Future Faking in Relationships: The Psychology of Empty Promises

Entering a new relationship is an exciting time, and the possibilities can seem endless. But should you be careful when someone’s promising you the world? How can you tell if they really mean it, or if they’re just future faking?

Future faking is when somebody promises you a future with no intentions of it materializing. It could be a friend, a boss, or, yes – a romantic partner.

Your attachment style could impact your tendency to future fake, and even the likelihood you’ll be subjected to it by someone else. In this article, we’ll explore future faking in detail, including signs they are future faking, how to respond to future faking, and how your attachment style can play into these false promises.

DISCOVER YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE

What is Future Faking?

Future faking is essentially when somebody makes false promises about the future. Sometimes they do this with all the best intentions – they might be excited about your relationship and end up running before they walk, making promises and commitments that they ultimately can’t keep.

On the other hand, sometimes people future fake on purpose to manipulate a target. Future faking could be part of love bombing, a tactic used to make someone feel special and extremely appreciated in the early stages of dating, only for the love bomber to change their tune once they’ve got you on the hook.

In both cases, future faking is a consistent pattern of behavior. We have all made a promise we weren’t able to keep from time to time, but this doesn’t make us all future fakers. When someone’s future faking, whether they realize it or not, they consistently make you feel excited for something that never materializes.

We’d all like to think we’d be able to spot this behavior, but 70% of us report falling for love bombing – when someone’s telling us something we want to hear, it’s all too easy to believe it.

Future Faking Examples

Anyone can future fake, and some ways of future faking aren’t as obvious as others – even continuous, subtle references to future plans that never come to fruition can be future faking. Take a look at the table below for a few different examples:

Note that there’s nothing wrong with these statements alone – the “faking” aspect only comes into play when these promises or future references are continuously unmet.

The Psychology Behind Empty Promises

Studies on false promises in relationships find answers that might surprise you – people with more positive views of the relationship and more motivation to act in positive ways tend to make bigger promises, but they aren’t any better at keeping them¹. What does help somebody to keep their promises is the ability to self-regulate, or conscientiousness².

This means that somebody who is eager to put your mind at ease and values your relationship, but ultimately lacks self control, is the most likely to make false promises, rather than someone who truly isn’t motivated to support your relationship. Your attachment style could therefore have implications for the likelihood you keep your promises to your partner – we’ll take a closer look at this in the next section.

The context of the promise also makes a difference – one study found that contingent promises, which rely on something else happening first, are less likely to be kept than promises that are made unconditionally³. For example, a contingent promise might be “I promise we will go on holiday together if I get that promotion” or “we can go on a date this weekend as long as the weather’s good” – regardless of whether those conditions are actually met, these promises seem to be easier to break because the sense of responsibility is diminished.

The authors of this study also suggested that promises might be easier to break if the promise-maker perceives that their actions won’t make an impact. They give the example of promising your friend you’ll go to a party – if you think your friend will go to the party anyway, whether you go or not, you’re less likely to keep your promise than if you think your friend won’t go without you.

This at least explains how future faking might happen unintentionally – but what about purposeful false promises?

Is It Always Manipulation?

Although it’s less likely than accidental false promises, some people might future fake on purpose to gain something they want. It might be that they want you to stick around, so they promise things they have no intention of following through with to keep you on the hook.

We might see this kind of behavior when someone is love bombing – this is when someone showers you in affection at the beginning of a relationship to win you over quickly, but they take away this energy once they’ve got your attention or commitment.

Love bombing has been associated with narcissistic tendencies and low-self esteem in the perpetrator, but its connection with attachment styles is still quite unclear⁴, ⁵.

Attachment Theory and Future Faking

Our attachment styles first develop in infancy in response to how our caregivers take care of us. If we feel well looked after and our needs are met most of the time, we develop a secure attachment style and an internal working model – which is like a mental template for how we see ourselves and the world – that people care about us and the world is reliable. Thanks to this internal working model, we develop high self-esteem, an ability to self-regulate, and a trust in others that we can take forward into adulthood.

If we don’t feel well looked after, either because our caregivers were unpredictable (associated with attachment anxiety) or predictably unavailable (associated with attachment avoidance), we develop different internal working models which go on to negatively impact our trust in others or self-esteem.

One doctoral thesis at the University of Regina found that high levels of attachment anxiety can make someone more susceptible to love bombing, which we understand might translate to future faking too⁶. This is likely because with attachment anxiety comes a need for reassurance and validation from partners, so unrealistic promises of the future can feel like a relief instead of a red flag. On the other hand, people with high attachment avoidance might be automatically skeptical or scared off by future talk.

DISCOVER YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE

How Different Attachment Styles Experience and Engage in Future Faking

There are no studies yet on attachment styles and future faking, but we can examine the common behaviors and feelings associated with attachment styles and what we know about empty promises.

If a positive view of the relationship, high motivation to please the partner, and low self-regulation are all implicated in our ability to keep future promises, then we could suggest that people with high attachment anxiety are the most likely to future fake unintentionally.

High attachment anxiety is associated with a high motivation to please the partner and low self-regulation. High attachment avoidance is also related with low self-regulation, but less so with an intense desire to please their partner. Some people with the dismissive-avoidant attachment style (high avoidance, low anxiety) say that they often future fake unintentionally, because the initial stages of the relationship are so exciting but they quickly become uncertain and scared off.

Interestingly, low scores on both domains are usually associated with positive relationship feelings – so securely attached individuals could be prone to making more promises that they aren’t able to meet.

Signs of Future Faking in Relationships

If your partner makes a lot of references to the future, don’t go straight to worrying about future faking – it’s normal, even healthy, to plan a future with your partner. Red flags are only raised if these promises seem too good to be true, a little overwhelming, or if it feels like the things you’re led to hope for never come true.

Keep an eye out for the following signs of future faking in a relationship:

• You constantly get your hopes up for something to happen only to feel disappointed.
• Your partner promises things will happen in the future but takes no action to make them happen.
• Actions you take to make your future plans come true are discouraged or avoided by your partner.
• The future plans your partner talks about seem too good to be true, or their intensity doesn’t match the stage of your relationship.
• Future promises seem to come when you express concerns or doubts about your relationship.

Additional warning signs might include:

• Vague timelines that never become more concrete
• Promises that escalate quickly without corresponding relationship development
• Future plans that conveniently address your specific concerns or insecurities
• No follow-up actions or planning steps taken toward promised goals
• Dismissive responses when you ask about timelines or concrete steps

Future Faking and Narcissism

Narcissism is a trait describing someone who might be overly concerned with their own life, sometimes at the expense of others. Sometimes this comes from a place of vulnerability, or prioritizing the self because they have low self-worth, and sometimes it comes from grandiosity, where self-worth is so high that they might think of themselves as better than others. In either case, they look for external validation, treat their needs as more important than others, and might demonstrate a sense of entitlement.

People with more narcissistic traits are more likely to lie and love bomb, which might make them more likely to future fake on purpose⁷, ⁵. Could they also be more likely to future fake by accident?

Having narcissistic traits is related to lower relationship satisfaction, but this has been linked to the need for things to seem perfect⁸. While lower relationship satisfaction might actually make someone less likely to make big promises they can’t keep, perhaps the need for things to seem like they’re perfect could have the opposite effect.

One study found that vulnerable narcissism, but not grandiose narcissism, was linked to unhelpful strategies for emotional regulation – namely, suppressing the emotion⁹. This is also a common regulation strategy in people with high attachment avoidance, and could make someone less likely to be able to keep their promises.

DISCOVER YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE

The Emotional Impact of Future Faking

Whether purposeful or not, the impact of future faking can be devastating. Feeling your hopes fluctuate up and down, feeling strung along, and feeling like you can’t rely on your partner can all erode your sense of trust and enjoyment of the relationship. Over time, this can have larger consequences for your health and wellbeing¹⁰.

Common emotional responses to future faking include:

• Chronic disappointment and emotional exhaustion
• Confusion about your partner’s true intentions
• Self-doubt about your own perceptions and expectations
• Anxiety about the stability of your relationship
• Resentment toward your partner for unmet promises
• Loss of trust in future promises or commitments

Negative experiences in relationships such as these can also shape your attachment style – even though the foundations are formed in infancy, your life experiences can change your attachment patterns throughout life. You might experience an increase in relationship anxiety or avoidance, or both, depending on what you experience and how you respond to it, and restoring a sense of relationship security could take some work later down the line.

How to Respond to Future Faking

If you think you’re experiencing your partner’s future faking, first try to communicate the way you feel – remember, they might not be doing it on purpose. Try to understand why your partner might be having difficulty keeping their promises and encourage them to look inward if they aren’t sure themselves. Communicate the impact it has on you, while staying empathic to their experiences too.

Here are specific steps you can take:

1. Address the pattern directly: “I’ve noticed that we often make plans for the future that don’t happen. Can we talk about this?”
2. Express your feelings without blame: “When promises don’t materialize, I feel disappointed and uncertain about our relationship.”
3. Ask for understanding: “Help me understand what’s happening when these plans don’t work out.”
4. Seek their perspective: “Are there reasons why it’s hard to follow through on these promises?”

Next, you may wish to agree on new boundaries around commitments and promises. This might look like asking your partner not to make so many promises, or to have a plan for how they intend to keep them before they tell them to you. It will take time to rebuild trust in your partner’s promises, so it’s important that they make them with care and intention going forward.

During these conversations, remember to remind your partner that you do appreciate them and their efforts – particularly if they do have an insecure attachment style, negative feedback can feel quite confronting to them.

If their behavior doesn’t change after open conversations are had and clear boundaries are set, it may be time to consider whether a counsellor could help or if this relationship is right for you.

Healing Trust Issues After Future Faking Experiences

While a change in your partner’s behavior can help, it’s important to address any difficulties you’re having around trust and attachment within yourself too. Gaining a deeper understanding of your attachment patterns and other life experiences that might be impacting your sense of trust can help you to understand what you need to move forward.

Steps for healing include:

• Recognize your attachment patterns and how they might make you more susceptible to future faking
• Practice self-regulation to manage emotional reactions to broken promises
• Develop healthy skepticism without becoming overly cynical about future promises
• Build self-worth that doesn’t depend on external validation or promises
• Learn to trust your instincts when something feels too good to be true

Our workbooks and Attachment Repair Kit can help you to repair your sense of trust and develop a more secure attachment. If you don’t yet know your attachment style, start by taking our free quiz.

Conclusion

Future faking can have a significant negative impact on a relationship, and it’s often associated with narcissistic traits and manipulation – but it isn’t always done on purpose. People with greater relationship satisfaction and drive to please their partner are more likely to make too many promises, and people with lower self-regulation skills find it more difficult to keep them.

The good news? Recovering from future faking is possible for you and your relationship, with open communication, clear, healthy boundaries, and a deeper understanding of your attachment patterns.

Understanding the psychology behind future faking, recognizing the warning signs, and knowing how to respond can help you build healthier, more honest relationships. Whether you’re dealing with unintentional over-promising or deliberate manipulation, addressing future faking directly is essential for maintaining trust and emotional wellbeing in your relationships.

DISCOVER YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE

Frequently Asked Questions About Future Faking

What is future faking by a narcissist?

Future faking on purpose is when someone makes bold promises, or subtle references to a future together, with no intention of following through. These are designed to keep someone on the hook.

How to stop future faking?

To stop future faking, take some time to understand why this is happening often. Try keeping exciting ideas to yourself so that they can be surprises instead of promises, or make sure you have a plan for how you’ll follow up on a promise before you make one. Engage in open communication with your partner and discuss which boundaries would be the most helpful to both of you.

Are empty promises emotional abuse?

Empty promises can be emotional abuse, but they can also be accidental – some people tend to overpromise and underdeliver without realizing the impact it has on others.

Why do empty promises hurt?

Empty promises can make you feel deflated, angry, and undervalued. They can harm your sense of trust and relationship satisfaction, which, if left to progress over time, can have a negative impact on your overall wellbeing.

Is future faking always a red flag in relationships?

Not necessarily. Occasional unmet promises happen in all relationships. Future faking becomes a red flag when it’s a consistent pattern, when promises seem unrealistic for your relationship stage, or when there’s never any follow-through or planning toward promised goals.

How can I tell if someone is future faking or just genuinely excited about our relationship?

Look for concrete actions that support their promises. Genuine excitement is usually accompanied by planning steps, realistic timelines, and consistent follow-through. Future faking often involves vague timelines, no concrete planning, and promises that conveniently address your concerns without real commitment.

Can people with secure attachment styles be susceptible to future faking?

Yes, people with secure attachment can be susceptible, especially early in relationships when they’re naturally trusting and optimistic. However, they’re typically better at recognizing patterns and addressing concerns directly with their partners.

References

1. Peetz J, Kammrath L. Only because I love you: Why people make and why they break promises in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 2011 May;100(5):887.
2. Kammrath LK, Peetz J. The limits of love: Predicting immediate versus sustained caring behaviors in close relationships. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology. 2011;47:411-7.
3. Chen J, Houser D. Broken promises and hidden partnerships: An experiment. Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization. 2019 Jan 1;157:754-74.
4. Ganesan, Ramya & R, Sarika & Sivadharshini, Manisha. AN EXPLORATORY STUDY ON THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN DARK TRIAD, LOVE BOMBING AND ADULT ATTACHMENT STYLE AMONG DATING APP USERS. 1996; 10.13140/RG.2.2.21678.73282.
5. Strutzenberg C. Love-bombing: a narcissistic approach to relationship formation. The Student Journal of Dale Bumpers College of Agricultural, Food and Life Sciences. 2017.
6. Goulden-Markusson TR. The illusion of affection: unravelling the process of love bombing (Doctoral dissertation, Faculty of Arts, University of Regina). 2025.
7. Elaad E, Hanania SB, Mazor S, Zvi L. The relations between deception, narcissism and self-assessed lie-and truth-related abilities. Psychiatry, psychology and law. 2020 Sep 2;27(5):880-93.
8. Casale S, Fioravanti G, Baldi V, Flett GL, Hewitt PL. Narcissism, perfectionistic self-presentation, and relationship satisfaction from a dyadic perspective: narcissism and relationship satisfaction. Self and Identity. 2020 Nov 16;19(8):948-66.
9. Loeffler LA, Huebben AK, Radke S, Habel U, Derntl B. The association between vulnerable/grandiose narcissism and emotion regulation. Frontiers in psychology. 2020 Oct 15;11:519330.
10. Berry JW, Worthington Jr EL. Forgivingness, relationship quality, stress while imagining relationship events, and physical and mental health. Journal of counseling psychology. 2001 Oct;48(4):447.