The Ick: What It Really Means and Why You Get It

Have you heard of “the ick“? If you’ve ever found yourself suddenly repulsed by your partner’s seemingly inoffensive actions, you might have experienced the ick first-hand. One study estimated that 75% of women and 57% of men have caught “the ick”.¹

The idea of the ick has been around for a long time, but it gained wide popularity via social media in 2020 – but the ick isn’t just a social media trend. In this article, we’re going to explore the psychology and attachment processes behind the ick, what the ick actually is, why you get the ick so easily, and how to get rid of the ick once you’ve caught it.

Key Points

• The ick gained popularity on TikTok in 2020, but the idea has been around for a long time.
• Personality traits like narcissism and perfectionism could influence your experience of the ick.
• Attachment avoidance could also be associated with a higher likelihood of getting the ick.
• Getting the ick in a long-term relationship might reflect more significant underlying problems.
• You can overcome the ick when you understand where it comes from and reflect on what it means to you.

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What Is the Ick in Dating?

Although it gained momentum in 2020, the concept of the ick has been growing in popularity since the 1990s. A notable first example is a 1995 episode of Friends called “The One with the Ick Factor”, with “the ick factor” first shortened to “the ick” on Ally McBeal in 1998. The ick later gained further traction when it was discussed on an episode of Love Island UK in 2017, and became a viral TikTok term in 2020.

The ick hasn’t been defined by psychologists, although a few studies have used working definitions like “a sudden and visceral aversion to a romantic partner, often triggered by behaviors or characteristics that superficially signal incompatibility or low mate quality“.¹

A video by the BBC defines the ick as “a sudden feeling of dislike or disgust towards someone you liked or were dating”. Things that cause the ick are called “icks”. An ick isn’t necessarily the same as a serious dealbreaker or a red flag for bad behavior, although they can be.

For example, one social media user described difficulty with parallel parking as an ick, which might reflect a more superficial turn-off. However, another listed driving too fast to impress others as an ick, which could be considered a reasonable response to dangerous behavior.

Icks Examples List

Social media users describing their icks give other examples like:

• Lack of confidence
• Poor hygiene
• Poor manners when speaking to others, e.g. waitstaff
• Unbalanced diets
• Untidiness

Psychologists conducting a content analysis of TikTok videos found that men and women tend to differ in the things they describe as an ick:¹

Why Do I Get The Ick? Psychological Reasons

Even though “the ick” is a relatively new term, it doesn’t seem to be a new experience. So, what are the psychological reasons we get the ick?

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Disgust as a Mate Selection Tool

To understand the function of disgust, we need to understand the function of emotions in general. Emotions lead us to take action – some psychologists use the phrase “emotions evoke motion”. The actions we take in response to our emotions are considered to have an evolutionary benefit, usually in the context of maintaining good social standing.

One wider known example is that the fear associated with fight or flight evolved to protect us from threats, social and otherwise. Feeling happy, on the other hand, can drive us to spend more time relaxing with others, promoting our social bonds and giving us strength in numbers. Feeling envious can motivate us to achieve something we want, while feeling proud of achieving that thing can push us to demonstrate to others that we’re competent and valuable.

When it comes to disgust, our instinctual response is usually to stay away. This is thought to have evolved to keep us safe from things that can make us sick, like rotten food. Psychologists have suggested that sexual disgust therefore helps us to stay away from incompatible partners.² Higher sensitivity to disgust has been linked with higher likelihood and frequency of experiencing the ick.¹

Personality Factors That Increase the Ick

Certain personality traits have been associated with experiencing the ick, too. Scoring higher on grandiose narcissistic traits, like self-importance, dominance, and attention-seeking, was linked with higher likelihood, but not frequency, of experiencing the ick. This implies that more narcissistic partners might be more selective in response to specific behaviors, such as behaviors that negatively reflect their own status like social awkwardness.¹

Higher other-oriented perfectionism – in other words, having high expectations for others – has been linked with both a higher likelihood and a higher frequency of experiencing the ick, which suggests that people with more rigid standards experience the ick more often. A wider range of behaviors could lead to the ick for people high in other-oriented perfectionism, and these are more likely to be interpreted as “meaningful relationship shortcomings”.¹

What Causes the Ick for Each Attachment Style

There’s no research yet on potential links between the ick and attachment styles specifically, but we can make some educated suggestions based on what we know about both. Further research is needed to look into these suggestions.

Avoidant Attachment and the Ick

When we have high attachment avoidance, closeness and intimacy can feel uncomfortable. Getting the ick creates distance from your partner, which can help someone with an avoidant attachment style to feel safer.

One cultural analysis suggested that the ick is linked to a more dismissive-avoidant dating culture.³ This analysis cites research findings that the dismissive-avoidant attachment style has increased 56% amongst American college students from 1988 to 2011, and highlights that other recently popular dating terms like “the talking stage” and “situationships” also reflect more dismissive attitudes to dating in general.

Interestingly, one study investigating attachment styles and disgust found that only people with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style rated their partner’s body odor as just as disgusting as a stranger’s, with other attachment styles rating strangers’ as more disgusting.⁴

For someone with high attachment avoidance, the ick could be more than a way to create emotional distance – it could be a way for them to leave the door open to walk away from the relationship, or an excuse to break up when things feel too serious.

Anxious Attachment and the Ick

Attachment anxiety is associated with positive views of others, so it seems less likely that people with high attachment anxiety experience the ick compared with people with high attachment avoidance. In the body odor study, there was no difference found between people with secure and anxious-preoccupied attachment styles.⁴

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Fearful-Avoidant Attachment and the Ick

The fearful-avoidant attachment style is characterized by both high attachment anxiety and high attachment avoidance, so their reactions to relationships can alternate between anxious and avoidant.

Like anxious-preoccupied participants, there was no difference found between fearful-avoidant and secure groups in the body odor study.⁴ However, this doesn’t mean that all 3 groups have the same experiences of the ick.

When attachment avoidance is triggered, people with the fearful-avoidant attachment style might experience the ick for the same reasons as people with dismissive-avoidant attachment styles. However, once they have the distance they wanted, people with fearful-avoidant attachments can experience attachment anxiety, leading into the classic push-pull dynamic.

The Ick in Long-Term Relationships

There are lots of reasons you might be feeling the ick – until we have more research on the ick specifically, it can be difficult to say whether it means something deeper. Some people think that the ick is like the icing on the cake, where lots of things have been building up over time and it only takes something small to tip you over the edge about wanting to break up with your partner. Others believe that the ick is an intuitive gut-feeling that something else is wrong.

It might be easier to get the ick once you get past the “honeymoon phase”, after the early stages of dating when the rose-tinted glasses start to come off. At this stage, you might start to notice or pay more attention to things you don’t like about your partner. If they aren’t serious cause for concern, it’s up to you to decide whether your icks are deal-breakers or not.

When to Trust the Ick and When to Question It: 6 Questions to Ask Yourself

The ick doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker. According to one study, around 32% of us continue dating despite the ick – 42% break up later, while 26% break up immediately.¹ To understand whether it’s an ick or a dealbreaker, it can help to talk about your experience of the ick with friends (as 92% of participants in this study did).

If you’re having trouble understanding whether to end things over the ick, you can use these questions to help you sit down to some self-reflection:

• Are there other reasons I might want to break up with them, unrelated to the ick?
• Does this ick signal a red flag for bad behavior later on?
• How does the behavior that led to the ick relate to things I value in a relationship?
• How might the ick relate to my attachment style?
• If no one else saw this behavior, would I still have the ick?
• Is there anything else that might explain how I feel?

There’s no definitive answer to these questions, but spending some time thinking about your answers can help you to decide how you feel about your relationship and the ick going forward.

How to Work Through the Ick

If you’ve decided you want to work through the ick, it can be helpful to understand where it really comes from. Have you been getting closer recently, potentially triggering attachment avoidance? Or, have you been feeling more distant and the ick is just the icing on the cake? When you understand the root cause of the ick, you can find a more helpful solution.

For example, if the ick is a manifestation of attachment avoidance, you might need to communicate with your partner that you need to take things slower. If other relationship challenges came before the ick, it might be helpful to address those first.

Clear communication is usually recommended, but in the case of the ick, pointing out neutral things that you don’t like about your partner is unlikely to support your relationship. It is important to communicate about any underlying issues, like avoidance or building resentment, without assigning blame.

Conclusion

Researchers are only just beginning to look into the ick, but psychologists are already drawing links between the ick, attachment avoidance, narcissism, and high expectations of others.

The ick could be a signal that something else needs attention in your relationship, but only you can decide what the ick means to you. Spend some time reflecting by yourself or with trusted friends to understand what might be behind the ick and whether you should act on it.

If you decide to work through the ick, it can help to address any underlying problems that might be behind it. This involves communicating with your partner about those underlying issues, rather than criticizing neutral behaviors that you might associate with the ick.

Could attachment avoidance be causing the ick for you? Find out where you score on the attachment avoidance scale (and the attachment anxiety scale) with our free attachment quiz.

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FAQs About the Ick

Why do I get the ick so easily?

You might get the ick easily because you have high expectations of others, or because you feel more strongly that your partner’s behavior reflects your own status. The ick could also be related to attachment avoidance.

Can you get over the ick with someone?

Understanding the underlying reasons for the ick, which can be different for different people, can help you to get over the ick.

Is the ick the same as a red flag?

The ick isn’t necessarily the same as a red flag. Some icks do signal possible incompatibility or bad behavior in the future, but some are more neutral behaviors that might signal another problem, like resentment in your relationship or attachment avoidance.

Why did I get the ick with my husband/long-term partner?

You could get the ick in a long-term relationship for a number of reasons. Spend time reflecting by yourself or with trusted friends to understand what underlying issues might be present.

References

1. Collisson B, Saunders E, Yin C. The ick: Disgust sensitivity, narcissism, and perfectionism in mate choice thresholds. Personality and Individual Differences. 2025 May 1;238:113086.
2. Tybur JM, Lieberman D, Griskevicius V. Microbes, mating, and morality: individual differences in three functional domains of disgust. Journal of personality and social psychology. 2009 Jul;97(1):103.
3. Rosier JG. Getting the Ick is Giving Me the Ick: An Examination of How the Trendy Joke Went Viral and is Impacting Gen Z Dating Culture. Virginia Social Science Journal. 2024 Mar 1;57.
4. Shell A, Blomkvist A, Mahmut MK. Particular body odors matter: disgust sensitivity differs across attachment groups. Journal of Applied Social Psychology. 2022 Oct;52(10):990-1001.