However, once trust and dependence have been forged through love bombing, the abuser starts to devalue the target of their abuse. They may gaslight the target by making them doubt the validity of their thoughts and feelings, as well as criticize them. Whereas once, the target felt they could “do no wrong,” now, they can “do no right.” This leaves the target of the abuse craving the validation they once received and wondering what they did to cause this change.

2. 2. You feel ashamed or guilty a lot of the time

   In your relationship, every action and boundary you make is methodically broken down into why you’re “selfish,” “wrong,” or “stupid.” Your needs may be disregarded consistently because they’re trivial or “too demanding,” and your social life might have become non-existent because “Only I care about your best interests.” In all, a trauma bond is forged because the abuser systematically breaks down your self-esteem and identity until you feel ashamed and guilty for being yourself.

   Additionally, deep down you may recognize the abuse for what it is, but you might be too ashamed to tell your loved ones for fear of what they might think of you. Combined with an abuser’s attempt to isolate you socially, these feelings of shame are further compounded.

3. 3. You cover up or lie about any mistreatment

   According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, domestic abuse survivors reported that their abusive partners were “perfect” approximately 90% of the time. They only revealed a problem in the relationship roughly 10% of the time. This level of reporting may be due to how the abuser in trauma bonding love-bombs the target, and over time creates an internal template that they are to blame.

   Furthermore, considering how the affectionate stages of the cycle become somewhat of an addiction, targets of abuse crave a return to these stages and make excuses for unhealthy behaviors. Doing so may sound like, “They never normally do this,” or “It’s not their fault, I made them angry.”

4. 4. You’re hypervigilant towards threats

   Healthy relationships are consistent and comfortable; each partner has a natural yin and yang of behaviors. In contrast, trauma bond dynamics are unpredictable. What pleases an abuser on one occasion may cause anger and mistreatment on another. This leads to a feeling of “walking on eggshells” and fears around setting this person “off.”

   Targets of abuse, therefore, become hypervigilant towards threats to their wellbeing; they’re on high alert at all times and find relaxing close to impossible. Date nights, vacations, and downtime may seem pleasant momentarily. However, repeating experiences within the trauma bond has taught the target that a pleasant mood can quickly shift to an unpleasant or abusive situation.

5. 5. You’ve been isolated from friends and family

   An abuser will isolate a target from friends and family as a way to further compound dependence and control. This way, loved ones can’t intervene by voicing their opinions or concerns.

   Furthermore, towards the latter, more compounded stages of trauma bonding, the victim is more likely to lose their sense of self when they no longer have anyone but the abuser to turn to for support.

6. 6. Deep down, you don’t actually like this person

   At the start of the relationship, being love-bombed and validated constantly can create feelings of emotional dependence and infatuation. However, if you pause and think about this person, you might realize that you don’t actually like them. Ultimately, feeling consistently devalued and unsafe expressing your thoughts and emotions are key signs of dislike.

   This dislike may become particularly evident when the abuser attempts to be physically intimate, as you may experience physical symptoms such as nausea or as though your skin is crawling.

7. 7. You’re losing yourself in the relationship

   It’s common to lose your sense of self in a trauma bond. This happens due to being shamed for expressing your feelings and thoughts, feeling isolated from friends and family, and being removed from activities you engaged in prior to the relationship.

   Plus, to regain an abuser’s approval and affection, targets may start to match their interests and mimic their thoughts in attempts to please them or stop them from becoming abusive or angry.

8. 8. It’s incredibly difficult to leave the relationship

   Due to an emotional addiction to the “good times,” being isolated from social support circles, and often relying financially on the abuser, it can be very difficult to leave a trauma bond relationship.

   Furthermore, if the abuser senses that you’re thinking of leaving, they can quickly return to a short-lived period of love-bombing – keeping you trapped in the cycle. Even though it’s difficult, it’s important to break free, as the cycle of abuse will continue and potentially even worsen. It’s good to be aware of the signs of trauma bond withdrawal to help avoid reentering a trauma bond dynamic.

1. 9. The Abuser “Hoovers” the Target

   If the target of abuse attempts to leave the trauma bond dynamic, the abuser may attempt to reclaim control by going to any extreme possible to reinstate the relationship. Known as “hoovering” – after the vacuum cleaner – the abuser will seek, pester, and con the target. The reason why such behavior is referred to as hoovering is because the abuser is “sucking up” the target’s chances at happiness, thus, restoring psychological distress.

   Furthermore, if the target reenters the relationship, they may be showered with affection and praise – love bombing – again, but this period is short-lived. Soon, the cycle of devaluation and abuse returns.

10. 10. Constantly thinking about them when the relationship ends

    Regardless of whether an abuser was a romantic partner, family member, friend, or colleague – it’s common to think about them consistently even after the relationship ends. Ultimately, the trauma bond keeps you emotionally connected to this person, so you may worry, obsess, and crave their attention. Support from professionals and loved ones is important during this time.

    Furthermore, even after the relationship ends, the bond forged may still cause you to feel anxious about and compelled to help them.

Final Words on How to Recognize Trauma Bonding Signs and Break Free

Paying attention to the signs of trauma bonding identified within this article may help you recognize if you’re trapped in an abusive relationship. Furthermore, the signs of trauma bonding can also be dependent on the stages of trauma bonding someone finds themselves in at a specific time. If you’d like more information on these stages, our article The 7 Stages of Trauma Bonding can help.

If you suspect you are trapped in a trauma bond, it’s important to seek support. This support may come from loved ones, but as many people in a trauma bond have been socially isolated, you may prefer to work with a licensed mental health professional. Such professionals can help you understand why this bond formed and help you overcome the negative psychological ramifications of it.

If you would also like more practical advice on how to break free from a trauma bond, our article How to Break a Trauma Bond can help. Additionally, it’s important to be aware of the symptoms of trauma bond withdrawal so that you’re prepared if this is something you experience.

In the interim, it may be wise to create an escape plan for when you find yourself in an abusive situation. For example, research a place you can stay (such as a women’s shelter), have a bag of essentials packed, try to store away some money, and keep a list of phone numbers (such as for cabs/taxis) handy to you.