Trauma Reenactment:
Repeating Attachment Insecurity in Adult Relationships
Trauma Reenactment:
Repeating Attachment Insecurity in Adult Relationships
Our lack of success in relationships might not just be the result of bad luck–it may be to do with our attachment styles and trauma reenactment.
Have you ever thought, “Here we go again”, in your adult relationships? Like the same problems raise their heads again and again, and you’re not in control of how your relationships play out because they always end in the same way? If this is the case for you, you may be experiencing trauma reenactment as a result of your insecure attachment style.
Trauma reenactment, also known as repetition compulsion, is when we seek out relationships that resemble the dynamics we had with our caregivers. It’s an often subconscious attempt to rewrite our history and meet the needs that were left unmet as children: We’re trying to break the loop of insecure attachment, but the same destructive patterns often emerge.
Healing the cycle of attachment trauma can be challenging as everybody’s circumstances are unique and individual; however, it is entirely possible to break the loop. To help you do so, this article covers:
- What trauma reenactment is
- Why we repeat childhood trauma in our adult lives
- The role of insecure attachment in trauma reenactment
- Symptoms of trauma reenactment
- How to stop repeating trauma
Do you know your attachment style?
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What Is Trauma Reenactment?
Trauma reenactment, often known as repetition compulsion, was defined by Freud as the innate drive to recreate an event, over and over. And, due to our desire for different results, these events are often the most painful situations or events from our childhood. Freud commented that people who do not clearly remember previous trauma are “obliged to repeat the repressed material as a contemporary experience, instead of…remembering it as something belonging to the past.”
As children, we model our behavior and ways of responding to distress from how our parents act. Therefore, if we grew up in environments in which trauma was normalized and part of our “day-to-day” experiences, we became primed to respond to it maladaptively or with dysfunctional behavior because we were taught that this was the healthy way to react. This way of responding maladaptively to trauma or stress extended to all areas of our lives, from romantic relationships to self-attitudes, friendships, and even career success.
Aside from how we reenact trauma through our own behaviors, we are also compelled to choose partners who replicate the conditions of our early childhood bonds. According to trauma specialist Bessel van der Kolk, we create “strong emotional ties with people who intermittently harass, beat, and threaten [us]. The persistence of these attachment bonds leads to confusion of pain and love.” Although this may be an extreme example, it does demonstrate how the ways in which we were shown love and affection will continue to influence our choices of partners in adulthood.
But why do we repeat traumatic experiences in our adult lives? Why are we both psychologically and physiologically primed to reenact the most painful experiences in our lives?
Why Do We Repeat Trauma?
Learning is essentially about connection, and we don’t just mean connection with others (although this is a factor). Instead, we mean the connections in our brain: Our neurons transmit information to each other through signals sent via synapses and therefore form a connected set of neural networks. This is what is meant by the saying “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” Our early years, between birth and approximately three years of age, are when most of these connections form. Therefore, when we learn a pattern of behavior during this period, it’s very difficult to unlearn it as it is hardwired in our brains. Plus, when experiences are repeated throughout our childhood, this strengthens these connections.
Another major theory regarding why we tend to reenact trauma involves an innate need to achieve mastery, or, in other words, finally feeling accomplished and successful at a certain task. For example, if our early attempts to achieve emotional closeness were rejected or responded to inconsistently, we may feel driven to recreate these scenarios in our adult relationships so that we can rewrite history and finally achieve success in having our need for closeness met.
Finally, there is the theory of rigid defense mechanisms and their role in trauma reenactment. As a result of childhood trauma, we’re so fearful of the return to the traumatic state that we create rigid and inflexible defenses to prevent it. However, these very defenses can cause trauma reenactment because they often lead to the very problem that we’re attempting to avoid. For example, if someone were to attempt to prevent feeling abandoned in their adult life, they may have the defense mechanism of fostering codependence in relationships–which ultimately can push their loved ones away and lead to reexperiencing the very trauma they were attempting to avoid.
Insecure Attachment and Trauma Reenactment
Our attachment style is based on the relationship we formed with our primary caregiver(s) in the formative period of childhood–the first few years of life. If our caregiver consistently responded to our needs sensitively and tended to us warmly when distressed, we felt safe and secure in the world; we developed a secure attachment style.
In contrast, if our caregiver was misattuned to our needs, acted punitively when we were distressed or responded to our attempts at closeness with rejection, neglect, or abuse, we developed one of the insecure attachment styles: anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
As a result of insecure attachment, we may repeatedly seek out unhealthy relationships in adulthood, or respond to issues in relationships based on the way we responded to these issues as children–through withdrawal, avoidance, neediness, codependence, or a push-pull pattern of actions.
Reenacting attachment trauma ties into another theory of attachment–that of intergenerational transmission of trauma. Intergenerational (or transgenerational) transmission of trauma is when we subconsciously pass on our attachment style from generation to generation through our behaviors because we don’t know how to reach a resolution for the attachment wounds created in our early years.
The specific trauma we experienced, as well as our unique personalities and circumstances, lead us to reenact trauma in different ways. We will consider some forms of trauma reenactment before moving on to how to stop trauma reenactment from continuing in your life.
Types of Trauma Reenactment
Trauma reenactment or repetition compulsion can come in many different forms depending on our previous experiences. Some of the ways it can manifest in peoples’ actions include:
Reenacting relationships: This form of trauma reenactment involves selecting relationships that mimic the circumstances of past trauma. This might include choosing people who embody the traits of our caregivers–such as acting impulsive, withdrawn, or inconsistent–and hoping for a better outcome.
Repeating patterns of behaviors: This involves reenacting the same actions time and time again, either subconsciously or consciously, and reexperiencing the same traumatic feelings.
Replicating traumatic events: This compulsion involves repeating and reexperiencing the same forms of trauma, such as abusive situations or those in which our needs are rejected.
Repeating self-sabotaging actions: This form of trauma reenactment includes continuing to engage in negative self-attitudes and repeating the same destructive patterns again and again in relationships, leading to their dissolution.
Some people may engage in only one or two forms of trauma reenactment, while others may undertake them all. As mentioned previously, our unique experiences influence how we repeat trauma in our adult lives–but it’s important to recognize these patterns when attempting to achieve change.
How to Stop Trauma Reenactment
Breaking the patterns of trauma reenactment can be challenging–although there may be clear compulsive themes, how we repeat our past is dependent on our specific circumstances, attachment style, individual differences, and current situation. Nevertheless, steps such as the following can help you increase your self-awareness, reach a greater understanding of how your past is affecting your present, rewire the connections in your brain, and break the compulsive cycle of trauma reenactment.
Understand your attachment style
Establishing self-awareness through understanding your attachment style and how it leads to certain thoughts, self-attitudes, and patterns of behavior is a great way to prevent repetition compulsion and transgenerational transmission of attachment.
Break the “trauma reenactment triangle”
The trauma reenactment triangle (also known as the drama triangle), first introduced by Dr. Stephen Karpman, is often used to describe the role we play in trauma reenactment: victim, persecutor, or rescuer. Although these roles are distinct, they nevertheless represent the same mindset of blaming, entitlement, and helplessness. If you find yourself entering into a situation or relationship from a trauma reenactment role, try replacing blaming, entitlement, and helplessness with…
Accountability: Resist the temptation to assign blame to others and hold yourself accountable for your own feelings and actions. This also means holding others accountable for their behavior.
Responsibility: Acknowledge your reciprocal role in relationships and that you have the capacity to make things better, and challenge the feeling that others owe you anything.
Capability: Realize that you are capable of growing and changing as a person, and that you can apply this growth to your relationships.
Try Therapy
Therapy such as psychodynamic therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is the most effective way of preventing trauma reenactment, as it helps us to recognize these repeating patterns of behavior, where they come from, and how to create strategies for healthier emotional regulation and overall more fulfilling relationships.
Practice effective self-care
According to Bessel van der Kolk, trauma is stored in the body in the form of physical sensations. Therefore, self-care strategies that focus on the somatic sensations in your body can help you effectively cope with the negative self-attitudes and feelings that often lead to repetition compulsion. Deep breathing, listening to relaxing music, meditation, mindfulness, and exercise such as yoga are great ways to tune into the feelings in your body and regulate them before you’re compelled to act in certain ways.
Final Words on Insecure Attachment and Trauma Reenactment
Attachment trauma can affect our sense of safety, belonging, and who we are as people–so it’s understandable that many people wish to rewrite the script of their early childhood by trying to recreate the same conditions but, hopefully, with different results. However, even if we’re aware of how our childhood affects our perceptions, it’s difficult to break established patterns if we’re struggling to see the wood from the trees: Our patterns may be too ingrained for us to clearly understand how to break them.
Healing the hurt caused by attachment wounds may take time, but it is entirely possible to do so. Through steps such as understanding the role of your attachment style, breaking the drama triangle, trying therapy, and practicing effective self-care, you can feel more empowered and in control of the trajectory of your relationships and your future.
“Trauma is a fact of life. It does not, however, have to be a life sentence.”
– Peter A. Levine
Freud, S. (1920). Beyond the Pleasure Principle. Translated and edited by Strachey, J. (1961), New York: WW Norton.
Karpman, S. (1968). Fairy tales and script drama analysis. Transactional Analysis Bulletin, 26(7), 39–43.
Levy, M. S. (1998). A Helpful Way to Conceptualize and Understand Reenactments. The Journal of Psychotherapy Practice and Research, 7(3), 227-235.
Van der Kolk, B. (1987). The psychological consequences of overwhelming life experiences, in Psychological Trauma, Washington, DC, American Psychiatric Press, 1–30.
Van der Kolk, B. (1989). The compulsion to repeat the trauma: Reenactment, revictimization, and masochism. The Psychiatric Clinics of North America (12)2, 389-411.
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