Why Are So Many Adult Children Going No Contact With Their Parents?

In the US, over a quarter (26%) of people over the age of 15 are estranged from their fathers, and 1 in 20 (6%) are estranged from their mothers [1]. Estrangement is when we have low or no contact with a parent – a topic that’s gained popularity online in recent years.

The decision to go no contact with a parent is rarely an easy one. There are a few reasons you might consider going no contact with parents – you might also try low contact, or the “grey rock” method. Parental estrangement can also be reversed; no contact with parents doesn’t have to be forever.

Going no contact with parents might feel different depending on your attachment style. In this article, we’ll explore the attachment implications of going no contact with parents, why adult children go no contact with their parents, and how to approach the decision if you’re wondering whether it might be right for you.

What Does “No Contact With Parents” Mean?

Going no contact is a deliberate choice to end contact with a parent. It’s similar but slightly different to estrangement and the silent treatment.

Grey rocking is another term you might hear in relation to no contact with parents. This is when we limit contact to the bare minimum exchange of information, without emotional involvement.

How Common Is Family Estrangement?

According to a longitudinal (long-term) study published in 2022, people are much more likely to be estranged from their fathers than from their mothers, with a 20 percentage point increase from 6% (mothers) to 26% (fathers) [1].

Daughters are slightly more likely to be estranged from their fathers (28%) than sons (24%), and people identifying as gay/lesbian or bisexual are 10%-14% more likely to be estranged from their fathers than heterosexual respondents (32% for gay/lesbian, 36% for bisexual, and 22% for heterosexual groups). There were no differences based on these identifiers when it came to estrangement from mothers.

What this study doesn’t tell us is whether estrangement is increasing. With the topic rising in popularity, especially on social media, it can seem as though more and more people are choosing to go no contact with their parents. Although the stats are high, we don’t yet have enough data to know if they’re higher than they have been before.

Why Do Adult Children Go No Contact With Parents?

Adult children often choose to go no contact with their parents due to conflict in the relationship [1]. In some cases, adult children might have experienced abuse or repeated boundary violations that push them to eliminate contact.

In the US, political opinions can be extremely divisive. When adult children don’t share the same views as their parents, to the extent that they might feel personally disrespected or devalued by their parents’ politics, they might choose to reduce or cut contact to protect their well-being.

Disruptive life events, such as a death in the family or a separation, can also lead to parental estrangement [2]. It’s important to look at the family systems, not just the relationship between the child and the parent, as these also play an important role.

The Role of Childhood Patterns

Sometimes, children with good parental relationships in adulthood come to realize that those relationships were not so good when they were children. They might choose to limit contact while they process or come to terms with what happened.

This could involve experiences of parents as confusing, absent, or frightening – the same experiences that lead to attachment insecurity in children.

The Understanding Gap

Parents and children tend to give different reasons for estrangement. Adult children most commonly cite toxic behavior, feeling unsupported, and feeling unaccepted as reasons they went no contact with parents, while parents tend to blame the influence of other people or events [3], [4].

Parents might recognize that their children feel unloved, but aren’t able to explain why. Meanwhile, their children are likely to be able to give specific examples and reasons. All of this highlights that parents and their children don’t seem to be able to agree on the reasons for their estrangement.

The Spectrum of Distance: Low Contact, grey Rock, and No Contact

Estrangement can range from no contact at all to a poor relationship with low contact. We can think of parent-child contact as a spectrum: from full contact, to low contact, to grey rocking, to no contact at all.

If you have low contact with parents, you might contact them for important events or on significant days, like birthdays and holidays, but otherwise avoid involving them in your life. Low contact with parents can be enough for some people to feel like they have the space they need without taking what might feel like a drastic step.

How Attachment Style Shapes No Contact Decisions

Your general attachment style influences your attachment to both parents, but your attachments could be different depending on your relationship. For example, you could be securely attached to your mother, but have high attachment avoidance in your relationship with your father. Our free attachment quiz gives you your general attachment style, mother attachment, and father attachment, as well as your romantic attachment style.

Secure attachments between parents and children – particularly in the parents – are associated with higher chances of reconciliation [5]. We need more research to understand exactly how attachments might influence estrangement, but we can suggest some theories based on what we already know about attachment.

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment

Having an anxious attachment to your parent can make it feel very difficult to choose no contact. It might take a long time for you to reach the point of no contact, or you might trial periods of low contact or grey rocking first.

Your attachment anxiety could mean that the loss of contact with your attachment figure feels painful and induces guilt – sitting with this discomfort will be part of the process if you’re choosing no contact. You might feel a strong pull to re-establish contact, but it’s important you feel ready to address the root of the relationship difficulties when you reconcile instead of acting on strong emotions.

Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment

If you have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, you might be quicker to go no contact with your parents. Dealing with conflict by avoiding it feels like the safest, easiest solution, so you might feel less guilt or distress over the separation.

However, this doesn’t mean you will feel no emotions about it – dismissive-avoidants often exhibit the same attachment stress as other insecure attachment styles, but are better at masking it (even to themselves).

Going no contact with your parents can be very difficult for both of you – try to spend some time really considering whether this is what you think is best rather than acting on emotion and frustration.

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment

If you have a fearful-avoidant attachment to your parent or parents, you have both high attachment anxiety and high attachment avoidance. You might be quick to choose no contact, since avoidance feels safe, but then feel intense emotions about the separation as attachment anxiety kicks in.

You might also be wondering where attachment disorganization comes in. A disorganized attachment style is different to fearful-avoidance, because you can have both a main attachment style and attachment disorganization on top.

Some people think that if they have fearful-avoidance or disorganization, there must have been abuse or trauma, even if they can’t remember it. This isn’t necessarily the case – while this can happen, there are other experiences that might influence fearful-avoidance or disorganization, such as prolonged separation or socioeconomic difficulties.

The Emotional Reality of Going No Contact

You can experience lots of emotions when you go no or low contact with a parent. One study interviewed 25 people who had initiated no contact with their parents, and found that grief and relief often coincide [6]. It’s normal to feel both a sense of peace and a feeling of guilt around going no contact, as well as loss over the family you might wish you had.

You might also experience a sense of loneliness and disconnect from other people – it can feel like nobody relates to your situation, especially if they react with confusion around your choice to go no contact.

Amongst all of this, you might still be processing what happened in your parental relationship at the same time. As one participant in the study said:

“It’s like being born again. It’s also scary because as a newborn you can’t make all the decisions because you’re not used to it. So lots of my peers already could do things and know things and have a place to fall back on. I never had that and I think that is the hardest.”

Does Going No Contact with Parents Have to Be Forever?

Going no contact doesn’t have to be permanent. In the 2022 study, 81% of people reconciled with their estranged mothers, and 69% reconciled with their estranged fathers [1]. Some people have no intention of ever reconciling with estranged parents, but, if you’re hoping for reconciliation one day, it might be possible with time and patience.

Reconciliation tends to be gradual – take it one step at a time. Sometimes your relationship is never the same as it was before no contact, but that isn’t always a bad thing. You may both need to accept things about each other that won’t change, and you may need to set boundaries.

How to Decide If Going No Contact Is Right for You

No one can decide for you whether going no contact is right – it’s a very personal decision unique to your own circumstances. Reflect on what you hope to gain, what you fear you’ll lose, and what coping strategies you might have in place if you make the decision to go no contact. For example, do you have a good support network and emotional regulation skills? What could you do to make sure you’ll be able to manage the emotional impact of no contact?

It can be helpful to involve a licensed mental health professional. They can help you to talk through your thoughts, look at the situation from different perspectives, and explore your options for support.

How to Go No Contact With a Parent

People go no contact with parents in different ways. Some people simply stop communicating, others phase out communication slowly by starting with low contact, and some sit their parent down for a conversation about boundaries. The right way will, again, depend on you and your unique situation.

There is often no right or easy way to go no contact with a parent. Ensuring you have good support strategies can help you with the transition and the difficult, conflicting emotions that come with it. There are other things you might wish to prepare for, like how other family members might respond.

Conclusion

Going no contact with a parent is a controversial topic, partly driven by a disconnect in what parents and their adult children perceive to be the reasons. Across the board, people are much more likely to be estranged from their fathers than their mothers, and this effect is even greater in people who identify as gay/lesbian or bisexual. This may be because feeling unsupported or unaccepted is often the reason given by the adult child for choosing no contact.

Going no contact is a difficult decision that only you can make. It comes with a confusing mix of emotions, with many people feeling grief, isolation, and sadness, but also relief, freedom, and a sense of new beginnings. Exploring your feelings around going no contact can be helpful to do with a licensed mental health professional.

Your childhood attachment experiences can shape your relationship with your parents as well as your attachment style. In turn, your attachment to your parents can impact your decision and experiences in going no contact. You can have a different attachment style to each parent – if you don’t know both parental attachment styles, as well as your general and romantic attachment style, take our free attachment quiz.

FAQs About Going No Contact With Parents

What does it mean to go no contact with a parent?

Going no contact with a parent means cutting off communication completely. Some people choose to go low contact or grey rock instead.

What happens when you go no contact with your parents?

People report a mix of emotions after going no contact with parents, including grieving the real loss and the loss of the family they wish they had, while also feeling relief. It can also be an isolating experience, but many people find personal growth in the separation.

Can you reconcile after going no contact?

No contact doesn’t have to be forever. According to studies, the majority of parents and adult children reconcile after no contact.

How do you tell your parent you’re going no contact?

Telling a parent you want to go no contact isn’t easy. The way you choose to do it is unique to you and your situation. A licensed mental health professional could help you talk through your options.

Should you give your parent a reason for no contact?

Whether or not you give your parent a reason for no contact is up to you. Since your relationship with your parent is unique, only you can decide what’s right for you, but a mental health professional can help you to reflect and consider your options.

References

1. Reczek R, Stacey L, Thomeer MB. Parent–adult child estrangement in the United States by gender, race/ethnicity, and sexuality. Journal of Marriage and Family. 2023 Apr;85(2):494-517.
2. Arránz Becker O, Hank K. Adult children’s estrangement from parents in Germany. Journal of Marriage and Family. 2022 Feb;84(1):347-60.
3. Carr K, Holman A, Abetz J, Kellas JK, Vagnoni E. Giving voice to the silence of family estrangement: Comparing reasons of estranged parents and adult children in a nonmatched sample. Journal of Family Communication. 2015 Apr 3;15(2):130-40.
4. Schoppe-Sullivan SJ, Coleman J, Wang J, Yan JJ. Mothers’ attributions for estrangement from their adult children. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice. 2023 Sep;12(3):146.
5. Coleman J, Cowan PA, Pape Cowan C. Attachment security, divorce, parental estrangement, and reconciliation. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2022 Mar;39(3):778-95.
6. Agllias K. Missing family: The adult child’s experience of parental estrangement. Journal of Social Work Practice. 2018 Jan 2;32(1):59-72.