Attracting a Partner With a Secure Attachment Style

Attracting a secure partner, even if you have an insecure attachment style, is entirely possible. It just helps to know the signs of secure attachment and understand how to work towards becoming more securely attached in your own life first.

When looking for a partner, we may think about looks, personality, and sense of humor first and foremost. But what about high self-esteem, a history of long-term friendships, and resiliency in difficult situations? 

It seems as though we assign less importance to the latter traits. Yet, they may be the key to long-lasting, satisfying relationships. They are all characteristics of a secure attachment style and signs to look out for if you’re trying to attract a secure partner. But, bear in mind, one of the best ways to attract a securely attached partner is to work towards more attachment in yourself.

Whether you’re working towards earning secure attachment or are already firmly securely attached, you can attract a securely attached partner in various ways. 

To help answer any questions you may have on attracting a secure partner, this article will cover:

• Signs of secure attachment in adults
• Indicators of a secure attachment style in romantic relationships
• Ways to attract a secure partner

Signs of Secure Attachment Style in Adults

Secure attachment refers to a caregiver-child relationship where the child feels comfortable, safe, and cared for. Adults with a secure attachment likely felt like their caregiver was emotionally available and consistently reliable when they were a child. 

Evidence suggests that the caregiver-child relationship significantly impacts how we see ourselves, others, and the world. Securely attached adults typically internalize messages like “I am good enough,” “All emotions are acceptable,” and “I can overcome difficulties” from their primary caregiver’s responsiveness to their needs. 

Due to how their needs were met, there are some key signs that may help identify a securely attached adult:

• A positive sense of self: a secure attacher has a firm grasp of their strengths and difficulties, a strong understanding of their needs, realistic expectations of themself, and a healthy relationship with themself. 
• Emotional understanding and availability: secure attachers can have deep, meaningful conversations about emotions and comfort others when they are experiencing emotional troubles. 
• Strong conflict management skills: someone with a secure attachment can problem-solve and manage their stress. They can also communicate effectively in situations involving conflict without becoming overwhelmed or defensive. 
• Secure relationships with others: a secure attacher usually has healthy, long-term relationships with friends, family members, and colleagues based on mutual respect and kindness. 

To learn more about the signs of secure attachment, check out our article on secure attachment from childhood to adulthood.

How to Identify a Secure Attachment Style in Relationships

More often than not, we carry expectations based on our childhood relationships into our adult ones. Because of this, we generally treat our partners and expect them to treat us similarly to how our caregivers acted toward us. 

Suppose your caregiver was warm, nurturing, and trusting of you, encouraging your independence but always there for you when you needed them. In that case, you would likely expect the same from your romantic partner. 

Some key signs that indicate someone has a secure attachment style in relationships are:

• Honesty and openness: they are able to communicate openly and honestly. They can also refrain from judgment and defensiveness, and listen as well as communicate.
• Trusting: secure attachment typically goes hand-in-hand with the belief that you are worthy of love. People with this style also believe that others can be trusted and depended on.  
• Emotional vulnerability: secure attachers are transparent about fears, desires, and insecurities. They have faith that their partner will respect these factors.  
• Consistent support and warmth: securely attached adults learned early on that loved ones are warm and supportive. Therefore, they will likely mimic these traits in a romantic relationship.
• Healthy boundaries: a secure partner typically knows their boundaries and respects yours, acknowledging that “no” means “no.”

Someone with a secure attachment style may show a high level of interest and curiosity in you during the dating stage. They will likely ask you questions about yourself and support you through all your emotions, not just the “good” ones.

How to Attract a Secure Partner

When looking at married and dating couples, securely attached people typically prefer other secure attachers – and often end up together. In fact, evidence demonstrates that around 75 to 85% of securely attachers become involved with secure partners. 

This finding isn’t entirely surprising when we consider how we choose relationships. Most – if not all – of us are attracted to people similar to us. We often look for someone who shares the same beliefs and feelings as we do. These beliefs aren’t just about the world, but also our views on closeness, intimacy, and whether we can depend on others. 

Therefore, developing a secure attachment style can help you attract a secure partner, as you will share similarities in your wants, needs, and emotional availability. 

But don’t worry if you’re still in the process of earning attachment security. Evidence shows that people with a secure attachment style are compatible with every attachment type. Securely attached people tend to become the emotional “rock” for their insecurely attached partners and, in doing so, can help them become more securely attached. 

To start to attract secure partners, try working on these secure attachment characteristics:

• Self-awareness
• Self-worth
• Self-esteem
• Emotional availability

You can even do as much by “dating yourself.” Doing so involves treating yourself how you want your partner to treat you, and working on becoming emotionally vulnerable.

Date Yourself

The prospect of “dating yourself” may sound a little silly. However, when you date someone, you spend time with, accept, and get to know them. If you come across issues, you try your best to resolve them. 

When you “date yourself,” you engage in all these behaviors but focus them inwards. You spend time on yourself, accept yourself, and get to know yourself better. When you face difficulties, you figure out the best way to manage these on your own. In essence, “dating yourself” is an exercise in self-awareness.

These are all important aspects of forming a positive relationship with yourself and will help you to attract a secure partner. Boosting self-awareness will also benefit you once you’re in a relationship – evidence demonstrates that self-awareness leads to happier, healthier relationships.

Treat Yourself How You Want Your Partner to Treat You

Our self-esteem and sense of self-worth determine the treatment we accept from our romantic partners. Therefore, if you want to attract a secure partner who will treat you with respect, kindness, and empathy, you need to start treating yourself that way. 

Similarly to working on your self-awareness, improving your self-esteem often leads to greater relationship satisfaction. Therefore, if you start to value yourself and treat yourself right, you’ll become more content with your partner once you enter a relationship. 

To identify how you want your partner to treat you (and, ultimately, how you need to treat yourself), ask yourself, “what do consistency, empathy, patience, and self-compassion look like?” Consistency could look like keeping promises to yourself, while empathy might be refraining from judging yourself. You could practice patience by not expecting perfection from yourself and kindness through positive self-talk. 

Some other ways to “treat yourself right” are:

• Becoming more mindful
• Listening to what your body and mind need (exercise, healthy diet, relaxation, sleep, etc.)
• Stopping comparing yourself to others

Work On Being Emotionally Vulnerable

Emotional unavailability typically arises from a fear of intimacy or rejection, which may occur due to insecure early attachment relationships. 

People who struggle with emotional vulnerability don’t often do so out of choice. They may have learned this behavior from an emotionally unavailable primary caregiver. Or, alternatively, because they couldn’t depend on their caregiver to attend to their needs when they were a child. 

Emotional vulnerability is essential in a secure relationship, as it enables closeness, intimacy, and trust to blossom. Without emotional vulnerability, partners may feel distant, disconnected, and, eventually, resentful. 

Part of becoming emotionally vulnerable is processing any past traumas. Processing trauma means connecting with the thoughts, emotions, and lessons you’ve learned about yourself, others, and the world due to your emotionally challenging experiences. 

Uncovering these thoughts and feelings allows you to move past them. For example, let’s say you learned “other people aren’t trustworthy.” Identifying that trauma is causing this belief can help you transform it into “I can trust some people.” 

Working through past traumas and becoming more emotionally vulnerable can help you form a secure, intimate relationship with a securely attached partner. 

Final Word on Attracting a Secure Partner

All of us want to feel safe and secure in our romantic relationships. One way to achieve this is by finding a securely attached partner who can approach a relationship with kindness, care, and empathy.

However, it’s not always easy to find a secure partner. Who we attract may depend on our attachment style. Humans naturally seek romantic relationships with people similar to them. So, becoming more securely attached increases your likelihood of attracting a secure partner.

The bottom line of finding a secure partner is improving your relationship with yourself so that you can emit confidence, positive self-esteem, and emotional security. Once you do this, a secure partner may well find you!

References

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Kirkpatrick, L. A., & Davis, K. E. (1994). Attachment style, gender, and relationship stability: a longitudinal analysis. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 66(3), 502–512. 

Meyer, B., & Pilkonis, P. A. (2001). Attachment style. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice, Training. Psychotherapy, 38(4), 466–472.

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