Insecure Attachment Styles: From Childhood to Adulthood

An insecure attachment style is characterized by difficulties in relationships and maladaptive beliefs about the self and others.

Insecure attachment styles typically form in early childhood as a result of the caregiver-child bond. In essence, how a child perceives their needs to be responded to and met by their caregiver(s) forms an internal working model of relationships and themselves. This mental representation of relationships continues to shape our interpretations of relationships as we develop into adulthood.

If you’re wondering what insecure attachment is, how it develops in childhood, and how attachment insecurity continues to affect us as adults, this article contains all the information you need.

Understanding Insecure Attachment Theory

Attachment theory is a model of socio-emotional development which originated initially from the work of John Bowlby in the 1950s, as he posited that emotional problems cannot be solely attributed to internal processes. Instead, Bowlby proposed that how a child interacts with their environment in their early years – and specifically the caregiver-child bond – affects a child’s emotional health and development. Mary Ainsworth expanded on the model, especially with her contributions to the categorizations of the attachment styles, which were originally known as secure, resistant, and avoidant. Mary Main, a PhD student of Ainsworths, noted a distinct category of children who didn’t fit within these previous classifications, hence another category was devised – the disorganized attachment style.

Although the core constructs of attachment theory were formed between the 50s and 70s, the field of attachment continues to expand every day through social, neurological, and psychological research.

Types of Insecure Attachment Styles

The insecure attachment styles are currently classified as:

In general, attachment styles are seen as a spectrum or dimensions:

• Secure attachment is low on avoidance and anxiety
• Anxious attachment is high on the dimension of anxiety and low on avoidance
• Avoidant attachment is high on the the dimension of avoidance and low on anxiety
• Disorganized/fearful-avoidant is high on the dimensions of both anxiety and avoidance

How Insecure Attachment Styles Form in Childhood

Attachment styles develop as a response to the bond we form with our primary caregiver(s) during the main formative period of childhood (typically the first eighteen months to two years of life). Through how parents or caregivers meet their child’s needs, the child forms an internal working model of relationships, including expectations about the world and the people in it.
Secure attachment develops when a child perceives their caregiver to be sensitive and attuned to their needs. As a result, they feel validated, supported, loved, and safe to explore their environment with their safe base (their caregiver) nearby.

In contrast, an insecure attachment style can form when a child perceives their needs to be rejected or inconsistently met – or in chaotic situations in which they feel fear. We’ll discuss the varying circumstances which lead to insecure attachment next.

What Causes Insecure Attachment?

Insecure attachment can develop under the following conditions during the formative period of development (up to the first two years of life).

Anxious attachment: The child perceives their needs to be met inconsistently 

The manner in which the child’s needs are met leads them to feel like there’s an incoherence; sometimes their caregivers are responsive and attuned, and sometimes they’re absent or punitive. This inconsistency can be confusing for the child, as they end up feeling that their caregivers are ultimately unreliable. To maintain proximity to their caregiver, their attachment system becomes overactive, leading to emotional outbursts and clingy behaviors.

Avoidant attachment: The child perceives their needs to be rejected

The child feels that their needs, particularly emotional ones, are being rejected or ignored. They may feel that they are not appreciated or understood for who they are. To maintain proximity to caregivers, they shut down their attachment system and develop a premature sense of self-reliance.

Disorganized attachment: The child feels fear

This sense of fear can come from alarm-inducing situations, such as traumatic events (for example, a caregiver acting chaotically). However, a sense of fear can also arise from situations that induce feelings of rejection or neglect, or ones that result in the feeling of being unloved or unprotected.

Due to the unique circumstances that lead to the development of the types of insecure attachment, each style leads to specific characteristics in children.

Signs of Insecure Attachment in Children and Toddlers

The Strange Situation experiment allowed for researchers (and subsequent professionals) to identify specific characteristics and patterns of behaviors in children with different insecure attachment styles.

These behaviors or characteristics are coping strategies designed to manage the emotions around the core beliefs and internal working models that these styles lead to.

The signs of anxious-ambivalent attachment in children

• Hyperactive attachment system; high levels of dependence on caregivers, seeking proximity, reassurance, and attention even in situations in which they should feel safe
• Separation anxiety, displaying distress when parting from caregiver and becoming difficult to soothe
• Resistance to soothing from caregiver on their return after separation, sometimes displaying ambivalence instead of affection – inconsistent behaviors due to lack of awareness of when and how needs will be met
• High sensitivity towards caregivers’ emotional states, searching for risks of separation, emotional distance, or disapproval
• Reluctance to leave the proximity of their caregiver, so may not explore their environment or engage in social interactions with other children
• High dependence on attachment figures outside of caregivers, such as clingy behaviors with teachers, babysitters, and so on
• Constant monitoring of the whereabouts of attachment figures/caregivers
• Emotional dysregulation when it’s perceived that attachment needs aren’t met, such as outbursts of anger, frustration, and distress. These reactions typically seem disproportionate to the situation that trigger them
• Difficulties with transitions, including changes to their routine, such as starting school, moving up a grade, or moving home

The signs of anxious-avoidant attachment in children

• Underactive attachment system; showing emotional detachment from caregivers, seemingly disinterested or unconcerned about their caregivers’ proximity
• Lack of distress when separated from caregivers and resisting or avoiding contact on their return
• Self-reliance, such as emotional withdrawal, during times of distress
• Preference to avoid physical intimacy, such as cuddles, during moments which would typically require comforting
• Disproportionately high independence for age range – usually a defense mechanism as they expect rejection for expressing needs
• Suppression of emotions, positive or negative
• Preference to spend time alone and avoid social engagement with peers
• Difficulties with reciprocal play
• Problems with maintaining eye contact, especially during times of upset, reflecting discomfort with emotional intimacy
• High level of focus on tasks, usually as a strategy to avoid social interaction
• May be internally distressed, but maintains a facade of disinterest

The signs of disorganized attachment in children

• Inconsistent, confusing behaviors during interactions with caregivers – displaying a “push-pull” pattern, seeking comfort while simultaneously pushing intimacy away
• May seem fearful of caregivers, flinching, withdrawing, or cowering from them, especially during times of stress
• Engaging in the “freeze” response during times of stress, shutting down in response to perceived threat
• Extreme emotion dysregulation which seems disproportionate to the situation, such as outbursts of anger, frustration, distress, or shutdown
• May display aggression or hostility, inwards or externally towards caregivers
• May be disorientated or inconsistent during social interactions, sometimes overly passive, other times sudden aggression
• Swapping between hypervigilance towards perceived threat and withdrawal or detachment
• Difficulties with social interactions with peers, swapping between searching for closeness and pushing peers away
• Self-soothing behaviors, such as thumb sucking or rocking to manage feelings of overwhelm

If intervention strategies are not implemented to help a child shift towards more secure attachment, children risk carrying insecure attachment styles and internal working models into adulthood and relationships.

Attachment Insecurity: Impact on Adult Life and Relationships

Unless strategies are implemented to heal the attachment wounds that develop in childhood, children with an insecure attachment style risk continuing the same pattern of thinking and behaving into adulthood.

As a consequence, insecurely attached adults typically have…

• Maladaptive attitudes about the self 
• Low self-worth
• Difficulties trusting other people 
• Beliefs that they don’t deserve fulfilling relationships
• Emotion regulation problems 

These issues make initiating and maintaining meaningful relationships difficult, whether these relationships are romantic, familial, friendships, or workplace. However, each of the insecure attachment styles are associated with specific patterns of thinking and acting, which we detail next.

Signs You May be Insecurely Attached

Signs of Anxious Attachment in Adulthood

Fear of abandonment or rejection in relationships is the driving force behind the thoughts

and actions of an adult with the anxious attachment style. This fear results in a hypersensitive nervous system, resulting in an overactivation of emotions, as well as hypervigilance for something going wrong – especially in relationships.

In addition to these traits, the following are also signs of anxious attachment in adults:

• Emotional dysregulation, such as explosions of anger when detecting threats to proximity of loved ones
• Catastrophic thinking, such as picturing things going very wrong, very easily
• A positive view of others, but a negative self-view 
• Putting great effort into relationships, often to the extent of self-sacrifice
• Immense difficulty with receiving criticism and rejection

Signs of Avoidant Attachment in Adulthood

For someone with avoidant attachment, avoidance of intimacy and vulnerability is driven by an underlying fear of rejection. Due to a childhood in which they perceived their needs to be rejected, they deny their need for emotional closeness and shut down their attachment system, downplaying or dismissing emotions. People with this style are typically highly independent and self-reliant, often focusing on personal achievements rather than relationships. If they perceive someone to be pushing for increased intimacy, they may withdraw from or sabotage the relationship. 

In addition, the following are traits of the avoidant attachment style in adults: 

• Emotional dysregulation in the form of repressing or denying feelings even though they exist
• Difficulty seeking support and admitting the need for help
• Extreme self-reliance and independence
• Positive self-view/high self-esteem (often as a protective measure for low self-worth)
• Distrusting of others, expecting hurt or rejection
• Maintaining or increasing distance when others try to connect emotionally 

Signs of Fearful-Avoidant Attachment in Adulthood

Known as disorganized attachment in children, fearful avoidant attachment is characterized by incoherent behaviors in relationships. This is because people with this attachment style often have both an over- and under-sensitive nervous/attachment system. They deeply desire love, but are also intensely fearful of being hurt by people they care about. Therefore, they are consistently seeking intimacy and validation, but also pushing it away as they perceive it as a threat to their safety. 

The following behaviors are also characteristic of the fearful-avoidant attachment style in adults:

• Struggles with intimacy and building trust in others
• Inconsistency and unpredictability
• Oscillating between avoidant and anxious behaviors
• Emotional dysregulation which alternates between extreme expression of emotions and shutting down
• Push-pull behaviors, seeking proximity in relationships, then withdrawing without warning

If you’re wondering whether you might have one of the insecure attachment styles, you can take our Attachment Styles Quiz for a report.

How to Heal Insecure Attachment

Although attachment styles are considered to be stable traits, they are nevertheless possible to change. With the right awareness, understanding, and strategies, anyone can transition from an insecure attachment style to “earned” secure attachment. 

So, if you’re wondering how to heal insecure attachment, the following tips can help. 

Try therapy

The best way to earn a secure attachment style is in a therapeutic relationship with a trained mental health professional. This is a safe environment in which someone with insecure attachment can process their experiences, facilitating trust, self-awareness, understanding of thought and behavioral patterns, emotion regulation, and personal growth. Furthermore, throughout the process of therapy, someone with an insecure attachment style will learn how to transition these skills to “real-world” relationships.

Learn about your attachment style

Research indicates that we cannot move on from the past without first recognizing the impact it has had on our lives. You can gain new perspectives by reflecting on your past experiences and processing the emotions associated with your insecure attachment style. Our workbooks are excellent tools for enhancing understanding and also work as useful therapy aids.

Challenge your beliefs about relationships

Adults with insecure attachment retain an internal working model of relationships from childhood. This internal working model drives certain maladaptive beliefs about how relationships work, and how the individual will be treated within them. Therefore, someone with insecure attachment may attempt to cope with limiting beliefs by avoiding emotional expression, through maintaining constant proximity, or even by avoiding relationships in general. 

The good news is, if you’re wondering how to deal with an insecure attachment style, it’s possible to challenge limiting beliefs by identifying and learning how to disagree with them. You can do so by finding evidence to disprove them and applying logic to the situation at hand. The following are examples of how to do this. 

Find an alternative support figure

Alternative support figures (someone other than your primary caregiver), such as a grandparent, close friend, or romantic partner, may be able to offer the emotional support insecure attachers need to earn security. Evidence in the area suggests that these support figures do so through listening to their loved one when they are upset and helping them in times of distress. Such encounters facilitate the idea that others can be trusted, allowing someone with insecure attachment to learn that they can finally rely on others to meet their needs.

If you can’t think of anyone who could serve as an alternative support figure, the therapeutic relationship can help you learn these skills.

Conclusion

Many people wonder how to deal with an insecure attachment style without fully understanding the differences between these styles and how they develop. The types of insecure attachment are specific to the unique circumstances a child experiences, and can persist into adulthood unless effective intervention strategies are employed. 

However, even if you have an adult insecure attachment style, it’s still possible to heal with the right information, support, and techniques. Trying therapy, learning about your attachment style, challenging limiting beliefs about relationships, and finding alternative attachment figures can all serve to help you on this journey. 

Attachment may be defined as “a lasting connectedness between human beings,” but this doesn’t mean that your attachment style is permanently fixed. You may not be able to change your past, but you can target your present for a brighter, more promising future.

Sources:

Ainsworth M.D., & Bell, S.M. (1970).  Attachment, exploration, and separation: Illustrated by the behavior of one-year-olds in a strange situation. Child Development, 41(1), 49-67.

Bowlby, J. (1969/1982). Attachment and Loss, vol. 1: Attachment. London: Hogarth Press/Institute of Psychoanalysis

Bowlby, J. (1973). Attachment and loss, vol. 2: Separation: anxiety and anger. London: Hogarth Press

Cassidy, J., Jones, J.D., & Shaver, P.R. (2013) Contributions of attachment theory and research: a framework for future research, translation, and policy. Developmental Psychopathology, 25, 1415-1434. 

Main, M. (1999). Mary D. Salter Ainsworth: Tribute and portrait. Psychoanalytic Inquiry, 19(5), 682-736.