The 7 Stages of Trauma Bonding

The 7 stages of trauma bonding can help people caught in a trauma bond relationship identify how an abuser forges trust, dependence, and control. This increased understanding can help someone in a trauma bond relationship take the first step towards breaking free.

A trauma bond is a psychological connection between an abuser and the target of their abuse. Such a connection – or attachment – is forged through a set of repeating stages or cycles of behaviors in which the target is positively reinforced to stay within the relationship.

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Due to the positive stages and insidious nature of a trauma bond, it can be difficult for the target of abuse to identify.

Furthermore, trauma bonds can happen in any form of relationship: romantic, familial, friendship, and even workplace. However, it is most commonly associated with romantic relationships, especially if this relationship involves narcissism.

To help you understand how a trauma bond develops, this article covers:

• What trauma bonding is
• Why trauma bonding happens
• The 7 stages of trauma bonding, including:
  • Stage 1: Love Bombing
  • Stage 2: Trust and Dependence
  • Stage 3: Criticism and Devaluation
  • Stage 4: Manipulation and Gaslighting
  • Stage 5: Resignation and Giving Up
  • Stage 6: Loss of Self
  • Stage 7: Emotional Addiction to the Trauma Bond Cycle
• Final words on the stages of trauma bonding

What Is Trauma Bonding?

Trauma bonding as a theory was devised by Dr. Patrick Carnes in 1997 to conceptualize the relationship that sometimes forms between an abuser and the abused (which we will refer to from here on as the “target”).

Usually, in relationships, “bonding” has a positive interpretation – it means we’re truly connecting with another person on a deep, emotional level.

In contrast, trauma bonding is a psychological response to abuse. The target of the abuse typically develops sympathy for the abuser due to the cycles of affection and maltreatment they endure. As a result, the target forms a connection or attachment with their abuser and is reinforced to stay within the relationship.

Why Does Trauma Bonding Happen?

Research on the causes of a trauma bond is still in its early stages. However, one of the core reasons for the actions of the abuser is considered to be the need for power – which is highly attributed to narcissistic personality traits.

Additionally, another factor believed to be associated with the formation of a trauma bond is an unhealthy attachment. Similar to how someone develops an insecure attachment style, someone may develop a trauma bond because they are reliant on their abuser to fulfill their emotional needs. The target becomes emotionally dependent on their abuser.

Consider, for example, a caregiver-child dynamic in which the caregiver acts abusively towards the child. The child instinctively understands that their primary caregiver is their main source of love, safety, and protection. Therefore, if the caregiver mistreats the child, the child misconstrues safety and love with abusive behaviors. Not having any other template for how relationships work, the child misinterprets this relationship as “normal.”

Therefore, as adults, someone with similarly unstable formative years may confuse the trauma bond for how normal relationships work.

If you don’t yet know your attachment style and wonder whether it could be feeding into your adult relationship dynamics, take our Attachment Styles Quiz and receive a free report.

It’s important to recognize that a trauma bond doesn’t develop overnight. It is a phased process in which the abuser develops trust, dependence, and control. Let’s now consider each of these stages.

The Stages of Trauma Bonding

The trauma bonding dynamic has been broken down into individual stages to help people understand and identify whether they are trapped in an abusive relationship. This framework can assist in breaking free from a trauma bond.

The 7 stages of trauma bonding are as follows:

1. Stage One: Love Bombing

Love bombing is a coercive, manipulative tactic used to swiftly gain dependence and trust in a relationship. It involves excessive, over-the-top displays of affection and flattery in attempts to forge a “we” in a relationship.

Love bombing is commonly associated with people who exhibit traits of a narcissistic personality disorder, but is not limited to such people. In some cases, the perpetrator of love bombing does not realize they are acting in such tactical ways, but this is typically not the case in trauma bond relationships.

In a trauma bond, love bombing sets the groundwork for abuse by:

• Lowering the abused person’s guards
• Facilitating trust in the abuser
• Enabling the abuser to prey on the abused needs, desires, and dreams
• Showing that the abuser has positive intentions
• Providing a false sense of security
• Creating a sense of dependence on the abuser

2. Stage Two: Trust and Dependency

The second stage of the trauma bond happens when love bombing creates a deep foundation of trust and dependence on behalf of the target for the abuser. The abuser has, at this point, created dependence through constant affection and validation. This dependence facilitates the abuser to have control over the other person’s decisions and actions.

During stage two, if the target questions the abuser’s intentions, the abuser will make the target feel guilty for doubting them. In some circumstances, the abuser will even purposefully test the target’s faithfulness to them.

3. Stage Three: Criticism and Devaluation

Once the abuser has created a stable sense of trust and dependency, they start shifting their demeanor into abusive behaviors. Whereas the abuser once constantly complimented their target, they now criticize them, pointing out problematic qualities and making them feel insignificant and devalued.

The target of the abuse, used to feeling praised and admired, now yearns for the approval they once had. They try to gain back the abuser’s affection, but the abuser keeps pushing the goalposts further and further. The change in the relationship is highly painful and confusing for the target, but they have been primed to trust in the abuser so they believe they are at fault. The target enters into a dance of receiving blame and continuing to apologize for their wrongdoings. This dance further compounds the trauma bond.

4. Stage Four: Manipulation and Gaslighting

As the target of the abuse becomes more entrenched in the trauma bond, the abuser ups the ante into gaslighting and manipulative behavior. As our article on gaslighting explains, this behavior is a form of abuse in which the abuser makes the target doubt their sense of perception, memories, reality, and self.

The abuser pushes the target to breaking point, which makes the target even more dependent and compliant in the relationship. At this stage, the target is less likely to challenge the abuse. However, if they do, they risk the abuser engaging in reactive abuse; when the abuser claims the target was, in fact, abusive towards them. Reactive abuse allows the abuser even more control as they have something to hold over the target’s head.

Gaslighting is commonly seen in narcissistic, sociopathic, and psychopathic personalities.

5. Stage Five: Resignation and Giving Up

By stage five, the target of the abuse feels emotionally exhausted and may experience a form of relationship burnout that depletes their capacity to resist. This exhaustion forces them into resignation and acceptance of the trauma bond; their emotional reserves are too depleted to challenge the abuser’s actions.

The target becomes increasingly dependent on the abuser, emotionally or financially. Although they are usually aware of the abuse, their self-esteem is now at an all-time low and they see no option for an exit strategy. Furthermore, they may even fear for their safety if they try to leave. In such situations, it’s not uncommon for the target to commit to marriage or having children.

6. Stage Six: Loss of Self

After prolonged gaslighting, manipulation, and other forms of abuse, the target often loses a sense of who they are as a person. Instead, constantly being belittled, and made to feel crazy, worthless, and inadequate, leads them to lose any boundaries they once had.

The target may now feel in constant emotional distress and disconnected from who they once were. They are even more deeply involved in the trauma bond than ever because they cannot imagine immersing themselves in the world they once knew. During the loss of self stage, it is important to be aware of the signs of suicidal ideation.

7. Stage Seven: Emotional Addiction to the Trauma Bond Cycle

The trauma bond cycle is often characterized by a loop of affectionate and abusive behaviors: After a phase of abuse, the abuser may shower the target with love and affection. Being validated again creates an addiction within the target–they crave the affection the abuser offers.

Once the abuser withdraws affection, the target will do anything to regain their love. The target is now conditioned to endure abuse to regain positive reinforcement. They may even believe that they have a sense of control over their abuser’s actions, as they know that apologizing and acting meek will gain their abuser’s approval. At this point, leaving the abusive relationship is even more of a challenge as the target is committed to the idea that they are to blame.

Final Thoughts on the Trauma Bonding Stages

A trauma bond is a psychological attachment to someone who inflicts emotional or physical harm on a target. A trauma bond can happen in any type of relationship, but is most commonly associated with romantic partnerships.

It’s important to recognize that trauma bonding is not an overnight process – it is an insidious manipulation of thoughts, feelings, and actions over time. Furthermore, trauma bonding is a phased technique in which the abuser first facilitates trust and dependence, so it can be difficult to spot in the early stages.

As a final note, although it can be difficult recognize a trauma bond, it is entirely possible to break free fro. Our article on breaking a trauma bond can help you if this is something you need to do. Plus, it’s good to be aware of the signs of trauma bond withdrawal to help prevent reentering an abusive relationship.