Micro-Cheating: What It Is, Examples and Signs

Our digital age blurs the line between honest behavior and cheating more than ever, leaving many of us unsure where the boundary really is – is it okay for your partner to like a lot of someone else’s photos, follow people they meet at a bar, or send a quick “happy birthday” message to an ex?

Some of these behaviors could be considered micro-cheating, a term popularized by Australian Married at First Sight psychologist Mel Schilling in 2017, though it can be traced back to a 2008 Urban Dictionary entry.

Micro-cheating is understood to be crossing lines in small, subtler ways, which could build up to cheating in the more traditional sense. However, even psychologists find it difficult to define what counts as cheating – so how do we define micro-cheating? [1]

In this article, we’ll talk more about what counts as micro-cheating with examples, how micro-cheating relates to your attachment style, and how to tell whether you or your partner might be micro-cheating.

What Is Micro-Cheating?

It’s tempting to look for exact criteria to understand what micro-cheating is, but the reality is that each individual and every relationship has different boundaries and expectations. Even though lots of people are looking for micro-cheating lists (2016 article 33 Ways Your Boyfriend Is Micro-Cheating (And Totally Getting Away With It) by writer Mélanie Berliet is one of the most highly read and re-shared articles on the subject, with Berliet adding a 2024 author’s note clarifying that it was written as satire), what crosses a line for you might be okay to someone else, and vice versa.

This means that there’s no guarantee your partner will agree with you – good communication is vital. The only way to ensure that you have the same understanding of what’s expected in your relationship is to discuss it.

Of course, you can’t be expected to discuss every little scenario, so it can be helpful to use the following rule-of-thumb: if you wouldn’t do it in front of your partner, it’s probably crossing a line. Hiding, denying, or making excuses for your behavior are signs that you’re already breaching your partner’s trust.

Are You Micro-Cheating?

Micro-cheating can easily happen online, but it doesn’t only happen online. Here are a few examples of behaviors that often cross boundaries in relationships and could be considered micro-cheating (remember, it’s up to you and your partner to decide whether they cross boundaries for you).

Since you and your partner will have your own ideas of what is and isn’t micro-cheating, the signs of micro-cheating you might recognize are less concrete. To understand whether you’re micro-cheating, consider the following questions:

• Am I actively lying or hiding things from my partner?
• Am I avoiding telling my partner about certain things?
• Do I avoid discussing certain boundaries with my partner?

Micro-Cheating vs. Emotional Cheating vs. Physical Cheating

If dishonest behavior continues, it could go from micro-cheating to more obvious physical or emotional cheating.

Emotional cheating involves sharing a romantic bond with someone other than your partner, but it can still be difficult to define what “counts” as emotional cheating. Again, what matters the most is your shared understanding of boundaries with your partner and how you both feel about your actions.

Physical cheating can be easier to define because it involves clearer actions that cross more obvious boundaries. However, this still doesn’t mean everybody shares the same understanding of where the physical line is crossed – it’s still important to talk to your partner about where your boundaries are and listen to your gut feeling about your own actions.

Why Do People Micro-Cheat?

We still need some more research on why people micro-cheat, but existing studies have found that people cheat for a number of reasons, often involving unmet needs in the relationship such as a need for intimacy, autonomy, or better treatment [2].

Anecdotally, Internet users describe micro-cheating because they wanted an ego boost or a sense of validation, a sense of security in a high-stress situation, or a short-term thrill. Sometimes, cheating or micro-cheating happens because an opportunity comes along and the relationship doesn’t already have a strong sense of boundaries.

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How Social Media Makes Micro-Cheating Easier

On social media, we can make connections with the click of a button – not only reciprocal ones with people we might communicate with, but also parasocial ones with people who might post content that crosses a boundary for your partner.

Micro-cheating behavior on social media, such as connecting with potential alternative partners, has been related to lower levels of relationship commitment [3]. Social media removes the friction, or potential barriers, involved in finding an alternative partner. Instead of there being multiple practical steps between the thought occurring and finding one, like finding a free evening, choosing an outfit, going out, choosing someone to talk to, initiating the conversation, etc…, we can have the thought and send a message in minutes.

The 7 Signs of Micro-Cheating on Social Media

Since social media blurs the lines so well, researchers came up with their own measure of social media micro-cheating: the Social Media Infidelity-Related Behaviors (SMIRB) Measure [3]. This measure has 7 items:

1. I would feel uncomfortable if my spouse/partner read my chats, comments, and messages to others on social networking sites.
2. I sometimes wonder whether my spouse/partner would be upset if he/she read my chats, comments, or messages to others on social networking sites.
3. If my spouse/partner asked me about my chats, comments, and messages to others on social networking sites, there are some messages I would like to hide from him/her.
4. Sometimes, instead of going to my spouse/partner, I share deep emotional or intimate information with others online.
5. I sometimes like to chat or message old romantic partners online or on social networking sites.
6. If my spouse/partner disturbs or interrupts me while I am online, I sometimes get defensive or angry.
7. I sometimes hide the things I say to others online from my spouse/partner.

Notice again that these behaviors are associated with the feelings and intentions behind them, rather than specific behaviors themselves.

Micro-Cheating and Attachment Styles

Your attachment style could impact how you feel about micro-cheating and how likely you might be to engage in micro-cheating.

Anxious Attachment

In one study, having higher attachment anxiety was associated with greater infidelity-related behavior on social media when all factors were considered [3]. The researchers highlighted that this echoed previous findings, which suggest that people with anxious attachment styles might use cheating behaviors to incite jealousy or line up a potential new partner in case the current relationship fails.

Another study investigated whether your attachment style relates to behavior you consider cheating [4]. People with anxious attachment styles were more likely to consider behaviors indicating close relationships and casual social interactions cheating – some of the things they considered cheating that people high in avoidance didn’t consider cheating were:

• Staying in the same hotel room
• Spending lots of time together
• Going out to dinner
• Accompanying to a formal event
• Telling dirty jokes

Therefore, if you score higher on attachment anxiety than your partner, you might be more likely to consider certain behaviors micro-cheating than they are. Neither of you are wrong, but it’s important to discuss your boundaries and come to a shared understanding of what you each expect.

Avoidant Attachment

Although the paper on social media infidelity behaviors found that attachment avoidance wasn’t linked to micro-cheating when all other factors were considered, it’s important to look at the context: this paper used intentions and emotions to measure micro-cheating, not behaviors themselves.

Since people with high attachment anxiety are more likely to consider some behaviors cheating, this could lead to misunderstandings about behavior when someone with high attachment avoidance doesn’t consider what they’re doing to be a betrayal. In other words, dismissive-avoidant micro-cheating might be more of a miscommunication than an intentional transgression.

If someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style does intentionally cross boundaries and engage in micro-cheating, this could be due to a need for greater autonomy or emotional distance in their relationship.

Fearful-Avoidant

If you have a fearful-avoidant attachment style, you experience both high attachment avoidance and high attachment anxiety. Your feelings about micro-cheating could change depending on whether your attachment system is under- or over-activated, and it’s even more important to be open and honest with your partner about your boundaries to minimize confusion for the both of you.

Signs Your Partner Might Be Micro-Cheating

If your partner has suddenly become more defensive or secretive, particularly about their actions online, these could be signs that your partner is micro-cheating. There’s no way to be sure unless you’ve discussed your boundaries and they are clearly being crossed.

Worrying about micro-cheating can quickly turn into monitoring your partner’s behavior on- and offline. This is an unhealthy and potentially abusive behavior – if you find you need to monitor your partner to feel secure, it’s important to work on an internal sense of trust and security rather than relying on external relief.

How to Deal with Micro-Cheating

If You Think You’re Micro-Cheating

If the 7 signs of micro-cheating on social media resonate with you, or the other behaviors we’ve talked about related to micro-cheating feel familiar, it might be time to have an open and honest conversation with your partner.

First, try some self-reflection to understand why you might have crossed your partner’s boundaries. Is there an unmet need in your relationship that you haven’t addressed? Were their boundaries clear and did you reach a mutual agreement about expectations?

When you’re ready to talk to your partner, remember that a good apology involves recognizing what you did wrong, taking responsibility without making excuses, and outlining what you’ll do to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

If You Think Your Partner Is Micro-Cheating

If you think your partner is micro-cheating, first consider whether their behavior aligns with an intention to deceive – it’s possible that you just have different definitions of what is expected in a relationship. If you haven’t had a clear conversation about boundaries, they may genuinely have no idea that they’re crossing any.

When you do set boundaries, remember that they are boundaries for you, not for your partner. This means that you aren’t putting a limit on your partner’s behavior, but you are clearly and directly communicating how some behaviors make you feel and how you’ll respond to protect your well-being if they reoccur.

Can Boundaries be Controlling?

Sometimes you simply won’t agree on what is and isn’t micro-cheating. For instance, you might feel uncomfortable with your partner’s frequent communication with their friend, but they might feel that this friendship and their ongoing communication is important to them. Insisting on boundaries that you can’t mutually agree on can become controlling – try to reach a middle ground or find another solution.

In this example, if you feel upset about your partner’s communication with their friend because you need more communication from them, you could try planning a weekly check-in call or more frequent quality time.

Conclusion

Micro-cheating is difficult to define, and social media use blurs the lines more than ever. We all have different ideas about what “counts” as micro-cheating, so it isn’t defined by specific behaviors – rather, emotions and intentions around what could be considered minor transgressions are more reliable indicators of micro-cheating.

Your attachment style could play heavily into what you consider cheating. People with high attachment anxiety are more likely to consider certain behaviors a betrayal, while people with high attachment avoidance are less likely to consider the same behaviors wrong. It’s very important to discuss your boundaries with your partner and reach a shared understanding of what is and isn’t expected within your relationship.

If you’re struggling with micro-cheating in your relationship, consider whether your boundaries are clear and need to be re-discussed, or whether there might be unmet needs in your relationship.

Did you know that your attachment style can change? To find out whether your attachment style could be influencing your understanding of micro-cheating, take our free attachment quiz.

FAQs About Micro-Cheating

Is micro-cheating a real thing?

Micro-cheating isn’t a recognized psychological term, but it’s commonly understood to describe minor instances of betrayal in a relationship.

What are common examples of micro-cheating?

We all have different expectations of relationships, so micro-cheating is best defined by intentions and dishonest behaviors (hiding, lying, avoiding) rather than specific cheating behaviors. Common behaviors that people associate with micro-cheating are deleting messages to others so your partner won’t see them, following creators who make sexual content, and keeping in contact with exes while minimizing it to your current partner.

Is sexting micro-cheating?

We all have different ideas about what counts as micro-cheating. Some people would consider sexting is micro-cheating, others would just consider it cheating, while others might not consider it cheating at all. It’s important to make sure you and your partner understand each other’s boundaries.

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Is micro-cheating forgivable?

It’s up to you to decide whether to forgive your partner when you feel betrayed. In the context of micro-cheating, we all have different ideas of what is and isn’t okay. If your boundaries and expectations weren’t clear, it’s possible your partner genuinely didn’t realize they were doing something that would upset you. However, if your partner intentionally hid or minimized their behavior, this may be a red flag for future dishonesty.

How do I stop micro-cheating?

If you find yourself micro-cheating, consider what unmet need this is fulfilling for you. Do you need more autonomy in your relationship, or more intimacy? Do you need a sense of validation or an ego-boost? What’s missing that these micro-cheating interactions are making up for? When you understand the reason behind your behavior, you can find alternative solutions.

Am I micro-cheating or just being friendly?

We all have different ideas about what counts as micro-cheating; what you think is just being friendly, your partner might think is micro-cheating. It’s important to come to a shared agreement about boundaries and expectations. If you find it difficult to accept your partner’s boundaries without feeling controlled, you may need to look for alternative solutions or compromises to meet your partner’s needs.

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