How to Beat Limerence: Strategies for Getting Over Your Crush
Knowing how to beat limerence may be an important skill set to learn for people of all ages, genders, ethnicities, and backgrounds.
For example, many of us ask ourselves questions such as, How can I get over a crush? Or, Why am I obsessed with someone? If this is the case for you, you may be struggling with limerence.
Limerence is a phenomenon that has garnered increased attention in recent years, possibly due to the heightened awareness and discussion around obsessive crushes. In essence, limerence is an all-consuming, unhealthy infatuation with an object of affection.
Limerence can have detrimental effects on social, emotional, and psychological well-being as it causes intense preoccupation with a crush’s actions, body language, feelings, and interests. For this reason, it’s important to know how to beat limerence in practical, effective ways.
If you would like to know whether you have limerent thoughts and actions, you can take our Limerence Quiz and receive a free report.
This current article can help you beat limerence through the following topics:
- Understanding limerence and why you may be obsessed with a crush
- How long limerence lasts
- How to stop limerence
- 5 tips for beating limerence
- FAQs our audience has about limerence and how to get over a crush
Understanding Limerence: Why Am I Obsessed With Someone?
The research around the causes of limerence is still in its foundational stages. However, it’s thought that the causes of limerence are due to a “perfect storm” of personality traits, biological factors, and environmental triggers.
Biological factors that could contribute to limerence include genetic components, as well as neurotransmitter imbalances such as low levels of serotonin and high levels of dopamine and norepinephrine.
However, the personality traits associated with limerence may only be “activated” by certain environmental triggers. One such environmental trigger includes the development of an insecure attachment style. Insecure attachment develops as a protective strategy in childhood as a response to how we perceive our needs to be met by our primary caregivers.
If you don’t yet know your attachment style, take our free Attachment Styles Quiz for your results and a report.
How Long Does Limerence Last?
According to Dorothy Tennov, the psychologist who coined the term in the 1970s, limerence is a relatively stable trait. This means that limerence is a consistent pattern of behaviors. Depending on the limerent individual and whether the object of their affection (limerent object, or LO) returns or rejects feelings (reducing uncertainty) limerence, as a rule of thumb, can typically last between six months to two years.
The takeaway message here is that limerence does have a shelf life: If the limerent object reciprocates or rejects the limerent’s feelings, uncertainty is reduced, and limerence ends. However, these feelings don’t withdraw suddenly – there is a gradual fade. As a result of limerence either being requited or rejected, the increases of norepinephrine and dopamine associated with infatuation start to return to normal.
If limerence is reciprocated the infatuation hormones (dopamine and norepinephrine) associated with limerence are gradually replaced with the attachment hormones (oxytocin and vasopressin). In a genuinely loving relationship, these feelings are enough to continue the connection – the limerent individual attaches to their partner. However, someone who is more addicted to the emotional and physical “high” of limerence may choose to end the relationship, therefore moving from one limerent infatuation to another.
As a further note, a limerent individual generally does not experience limerence towards more than one limerent object at a time – these feelings are reserved for one individual until the specific period of limerence passes.
How to Stop Limerence
Limerence can be damaging to emotional well-being for a number of reasons. As mentioned, limerent individuals who become emotionally addicted to the “high” of infatuation may transition from one period of limerence to another without forging a meaningful bond with anyone. On the other hand, for limerent individuals whose feelings remain unrequited, there’s a horrible sense of rejection or persistent uncertainty. For these reasons, it’s important to know how to stop limerence. The next section of this article covers strategies for getting over obsessive crushes.
5 Steps to Beat Limerence
The following steps can help you figure out how to get over a crush that’s taking over your life.
1. Psychoeducation and self-awareness
The first step in overcoming limerence is recognizing that you’re experiencing it. For example, if you’ve been prone to bouts of limerence since your early years, you may not recognize it as a maladaptive coping mechanism for low self-esteem, relational conflict, or social anxieties.Recognize that the infatuation, preoccupation, and fear of rejection that you’re experiencing are due to a mix of predisposing factors such as previous experiences and personality traits. Learn about the reason for your limerence and allow yourself to be curious about your thoughts and feelings without judgment before gently replacing them with more accurate, adaptive ones.
As a note, the best way to start incorporating self-awareness and cognition work into your life is often through therapy.
2. Improve self-esteem
Our past experiences and early relationships can greatly influence our self-esteem as adults – sometimes resulting in a desire for validation through external means, such as limerence. In contrast, someone with healthy self-esteem tends to have a more robust internal drive and feel more capable of handling challenges and achieving personal growth. Furthermore, healthy self-esteem is considered to be a valuable coping resource for managing relational conflict, which reduces the need for limerence. To improve self-esteem, it is important to understand the origins of your self-attitudes and the impact of these self-attitudes on your adult relationships. We encourage you to reflect on your early relationships and past experiences, seek support if needed, and make positive changes to enhance your self-esteem and overall well-being.
3. Set goals for relationships based on love, not limerence
Limerence and love have a couple of fundamental differences; specifically, love is mutual, reciprocal, and absent of fear. Furthermore, love is not characterized by uncertainty. In contrast, limerence can become an emotional and physical high that drives maladaptive behaviors, results in unfulfilling relationships, and impacts well-being. Setting goals for bonds based on respect and love, which aren’t fuelled by infatuation, may help you establish healthier relationships. Tapping into your values may help you in this process.
4. Understand your attachment style and personality traits
As discussed, insecure attachment – particularly the anxious attachment style – can cause personality traits that contribute to limerence. For this reason, understanding the source of your behaviors can be a fundamental part of changing them. At any stage of life, it’s possible to “earn” a more secure attachment style. Doing so requires self-awareness, reflection, cognition work, and effort, but the benefits are multifold and can reduce the impact of conditions such as limerence. Therapy is often the best way to reduce the impact of an insecure attachment style and associated personality traits. However, The Attachment Project also offers psychoeducational courses and workbooks on the different attachment styles and self-growth to assist in this process.
5. Deprogram the positive effects of limerence
Limerence has positive effects on the limerent – including emotional and physical “highs.” In similar ways to how people overcome physical addiction, when we want to eliminate the influence of limerence on our lives, we need to extinguish the emotional addiction to the object of our affection.One way of doing so is to first recognize that the behaviors you engage in concerning your crush are giving you pleasure of some form. Plus, continuing to engage in these behaviors is reinforcing your obsession or addiction to this person. Next, try to extinguish any positive associations you may have around being with or thinking about this person – this might mean avoiding their social media or deleting photos of them from your phone.Finally, create a method of self-feedback you can use whenever you start to fantasize or romanticize your crush, such as written reminders of their negative traits on your phone. Continuing to practice this exercise can eventually overwrite your positive reinforcement concerning this person.
Signs Limerence Is Ending
One of the main signs that limerence is ending is reduced uncertainty about whether or not the object of limerence feels the same way. Limerence is characterized by preoccupation about whether the limerent reciprocates feelings or rejects them – once either response is confirmed, the preoccupation and infatuation start to end.
If romantic feelings are reciprocated, signs that limerence is ending may include a reduction in feelings of exhilaration and excitement. The limerent individual decides to either attach to their partner and forge a stable bond, or move on from this relationship if genuine love is not present.
Alternatively, if romantic feelings are not reciprocated, the limerent individual may feel rejected, withdrawn, and hugely deflated. In time, as uncertainty is no longer present, they move on from their feelings of infatuation and idolization – and potentially seek validation from another limerent object.
Another sign limerence is ending is that you no longer are consumed with thoughts about your crush. Places, objects, songs, and films no longer prompt you to think about your crush and you stop ruminating about how you’re coming across to them.
As a note, as some people are emotionally and physically addicted to the high of limerence, you may need to remain vigilant regarding your next crush. Is this new crush simply infatuation and a return of the limerent cycle? Or is this person someone with whom you could have a stable, fulfilling connection?
A genuine romantic interest in someone who may be able to provide an emotionally fulfilling relationship is a healthy choice. So, during this process, track your limerent thoughts and behaviors and check in with your value system to make sure you remain on track.
FAQs About Limerence and Getting Over Your Crush
We also cover some frequently asked questions below to provide you with the knowledge you need to help you beat limerence and understand how to get over a crush.
Can You Snap Someone Out of Limerence?
Based on previous research such as that of Tennov, it doesn’t seem likely that you can snap someone out of limerence. Limerence is a relatively stable pattern of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. However, if someone you care about has a limerent object or obsessive crush, you can listen to their concerns, but gently point out when they are ruminating or becoming preoccupied. Aim for non-judgment and use “I” statements in this process. For example, “I worry that you’re not taking part in your hobbies anymore because you care about what this person thinks so much.”
Please bear in mind that limerent individuals often experience a lot of shame around their limerence, so trying to snap someone out of limerence may not give you the results you desire. Only the limerent individual can recognize that their emotions, thoughts, and actions are maladaptive before they can welcome change.
Is There a Cure for Limerence?
Simply put, there is no outright “cure” for limerence as each person who experiences it will have unique contributory factors. These factors include biological, environmental, and personality traits, so if you’re wondering how to cure limerence each of these contributory factors has to be considered.
Psychoeducation, self-awareness, cognition work, and behavior change can help stop limerence – these are often best achieved through therapy.
Is Limerence Related Mostly to Anxious Attachment?
Out of all the different attachment styles, research shows that limerence is mostly related to anxious attachment. This is due to how people with the anxious attachment style’s needs were met in their formative years. These individuals perceived that their needs were met inconsistently and therefore internalized the message that they are “unworthy” of having their needs met adequately. Limerence becomes a method of validation for such individuals – the possibility of reciprocation of feelings externally motivates them. Furthermore, perceived reciprocation of feelings helps to increase the self-esteem of people with an anxious attachment style.
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