Self-Soothing Strategies for Coping With Anxious Attachment

Many people wonder how to “fix” an anxious attachment style. Whereas there is no simple response to this question, there is one way to deal with anxious attachment that helps someone with this style move forward in relationships in more balanced and healthy ways.

Understanding how to self-soothe anxious attachment is an essential skill for healing this attachment style. Self-soothing emotions is part of a process called “self-regulation” and it’s considered to be an important milestone on the pathway to a more secure attachment style. However, due to inconsistent early experiences, individuals with an anxious attachment style may find self-soothing and self-regulation difficult to get used to.

Self-soothing for healing the anxious attachment style involves having an awareness of our triggers and emotional responses. For this reason, in this article, we will discuss these triggers and unhealthy responses, as well as provide tips on how to healthily self-soothe anxious attachment emotions.

To do so, we cover the following topics:

• What self-regulation and self-soothing are
• How someone with a secure attachment responds to emotional triggers
• How anxious attachment develops in childhood
• Why anxiously attached children struggle to regulate their emotions in a healthy way
• How (and why) an adult with an anxious attachment style responds to situations that trigger them
• The common relationship triggers for someone with an anxious attachment style
• How to self-soothe in a healthy way when you have an anxious attachment style

Healing the Anxious Attachment Style Through Self-Soothing

Emotions can be like a compass guiding us in the right direction and toward the right choices in life. But on other occasions, emotions can become so entirely overpowering that we end up responding in unhealthy ways. What many people don’t realize is that our attachment style plays a significant role in how we regulate or self-soothe our emotions: The anxious attachment style can cause hypersensitivity and emotional outbursts when someone perceives their relationships to be threatened.

However, the good news is that it’s possible to learn how to self-soothe anxious attachment emotions when triggered, and through this process, work towards healing the anxious attachment style.

What Is Self-Regulation or Self-Soothing of the Anxious Attachment Style?

Self-soothing the anxious attachment style is the ability to manage emotions and subsequent actions in response to situations that trigger upset or distress. The ability to healthily self-soothe is essential for successfully maintaining healthy relationships, problem-solving during conflict, and establishing a stable sense of self-confidence.

The basics of self-soothing the anxious attachment style – like many other developmental skills – is formed in an attuned relationship with caregivers during early childhood. In a healthy dynamic, the caregiver(s) and child are attentive to each other’s cues and responses and engage in sensitive reactions. This “co-regulation” helps the child to work towards finding ways to resolve their upset or distress and return to a balanced state. With both time and practice, the child is eventually able to shift from co-regulation of emotions to being able to self-soothe their emotions.

The attachment style we form in our early years influences this process of self-regulation and self-soothing of emotions. Therefore, it’s important to understand how dysregulation of emotions affects how we cope with the anxious attachment style in day-to-day life.

How to Move From Anxious to Secure Attachment

Having a secure attachment doesn’t mean that someone is always in total control of their emotions, but, typically, securely attached people are able to self-soothe and regulate their emotions in healthy ways. Key factors of the secure process involve being empathetic to other peoples’ emotions and setting appropriate boundaries, which securely attached people are usually skilled at.

These abilities make securely attached people more likely to feel emotionally secure and satisfied in their intimate relationships; they’re comfortable being in a couple, but also secure enough to be by themselves.

Six ways a securely attached person might respond to emotion-provoking situations

Securely attached people typically respond to situations that trigger emotional responses by:

1. Being aware of how their emotions and thoughts influence each other
2. Talking to their loved ones about what they’re feeling
3. Removing themselves from emotional situations if they feel like it’s becoming uncontrollable
4. Writing down what they think and feel
5. Trying meditation or therapy
6. Exercising to relieve stress and increase endorphins

However, the way someone self soothes an anxious attachment style might look quite different.

Bear in mind that attachment styles are often incorrectly seen as rigid. Even though they do have stable traits, it doesn’t mean that you will automatically fill every criterion because you have this attachment style: Some elements might apply to you, but others may not.

How does anxious attachment form in childhood?

The anxious attachment style typically develops in an environment where caregivers inconsistently meet their childrens’ needs, or don’t meet their needs in the way these children require. There’s a variety of possible reasons for this.

For example, maybe the caregiver misreads the child’s signals or is unsure about the best way to cater to their needs. In situations such as this, the caregiver may switch between being affectionate and reassuring at times, to letting the child self-soothe on other occasions. Such a parenting style may lead a child to become confused about what to expect from their caregiver: Are they going to respond when they need them? Or are they going to punish or ignore them for acting out?

As a result of such responses from their caregiver, the child starts to feel anxious and distressed. They may end up self-soothing the anxious attachment style in unhealthy ways by throwing temper tantrums, becoming impossible to console, and acting very needy. The child feels comforted being close to their caregiver, so acting in such ways makes it more likely that their caregiver will pay attention to them and their negative feelings will temporarily be alleviated.

Unhealthy self-soothing anxious attachment strategies include:

• Constantly thinking about a relationship
• Focusing on potential threats to a relationship (whether these threats are real or perceived)
• Trying to be as emotionally and physically close to a partner as possible (such as by texting or phoning very frequently)
• Self-sacrificing personal needs for those of a loved one, causing a build-up of resentment
• Using blame or guilt during an argument to get what’s wanted
• Acting jealous towards other people in a partner’s life
• Becoming angry, even if this anger is sometimes directed inwards

Anxiously attached adults were taught as children to expect that the important people in their lives will abandon or reject them. So, they act hypervigilant towards any threats to their relationships – regardless of whether these threats are real or perceived. When triggered, someone may attempt to self soothe the anxious attachment style by engaging in protest behaviors like emotional outbursts, acting clingy/needy, or becoming intensely angry towards their partner.

Alternatively, an anxious attachment style may also cause someone to hold their emotions in and direct them towards themselves. They often feel unworthy of love and affection, so they sacrifice their needs in a relationship to ensure the happiness and commitment of their partner. Self-sacrificing needs can result in resentment, self-criticism, and potentially mood disorders such as anxiety and depression.

Self-blame and protest behaviors are highly damaging to a relationship. Therefore, learning how to cope with and self-soothe anxious attachment emotions is essential for establishing and maintaining healthy adult relationships.

Self-Soothing Strategies for Anxious Attachment

Fortunately, with time, effort, and practice, it’s possible to gain control over your emotions if you have the anxious attachment style. Whereas there may be no quick “fix” for an anxious attachment style, you can still learn how to self-regulate through techniques such as self-awareness, mindfulness, challenging your self-beliefs, and managing anger in constructive ways. 

Remember: Successfully self soothing the anxious attachment style means that you manage your responses to triggering situations with consideration to what you want in the long run. Basically, it means thinking about what you desire out of the situation before you act. 

To do so, you may need to understand the typical relationship triggers for the anxious attachment style – as well as how you usually respond to these triggers.

Typical emotional triggers in a relationship for someone with an anxious attachment style

A partner acting in one of the following ways may trigger an unhealthy emotional response for someone with an anxious attachment style:

• Inconsistent behavior (acting attentive and then withdrawn)
• Seeming distant or distracted
• Forgetting important events, such as a birthday or anniversary
• Coming home late without notification
• Failing to message back when anticipated
• Not commenting on, or failing to notice, something new (e.g. a new haircut or perfume)

A partner acting in the ways mentioned could cause anyone – regardless of attachment style – to become upset. However, the difference is how someone with a secure style responds in comparison to how someone with an anxious attachment style does.

For example, someone with an anxious attachment style may become overly emotional in their attempts to re-establish a connection with their partner. Such dysregulation of emotions could look like creating an argument or becoming clingy and needy in a bid to get their partner’s attention.

Healthy Emotional Self-Soothing in Anxious Attachment

Based on the information discussed so far, it’s clear how people may unhealthily self soothe the anxious attachment style. But what does it look like when someone heals their anxious attachment style responses? Well, healthy self-soothing for the anxious attachment style typically results in one of the following responses to triggers:

• Acknowledging that the anxious attachment system is triggered, and why
• Actively choosing to respond calmly instead of reacting emotionally 
• Using self-soothing strategies to calm down when overly stimulated
• Communicating openly to a partner about feelings
• Managing frustration if a partner’s plans change
• Engaging in conflict resolution strategies without becoming aggressive or overly angry

Four Tips on How to Self-Soothe the Anxious Attachment Style

If you’re wondering how to heal the anxious attachment style, the following strategies for healthily self-soothing the anxious attachment style can help you in this process.

1. Recognize the role of your anxious attachment style

Your anxious attachment style plays a large role in how you respond to situations that upset you. Self-awareness includes educating yourself on your triggers and how your system is primed to react to these triggers in certain ways. Once you recognize these triggers and reactions you can self-soothe the anxious attachment style by actively noticing when your emotions are escalating and choosing to respond in more healthy, balanced ways.

2. Model your responses on someone securely attached

As children, people with an anxious attachment were modeled unhealthy ways to self-soothe their emotions. However, as adults, it’s possible to model behaviors on someone more balanced and secure in their outlook. Choosing someone with a positive attitude and healthy self-regulation, and analyzing their reactions to typically emotionally triggering situations allows us to visualize ourselves reacting to similar situations in similar ways. Doing so strengthens the neural pathways in our brains that promote acting this way in future situations.

Furthermore, a securely attached person might be the ideal match for someone with an anxious attachment style. Someone with a secure attachment style is typically able to understand their partner’s needs and, therefore, can help to regulate an anxious partner’s emotions.

3. Openly communicate when triggered

Communicating distress or upset is a constructive way of self-soothing the anxious attachment style, as doing so helps a relationship strengthen and grow instead of weakening the bond. For example, instead of holding anger in and directing it towards yourself, or allowing it to explode at your partner, recognize that you’re starting to feel angry and clearly communicate it to your partner.

The following are examples of things someone with an anxious attachment style could say to their partner when they feel triggered or upset:

“I’m upset, and here’s why ___________. You might struggle to understand, but for some reason, it really bothers me.”

“I feel hurt. I know that you probably didn’t intend that, but I’m worried about our relationship because of ___________.”

“Would you mind staying in more frequent contact with me so that this doesn’t happen again?”

It’s useful to be aware that whereas these scripts would likely be effective with a securely attached partner, someone high on attachment avoidance might find them triggering because they fear intimacy and emotional closeness.

4. Practice mindfulness

Healthily soothing the anxious attachment style involves taking a breather between a feeling and an action. There are a few techniques that help you focus more on what’s going on inside your mind and body instead of on a trigger and its accompanying thoughts and emotions. Mindfulness is one of the most accessible of these techniques.

Mindfulness is the ability to be aware of where we are and what we’re doing in the here and now. With practice, it allows us to feel calmer and more relaxed instead of becoming aggressive, downbeat, clingy, or needy.

The “Five Ws” is an easy way to start mindfully engaging in the here and now. Simply think of five things you can see; four things you can touch; three things you can hear; two things you can smell; and one thing you can taste. Bringing your attention to such external processes allows you to remove yourself from any unpleasant emotions or thoughts. After you have done so, notice any sense of relief from what you felt before you engaged in the exercise. Try to remember how this feels the next time you feel overwhelmed by your emotions.

5. Change your thought patterns

Also known as cognitive reframing, this technique helps you self-soothe the anxious attachment style by challenging and changing how you think. You could do this by anticipating your typical negative thoughts and emotions in response to triggers and writing them down.

Next, try to challenge these thoughts by examining evidence to the contrary. For example, someone with an anxious attachment style might think, If I let my partner know how I really feel, then they’ll leave me.

Think back to a time when you did let your partner know how you felt. Did they leave? Probably not, right? So, once you realize this, you can make a healthier replacement thought for your negative one.

This replacement thought might sound like, I let them see what I felt in the past and they’re still here. Challenging our thoughts and beliefs can help self-soothe the anxious attachment style by focusing on the reality of your relationship instead of immediately catastrophizing.

6. Try therapy

Therapy is a great way for you to figure out your unhealthy ways of self soothing the anxious attachment style, as well as why you’re taking these actions.

Together with a therapist, you can work through your attachment triggers and brainstorm some healthy ways of healing your anxious attachment style, self-soothing your emotions, and repairing your relationships.

Alternatively, if you prefer to go down the self-directed route of a workbook, our updated anxious attachment style digital workbook is a great option.

Anxious Attachment Digital Workbook

If you feel anxious in your relationships and often doubt yourself, this book can be the step you need to begin your journey to positive change!

View Workbook

Our anxious attachment style digital workbook includes:

• 204 pages and 28 practical exercises
• How anxious attachment affects you in over 10 different areas of life
• 8 case studies on anxious attachment
• Groundbreaking and up-to-date research on anxious attachment
• Section recaps and areas for reflection