Fault-Finding in Relationships: Why We Criticize Our Partners and How to Stop

Have you found yourself looking for negatives in your relationship? Perhaps the things you used to find endearing about your partner now give you the ick, or you’re starting to perceive them as character flaws.

Fault-finding is an issue lots of couples struggle with, and it doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you or your partner. Finding faults in your partner might be a sign that something else in your relationship needs your attention; in this article, we’ll explore fault-finding in attachment relationships, why we can become so critical of our partners, and how to deal with criticism in relationships no matter which side you’re on.

Criticism in Relationships Versus Complaint

Fault-finding is a pattern of focusing on another person’s flaws. These are character flaws as opposed to behavioral flaws: according to famed relationship psychologist Dr. John Gottman, complaints are negative behavioral observations, e.g. “I felt hurt and disregarded when you didn’t call when you said you would”, while criticisms are negative character observations: “You’re unreliable and careless”¹.

Complaints are sometimes needed to express what you need and set boundaries. If you find you’re regularly bringing up complaints about the same issue, perhaps your partner isn’t making the changes you’re asking for. But, if you’re constantly finding fault and nitpicking in relationships, you might be crossing the line into criticism.

Dr. Gottman calls criticism the first of his “Four Horsemen” of relationship destruction². These are four relationship behaviors found to predict the end of a relationship. The Four Horsemen are presented as a cascade: each one leads to the next. In order, they are:

1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stonewalling

Sitting at the very top of the cascade, you could say that criticism is the most important to address. Without criticism, we don’t proceed down the rest of the cascade to eventual relationship destruction.

Fault-Finding and Attachment

Your tendency to find fault in partners could be related to your attachment style.

In a study of attachment and Gottman’s Four Horsemen, attachment anxiety significantly predicted someone’s criticism of their partner³. Relationship satisfaction and duration alone only accounted for 3.1% of the variance in levels of criticism, but when attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance were added into the equation together, this figure jumped to 28.3%.

In other words, attachment insecurity can predict about a quarter of your tendency to criticize, even when your relationship satisfaction and how long you’ve been together are accounted for. However, only attachment anxiety was significantly associated with criticism.

This means that the two high-anxiety attachment styles, anxious-preoccupied and fearful-avoidant, might be the most likely to find fault and criticize their partners.

Why Does Attachment Anxiety Lead to Fault Finding?

One explanation for these findings is negative attribution bias: a cognitive bias where we tend to assume the worst of others. When actions or intentions are ambiguous, negative attribution bias can drive us to believe others acted the way they did because of their flaws or bad intentions, rather than viewing all angles of a situation.

In a 2023 meta-analysis, attachment insecurity was found to significantly associate with negative attribution bias – with a slightly stronger relationship between negative attribution bias and attachment anxiety⁴.

Since your attachment style influences your expectations of the world, it makes sense that you might lean toward negative attribution bias. People with high attachment avoidance tend to have a negative view of others, so they may already be predisposed to assume the worst.

People with high attachment anxiety generally see others more positively, but hypervigilance to relationship threats could lead them to interpret actions as negative when their attachment systems are triggered.

Why Your Brain May Magnify Your Partner’s Flaws

We engage in cognitive biases like negative attribution bias because we’re wired to take shortcuts. Our brains are constantly processing unthinkable amounts of information, so, sometimes, they choose to make fast assumptions based on past experiences instead of analyzing a situation properly. This is a survival instinct, but it can be maladaptive. Relying on these biases too much leads us to jump to false conclusions.

Negative attribution bias is reading bad intent into neutral or ambiguous situations. Another cognitive bias is negativity bias: bad experiences stick with us stronger and longer than good ones⁵. Here are a few examples:

Scenario: Your partner always brings you flowers on a Friday after work. One Friday, they go out for drinks with work friends. Not only do they not bring you flowers, but they don’t tell you when they plan to be back and eventually stumble in the front door late in the night.

How Criticism Escalates Into a Breakup

As the first of Gottman’s Four Horsemen, criticism is the first step towards the end of a relationship.

According to The Gottman Institute⁶:

“The problem with criticism is that, when it becomes pervasive, it paves the way for the other, far deadlier horsemen to follow. It makes the victim feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt, and often causes the perpetrator and victim to fall into an escalating pattern where the first horseman reappears with greater and greater frequency and intensity, which eventually leads to contempt.”

In other words, when we criticize our partners, resentment gradually grows between us until it becomes contempt. When contempt and criticism are woven through our relationships, we can become easily defensive, even when we’re not being accused. These 3 behaviors can then lead to stonewalling, when conflict becomes so overwhelming that we simply stop acknowledging it.

If you have an insecure attachment style, resolving conflict when it first arises can be a challenge. High attachment anxiety can lead to high emotionality that overrides our ability to problem solve, while high attachment avoidance can lead us to ignore the conflict in the hopes it’ll go away on its own – in either case, conflict remains unresolved.

How to Stop Finding Fault in Your Partner

Now that you might be starting to understand why you’re so critical of your partner, you’ll naturally be wondering how to appreciate your partner more. First of all, try to treat both of you with more compassion – it’s likely that neither of you have negative intentions, no matter what negative attribution bias says. You are a team, and you love each other. Recognize that both of you are doing your best with what you have right now.

When you catch your brain in negative bias or negative attribution bias, take a pause and try to consider alternative explanations. It can help to reframe it neutrally as well as positively, especially if the positive reframing is hard for you to believe. For example, in the flowers scenario:

In a more neutral scenario, let’s say that your partner has been a slow texter today, when they usually wouldn’t be:

Positive reframings can sometimes make us feel delusional, but viewing our partners through a generous lens isn’t a bad thing. Assuming best intentions from your partner maintains trust, and training your brain to look at the positives will make it automatic eventually.

How to Handle a Critical Partner

If you feel like you’re on the receiving end of criticism in a relationship, it’s important to understand when this is solvable and when it’s a red flag for an unhealthy dynamic.

Consider whether you’re receiving criticism or complaints – are issues your partner raises:

• Things you can easily change, e.g., behaviors not traits.
• Clear about how they impact your partner or your relationship negatively.
• Reflective of shared values.

For example, if your partner criticizes you for the way you dress, this may be something you can change and something they can explain their feelings about, but it may not reflect shared values. If you feel like your autonomy is being restricted, you may not be able to find common ground that is healthy for both of you.

If your partner cannot explain how something impacts them and the relationship, are they criticizing for a reason, or just nitpicking? If the thing they’re criticizing is not something you can easily change, such as your personality or your family, what are they hoping to achieve?

Should You Leave a Hypercritical Partner?

Although we talked about negative attribution bias, it’s important to be aware of toxic patterns when they might be there. A genuine complaint from your partner might make you feel a little guilty or embarrassed, but it should also be something you can fix without going against your own values or sense of autonomy. Criticism, however, can make you feel belittled and ashamed long-term.

Consider how your partner makes you feel overall and how you might have changed over the duration of your relationship. Do you feel like you’re growing, or shrinking? Do you feel appreciated? If not, do you feel safe to raise this as a genuine concern?

If you feel your partner’s criticism is starting to damage the relationship, but you don’t think it’s ill-intended, bringing this up with your partner (as a complaint, not a criticism!) can help prevent the Four Horsemen cascade. Helping them to understand the information in this article and the possible impact of their attachment style can help them to make a positive change.

Conclusion

If you’re constantly finding fault in your partner, it’s important to consider what’s going on for you and solve the problem before it leads to the end of your relationship. It’s okay to make complaints about behavior when necessary, but criticizing their traits and characteristics is likely to lead to contempt and an eventual breakup.

Both attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance are associated with negative attribution bias, and attachment anxiety has been found to significantly relate to criticism. By practicing compassion and reframing, you can reverse your reliance on negative attribution bias and see your partner more positively.

If you’re the partner on the receiving end of criticism, it’s important to consider whether you think your partner’s behavior can change, or whether it might be a red flag. Think about how your relationship makes you feel and take into account how your partner responds when you raise the problem.

FAQs About Fault-Finding in Relationships

What’s the difference between a complaint and criticism?

A complaint is a problem with behavior that impacts your relationship, that can be somewhat easily fixed. A criticism is an issue with someone’s personal traits or characteristics that they can’t easily change.

Is constant criticism a form of emotional abuse?

Constant criticism can be a form of emotional abuse. This is why it’s important to address criticism and consider whether it could be a red flag for other toxic behavior early on.

What is the psychology behind fault finding?

Fault finding is likely related to cognitive biases, namely negativity bias and negative attribution bias. Negativity bias is the tendency to remember the bad better than we remember the good, and negative attribution bias is the tendency to assume malicious intent where there might be none. These cognitive biases evolved to help us make decisions quickly, but an overreliance on them leads to difficulty in relationships.

Are fault finders insecure?

Criticism in relationships is associated with the criticizer’s attachment insecurity, particularly attachment anxiety.

References

1. Gottman J, Silver N. The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Harmony; 2015 May 5.
2. Gottman JM. A theory of marital dissolution and stability. Journal of family psychology. 1993 Jun;7(1):57.
3. Fowler C, Dillow MR. Attachment dimensions and the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Communication Research Reports. 2011 Feb 2;28(1):16-26.
4. Li D, Carnelley KB, Rowe AC. Insecure attachment orientation in adults and children and negative attribution bias: a meta-analysis. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. 2023 Dec;49(12):1679-94.
5. Baumeister RF, Bratslavsky E, Finkenauer C, Vohs KD. Bad is stronger than good. Review of general psychology. 2001 Dec;5(4):323-70.
6. Gottman J. The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling [Internet]. 2020.