Phantom Ex: What It Means and Why Avoidants Can’t Let Go

Constantly thinking about your ex from years ago, comparing current partners to them, and wondering what they’re doing all the time are all signs of the same thing – you might have a phantom ex.

This is a pop-psychology term (not a scientific term and definitely not a clinical diagnosis) for having an ex who isn’t in your life anymore, but who you still ruminate on and bring up as if they were “haunting” your current relationships. This is thought to be more common in people with avoidant attachment styles, and it can be quite upsetting for your partners to be on the other end of it.

In this article, we’ll explain what a phantom ex is, what psychological research says about it, and how you can finally let go of your own phantom ex.

What Is a Phantom Ex?

A phantom ex is a previous partner you compare current partners to, whether out loud or in private, during fights or during date nights. You’re usually comparing them to an idealized version of your ex, creating an impossible standard for new partners to meet. The term was coined by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller in their 2010 book Attached.¹

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The phantom ex is slightly different to “the one that got away” – you don’t necessarily have feelings for your phantom ex, even though you’re regularly comparing your current relationships to the one you had with them.

The Psychology That Explains Phantom Ex

Although “phantom ex” is a pop-psychology term, meaning it’s widely used amongst the public and not in psychology research, we can still use psychological concepts to explore and explain what people say they’re experiencing.

The Peak-End Rule: Why We Misremember Relationships

One concept that’s been used to consider phantom exes is psychologist Daniel Kahneman’s research on memory heuristics (a heuristic is like a short-cut to decision making – they’re usually illogical but save our brains time).

In one study, led by Barbara Fredrickson, Fredrickson and Kahneman showed participants both pleasant and unpleasant film clips and asked them to A) rank how they felt throughout the film, then B) give a global evaluation of how they felt during the film.² They found that their global evaluations could be predicted by the peak of the emotional experience (the most extreme rating, whether positive or negative), and how they felt at the end of the film – rather than reflecting an average of how they felt the entire time. This suggests the most extreme and the ending are the moments we base our judgements on: this is the peak-and-end effect, or peak-end rule.

If we apply this to relationships, we could theorize that we base our evaluations of our relationships on only the most extreme highs or lows and how we felt around the end. However, evaluating a relationship is more complex than rating mood during a movie clip.

One study found that overall evaluations of past relationships were only weakly related to evaluations of the peaks and endings, supporting the idea that the way we look back on relationships is probably more complicated.³ The researchers in this study suggested the way we evaluate past relationships might be more influenced by how successful we perceive that they were.

Idealization and Selective Memory

Usually, when we find a new partner, we stop idealizing an ex partner and view the relationship from a more balanced perspective.⁴ However, if someone continues to see a previous relationship through rose-tinted glasses, they begin to compare existing relationships to an unrealistic, impossible standard.

When we idealize someone, we forget all the negative things – we’re all human and we all have flaws, but if you’re idealizing someone, you might think that they’re a perfect person and put them on a pedestal. This isn’t fair on anyone, including yourself and your ex.

Why Do Avoidants Hold Onto Exes?

Dr. Levine and Heller suggested that people with the avoidant attachment style are more likely to have a phantom ex, because it can be used as a distancing strategy when current relationships feel threatening. This was based on their clinical experience, but research hasn’t been done to back this up yet.

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People with avoidant attachment styles tend to push partners away when relationships feel too intense, either during conflict or increased intimacy or committment. This might explain why the phantom ex can come up during arguments (“my ex always did the dishes after they cooked”) or when the relationship is otherwise going well (“me and my ex used to have great dates”, “I used to do things like this with my ex all the time”).

The Avoidant Paradox: Wanting What Feels Safe

People with avoidant attachment styles do typically want closeness, but it can feel uncomfortable when they get it. Thinking about a previous relationship could somewhat satisfy both needs at the same time: it can feel like intimacy, without any actual closeness. Longing for a current partner can be too daunting, but with distance, it becomes safe.

However, the longer you yearn for someone who isn’t there, the more space you have to idealize them, beginning a cycle of idealizing and yearning.

Phantom Ex vs. Limerence: What’s the Difference?

Limerence is an obsessive, often unreciprocated kind of love.⁵ The person you’re limerent for, called the Limerent Object or LO, is also someone you idealize – but having a phantom ex isn’t the same as being limerent for them.

In limerence, there’s a degree of uncertainty: “does this person like me or not?” This uncertainty is what keeps the limerence going, with very high emotional highs and low emotional lows depending on how you perceive the LO responds to your (often vague) advances. When you gain certainty, either through rejection or the initiation of a relationship, limerence fades.

With the phantom ex, there is, by definition, no contact – it’s like they’re a phantom because they’re not actually around. There’s certainty in them not being there, therefore, there’s nothing to sustain limerence.

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5 Signs You Have a Phantom Ex

Since the phantom ex isn’t a recognized psychological term, there’s no psychologist-approved checklist to determine whether you have one. People tend to have different experiences of phantom exes depending on their current unfulfilled needs. However, there are a few common anecdotal experiences that might help you to label your own experience:

You can’t stop thinking about your ex.
You think about your ex more when your current relationship feels overwhelming.
You think you could get back together if an opportunity came up, forgetting the reasons you broke up.
You unfavorably compare your current partners or dates to your ex.
Thinking about your ex brings a sense of relief.

3 Signs You’re Dating Someone With a Phantom Ex

If you’re dating someone with a phantom ex, you might experience:

Your behavior, personality, or relationship being openly compared to their previous partners’.
A sense of distance or disconnection from your partner.
Feeling like you have to compete with someone who isn’t around.

You can’t know what’s going on in your partner’s mind, and many people with a phantom ex actually want to know how to resolve it so that they can focus on their current relationship. Therefore, try to communicate with your partner – focus on what you’re experiencing and how you’re feeling without making accusations or assumptions, and approach the conversation with curiosity.

If they’re avoidant, they may need time or space to think about what you’re saying – try not to take this as a sign of guilt.

How to Let Go of Your Own Phantom Ex

Some people with a phantom ex say that it was helpful to address any unmet needs in their existing relationship, finding that their phantom ex represented a need rather than the person themselves.

If you’re fantasizing about getting back together and idealizing your ex, try to remember why you broke up in the first place – in what ways were you incompatible, and what challenges existed in your relationship? Remember that two things can be true; they could be a great person with lots of good qualities, but there could still be interpersonal reasons the relationship didn’t work.

It can also be helpful to consider what you might be avoiding by staying attached to the past: when do you notice you think about your ex more often – is it when you have conflict in your current relationship, or when things are going well? What is the underlying emotion you feel when you start to think about your ex? What feels relieved?

If thinking about your ex wasn’t solving a problem for you, you wouldn’t be doing it – so, when you figure out the underlying problem, you can start to look for a more helpful solution. Rememebr to have self-compassion during this process; having a phantom ex doesn’t mean that you’re a bad partner, it just means that you might be struggling with something in your current relationship, or your attachment style.

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Conclusion

Although the phantom ex is more of a pop-psychology term, many people resonate with the pattern it describes. People have tried to explain it using the peak-end rule, but the reality of phantom exes seems to be more complex.

Phantom exes are often idealized, so partners competing with a phantom ex are being measured up against an impossible standard. If you’re dating someone with a phantom ex, approach the situation with curiosity rather than accusations and assumptions. If you’re the partner with a phantom ex, try to compassionately reflect on what’s behind these thoughts.

If your phantom ex is due to attachment avoidance, working towards a more secure attachment style could help you to enjoy your current relationship and stop thinking about a previous one. You can find out more about earned secure attachment through our attachment repair course.

FAQs About Phantom Ex

Q: Is phantom ex syndrome a real diagnosis?

The phantom ex is not a real diagnosis. “Syndrome” can imply that it is a medical term, but in this case it’s just being used to describe a pattern of characteristics. The phantom ex has not been well researched, so it’s closer to a pop-psychology term.

Q: Why do avoidants idealize their exes?

People with avoidant attachment styles can idealize their exes because it maintains a comfortable sense of distance from current close relationships – it “keeps one foot out the door”.

Q: What’s the difference between a phantom ex and limerence?

Limerence is maintained by uncertainty and the possibility that the person you’re limerent for might respond to your advances. The phantom ex is someone who isn’t around anymore, but still “haunts” your relationships – there’s no uncertainty and no intense emotional reactions to their behavior, although both involve idealization.

Q: How do I stop thinking about my own phantom ex?

People tend to stop thinking about their phantom ex when they address the underlying need in their current relationship. This could be something you need from your partner, or your own need for more attachment security. If you’re idealizing your partner, try to take a more balanced view and remember that two things can be true: they can be a great person, and also have flaws or traits that made your relationship challenging.

Q: Can someone with a phantom ex ever fully commit?

Someone with a phantom ex can find it difficult to focus on their current relationship, but they can stop thinking about their phantom ex when they address the underlying problem. If you think your partner has a phantom ex, tell them how you feel about the behavior you’ve observed without making accusations about their intent, and approach this conversation with curiosity rather than assumptions.

References

Levine A, Heller R. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find–and Keep–Love. 1st ed. New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher/Penguin; 2010.
Fredrickson BL, Kahneman D. Duration neglect in retrospective evaluations of affective episodes. Journal of personality and social psychology. 1993 Jul;65(1):45.
Kemp S, Chen Z. Overall hedonic evaluations and evaluation of specific moments from past relationships and high school days. Journal of Happiness Studies. 2012 Dec;13(6):985-98.
Imhoff R, Banse R. Implicit and explicit attitudes toward ex‐partners differentially predict breakup adjustment. Personal Relationships. 2011 Sep;18(3):427-38.
Tennov D. Love and limerence: The experience of being in love. Scarborough House; 1998 Dec 29.