Roommate Syndrome: Signs, Causes, and How to Reconnect

They say that friendship is the foundation of a great relationship, but what happens when your relationship starts to feel like just a friendship? We call this roommate syndrome: when your relationship becomes so comfortable that, although you’re happy and secure, it feels like the spark is gone.

People will advise you to spend more time together and just go out on date nights, but this isn’t the whole picture. Studies have shown that a specific kind of date night is needed to address boredom in a relationship, which, left unaddressed, leads to lower satisfaction later on [1].

In this article, we’ll explore the psychological definition of roommate syndrome and the signs you’re in the roommate phase, what science says about how to get out of the roommate phase, and how your attachment style plays into it when your relationship or marriage feels like roommates.

What Is Roommate Syndrome?

Roommate syndrome, also called housemate syndrome, the roommate phase, or the roommate stage, is when a relationship becomes so close and comfortable that you stop doing things that ignite a sense of passion and start acting like friends, or roommates, rather than romantic partners.

It could be characterized as boredom – you’re not particularly unhappy, you’re not experiencing high conflict, but you’re not particularly happy or interested in your partner either. Roommate syndrome can happen in any relationship, but it’s particularly common after moving in together or after getting married, when the honeymoon phase is long over.

10 Signs You’re in the Roommate Phase

A 2013 study set out to define relationship boredom and came up with a few common themes, including a lack of interest in the relationship, the loss of excitement that used to be present, and the absence of communication with the partner [2].

The top 10 features of relationship boredom that they found were:

• Lack of interest in partner
• Lack of fun
• Decrase in sexual interest
• Sick and tired of partner
• Feel nothing
• No longer exciting
• Less passion
• No spark
• Not stimulating
• Feeling unfulfilled

If these sound like they’re describing a pattern in your relationship, you might be dealing with roommate syndrome.

What Causes Roommate Syndrome?

The experience of becoming bored in a relationship after a big milestone like moving in together has been documented time and time again, so why do we end up in the roommate phase?

Time in general is associated with a “U-shaped” change in relationship satisfaction: relationship satisfaction generally peaks at the beginning, decreases to a low at the 10-year mark, then increases again until the 20-year mark [3]. The same pattern can be seen with age, with the lowest point happening around age 40.

Over time, both passionate and companionate love have been found to decrease [4]. Passionate love is the intense, exciting love we feel for partners, especially in the early relationship stages, while companionate love is attachment, commitment, and real intimacy.

With this in mind, the descriptions of relationship boredom as “lack of interest in partner”, “sick and tired of partner”, and “feel nothing” might signify that the problem isn’t just that the passion is gone, but that both types of love have been corroded over time.

This seems to be a natural occurrence, so is moving in together always the trigger?

When Moving In Together Triggers the Shift

Your relationship may or may not have already been heading for the roommate phase, but researchers find that, yes the transition of moving in together itself can lead to some immediate changes [5].

For 161 participants who moved in together during a 20 month period, negative communication immediately increased during the transition, then continued to increase while living together. Frequency of sex also immediately increased, but then decreased to a level below where it was before the couples moved in together.

Relationship satisfaction and perceived likelihood of marriage initially showed no change, but slowly decreased while the couples lived together.

Roommate Syndrome and Attachment Styles

Your attachment style affects your relationships in lots of ways, and it might impact your experiences of roommate syndrome too.

Avoidant Attachment

If you have an avoidant attachment style, roommate syndrome might creep in before you realize anything’s wrong. When you do realize that you don’t feel fulfilled in your relationship, you might be less likely to address it with your partner, letting it simmer away instead. If your partner tries to bring it up, you might brush off their concerns.

Leaning into avoidant tendencies is likely to make roommate syndrome worse. Getting out of roommate syndrome involves being open to re-igniting passion and intimacy in your relationship – re-establishing this intimacy might feel uncomfortable if you have attachment avoidance.

Anxious Attachment

If you have an anxious attachment style, you might be more sensitive to changes in your relationship. Roommate syndrome can feel distressing, and you might try to bring it up with your partner more often. However, if you’re not communicating clearly or healthily, this might only create a wider rift in your relationship.

Fearful-Avoidant

If you have both high attachment anxiety and high attachment avoidance, you might feel both distressed by the roommate phase and avoidant of the conversation. It might feel like proof that your negative beliefs about yourself and others are true, so you might accept it as the way things are without attempting to change it.

Secure Attachment

The roommate phase can still happen to partners with secure attachment styles, but you might find it easier to communicate about what you need and work through the challenges. You might be more likely to see this as a natural relationship phase that comes and goes, rather than a failure or an insurmountable problem.

How Roommate Syndrome Affects Your Relationship Long-Term

If boredom remains in the relationship, satisfaction can continue to decrease for years to come [1]. We often think that we’ll still have friendship when the passion fades, but the finding that passionate and companionate love both erode over time tells us that this assumption might not be as reliable as we think [4].

Every relationship is different, but staying stuck in roommate syndrome for a long time could lead to prolonged low relationship satisfaction, which can lead relationships to end.

How to Get Out of the Roommate Phase

The good news is that studies have shown that it’s possible to get out of the roommate phase. Experiencing novel and arousing activities – in other words, doing things that are exciting and new to both of you – together can reduce relationship boredom and increase relationship satisfaction [6].

This is why the generic “make time for date night” advice doesn’t suffice; if you’re going to the same places and doing the same things, there’s nothing new and exciting for you to experience together. You could try attending classes together, like pottery or cooking classes, trying a new sport together, or even just going to a new restaurant to try a cuisine you wouldn’t normally go for.

To improve relationship satisfaction, the activity doesn’t have to be particularly intimate (which might be a relief to someone with high attachment avoidance) – it just has to be different.

For Anxious-Avoidant Couples

If one partner has high attachment anxiety and the other has high attachment avoidance, this can create an additional challenge. The avoidant partner might find it difficult to face relationship difficulties, while the anxious partner might be hyperaware of them.

It’s important to understand the dynamics of your relationship and the attachment mechanisms at play. This can help you both to understand what you and your partner need to feel safe as you navigate getting out of the roommate phase.

Can a Roommate Marriage Survive?

People often feel concerned about the roommate phase in marriage. A “roommate marriage” like this is the same as roommate syndrome in unmarried partners who live together, although you might be more likely to stay committed for longer because you’ve made a bigger commitment.

If your marriage feels like roommates, you can still get out of the roommate phase by engaging in exciting activities together. It’s also still important to consider your attachment styles – being married doesn’t make these potential relationship challenges disappear.

Conclusions

The roommate syndrome, or roommate phase, is when long-term relationships become so comfortable that they start to feel more like roommates than romantic partners. This is a natural occurrence, especially after the transition to moving in together or getting married – but it doesn’t have to happen in every relationship, and it is possible to get out of it.

Doing new and exciting activities together helps you to feel more connected and interested in your relationship, avoiding roommate syndrome and improving relationship satisfaction. Having a secure attachment style can also help you to manage these challenges.

If you or your partner don’t know your attachment style, find out with our free attachment style quiz. You’ll get your unique attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance measures and a personalized report, with even more resources available specific to your attachment style.

FAQs About Roommate Syndrome

Is roommate syndrome the same as falling out of love?

Roommate syndrome might involve a decrease in passionate and companionate love, but it doesn’t mean you can’t change things. Doing exciting things together can help you to get the spark back.

Can roommate syndrome happen in new relationships?

Roommate syndrome usually happens when people have been together for so long that they fall into a too-comfortable routine, but every relationship is different, and it’s possible for this to happen quickly.

How long does the roommate phase last?

Just like every relationship, every roommate phase is different. A roommate phase could last weeks to years – it’s important to make active efforts to reignite your relationship, not wait for the roommate phase to pass.

Does couples therapy help with roommate syndrome?

Couples therapy could give you both the opportunity to consider and communicate about the things you need from your relationship, which may help you to overcome roommate syndrome.

Can roommate syndrome lead to divorce?

Boredom in a relationship is linked to lower relationship satisfaction, which is a pattern that can persist for years. If unaddressed, low relationship satisfaction can lead to breakups and divorce.

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