The No Contact Rule: What It Is and Signs It’s Working

After a breakup, you’ll hear all kinds of advice, and sometimes it’ll sound like this: “you should go no contact“. The no contact rule is the idea that, after a breakup, you cut off all contact with your now-ex. People typically go no contact either because they need space to prioritize themselves, or because they think it will make their ex-partner more likely to return – particularly if their ex has an avoidant attachment style.

Some people find that going no contact simply helps them to avoid texting their ex-partner when emotions are high, avoiding the risk of overwhelm on their end and regret on yours. We believe that the no contact rule can work, but that it should be used as a way to help you focus on yourself and move on after a breakup, and not as a way to get someone’s attention.

Your attachment style can affect how well you handle the no contact rule, and whether it would be right for you. In this article, we’re going to deep dive into the no contact rule, what happens when you go no contact, and why you shouldn’t go no contact to get back with an avoidant ex.

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Key Points:

Going no contact can be used to help you recover from a breakup, but it shouldn’t be used to get someone back.
Your attachment style can have a significant impact on your response to going no contact.
There is no “30 day rule” or set time you should go no contact for – everyone and every breakup is different.
You’ll know no contact is working when you feel peace and acceptance about your breakup, and you no longer feel an intense urge to get in contact. Healing isn’t linear, and it’s okay to feel better one day and worse the next.

What Is the No Contact Rule?

Going no contact is the complete ending of all communication, with some people going as far as blocking on all social media. Although this sounds harsh, it’s not the same as ghosting, where someone disappears without warning. Going no contact is a firm boundary, which should be discussed and mutually understood beforehand (even if not mutually agreed).

Sometimes people do this to win their ex back, with the belief that no contact might make them miss the relationship or feel worse about the breakup. You can’t be certain this will happen, as each individual and each breakup is different, so this just leaves you waiting for something that might never come. Instead, the no contact rule should be used to give you space to focus on yourself, process your emotions, and move on from the breakup without getting pulled back in.

The Psychology Behind No Contact

Many people find that going to contact does eventually help them to move on, even if it hurts at first. Neuropsychological studies can give us an insight into how this works.

The Neurobiology of Heartbreak

In 2010, Dr. Helen Fisher and colleagues used fMRI (functional magnetic resonance imaging) scans to see how our brains react to our exes.¹ fMRI shows you where the blood flow is in the brain, and increased blood flow means increased activity, so these scans enable us to see which brain areas “light up” under different conditions.

The participants, 10 women and 5 men who had recently been broken up with but were still in love, were shown pictures of their ex-partner and of another familiar person for comparison, with distraction tasks in between.

The fMRIs showed activation in the same brain areas that activate when people experience cocaine cravings, as well as motivation, gain and loss, and emotion regulation. The authors suggested that the activation of areas involved in cocaine addiction might help to explain why we can become so obsessive when we feel rejected.

Break the Pathways, Break the Pattern

This can help us understand why going no contact can be so painful at first, but easier than maintaining contact over time: those reward areas of the brain start off firing on all cylinders looking for your ex’s attention, but the connections in your brain follow the “use it or lose it” rule – the less you activate those connections, the more your brain prunes them back.

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This means that, eventually, if you don’t give your reward pathways the attention they crave from your ex, the “ex = reward” connections die out. You stop craving contact with your ex, and any contact you do receive later down the line doesn’t feel rewarding anymore. However, if you maintain contact with your ex, you maintain those brain reward pathway connections that keep you wanting more when you’re separated.

Note: these exact mechanisms have yet to be studied in this context – these are hypotheses based on what we do already know about the brain.

The Stages of No Contact

Because your brain is craving your partner’s attention, going no contact is very difficult at first. This is okay and normal – it doesn’t mean you’ve made the wrong choice. Remember, contacting them feeds those brain reward pathways that keep the craving alive, so each time you overcome the urge to do it, you take a step towards feeling better later on.

However, not every day will feel better than the last. Grieving a breakup is still grief, and this often comes in waves. You might be fine one day and feel dreadful the next, or even feel like your mood changes from hour to hour. Feeling worse when you felt better before doesn’t mean you’re failing – healing is non-linear.

Breaking the no contact rule might be more tempting on some days than others, especially on days you can find an excuse, like birthdays and holidays. But, until contacting them no longer provides a sense of relief or excitement, sticking to no contact can help you to stay on track on your healing journey.

No Contact and Attachment Styles

It’s common for people to wonder how no contact affects different attachment styles, particularly when you have an avoidant ex. Going no contact can be much easier or more difficult for some people compared with others, and your attachment style has a lot to do with it.

Anxious Attachment: Why No Contact Feels Impossible

When you have an anxious attachment style, going no contact can feel like your worst case scenario. You crave closeness with your partners, and just because they’re now an ex it doesn’t mean that your attachment system isn’t activated by them.

In fact, your attachment system may be going into overdrive to try to get that closeness back. You may have learned in infancy that intense displays of emotion and expressing your needs can get them met, and your sense of self-esteem might depend on whether this works or not. This can make it feel threatening to your core self when an attachment is disrupted, and lead you to do things you normally wouldn’t to restore the connection.

This is why no contact can be very difficult for anxious attachment styles, even if it was your idea. However, because you have the hardest time letting people go, you actually stand to gain the most from going no contact.

Dismissive-Avoidant: Why They Feel Relief First

If you have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, you might feel relieved by no contact at first – intimacy can feel threatening, so the removal of this threat can feel like a weight lifted. However, you can still feel sad about the breakup at the same time. There might still be a sense of loss, or a sense that your underlying belief that others don’t stick around was proven right.

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After a breakup, people with dismissive-avoidant attachment styles have actually been shown to suffer the most and take longer to feel less in love, in part because they don’t tend to have the skills to cope with the emotions that eventually surface.²^,3

Fearful-Avoidant: The Push-Pull During No Contact

If you have the fearful-avoidant attachment style, you have both high attachment anxiety and high attachment avoidance. This can lead to a confusing mix of feelings similar to both the anxious and dismissive-avoidant experiences.

Secure: Healthy Coping with No Contact

If you have a secure attachment style, you can still feel sad about the breakup and find no contact difficult. However, you might have better coping skills and a more thorough support network than people with insecure attachment styles, so it can be easier to manage these emotions and urges to break the no contact rule.

Did you know your attachment style can change? If you don’t know your attachment style, take our free attachment quiz and find out your levels of attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance now.

How Long Should No Contact Last?

There’s no set rule for how long you should maintain no contact – every breakup is different, and the length of time you need to heal depends on lots of different factors like your attachment style, support system, and the nature of your previous relationship. The “30 day rule” is a popular theory, but it’s not grounded in psychological research.

Studies have found that contact within the first 28 days slows the natural decline in feelings of love and sadness, but this study only measured the first 28 days post-breakup – so we don’t know whether they would have continued to find the same results later on.²

Ultimately, no contact should last as long as you need it to. If you’re still feeling intense emotions and urges to make contact to find relief, you may not be ready to make contact again.

How Do You Know No Contact Is Actually Working?

Signs It’s Working on You

Ironically, one of the best ways to tell the no contact rule is working is when you don’t feel the pull to make contact anymore. It’s okay to still want to know that your ex is doing well, but when you’re starting to feel better, you might feel a sense of acceptance and comfort with the separation rather than a need to know that they’re okay.

Instead of thinking about contacting them, you might spend more time thinking about other social relationships, work, or hobbies.

Signs No Contact Is Working on an Avoidant Ex

It can be tempting to use no contact to try to get the attention of an avoidant ex, but ultimately, this doesn’t help you to move on.

People with avoidant attachment styles feel safer when there’s distance, so no contact could, in theory, lead to them feeling emotionally safe enough to reach out again. However, if the only reason they feel safe is because of the distance, then they are likely to feel uncomfortable again when the distance is closed and repeat the behaviors that led to the breakup.

This is the dismissive-avoidant cycle, and it can only be broken when they learn to feel more secure with closeness. This isn’t something you can force – in order to make genuine change, people have to want to change. For more information about breaking up with someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, check out our article: Do Dismissive-Avoidants Come Back?

Do Men and Women React to No Contact Differently?

There’s a common belief that men and women process breakups differently, but the existing literature suggests that gender differences in breakups are actually smaller than we think.⁴ However, some studies find it difficult to recruit male participants – in one study, men did not participate because they didn’t want to talk about the experience or preferred to “get over things and forget about it”.² This means that the data we do have tends to skew towards women, so it might reflect women’s experiences more strongly than men’s.

Should You Ever Reach Out to Break No Contact?

Firstly, it’s important to consider who set boundaries around no contact – if it was you, and your ex remained open to contact, it might be okay to reach out. If your ex was the one who wanted no contact, or if boundaries were mutually agreed, it’s a good idea to respect your ex’s boundaries.

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Closure vs. Reconciliation

Feelings of acceptance and closure often come from within. You might be able to imagine a scenario in which your ex gives you closure, but these conversations often don’t play out the way we expect them to.

If you’re considering reaching out for closure, ask yourself the following questions first:

Am I hoping for a specific outcome? (E.g. closure, reconciliation, relief)
Will I be very upset if the conversation doesn’t go the way I want it to?
Do I already feel very anxious about the idea of making contact?

If the answers to any of these questions are “yes”, consider waiting until you’re ready to cope with the emotional impact and accept any outcome. It’s easy to convince ourselves that we want closure when we’re really hoping for reconciliation – be brutally honest with yourself about what you’re really looking for before taking action.

The Idealization Trap

We can also fall into the trap of idealizing previous partners – in other words, looking at the relationship through rose-tinted glasses. When we do this, we forget the negative things that might have contributed to the breakup and focus only on the positives. Ideally, we want to take a balanced view, learning from the negatives and appreciating the positives.

Conclusion

Going no contact is popular dating advice, but it’s best used to help you move on rather than to get your ex’s attention. Reminders of your ex activate reward areas in the brain, so we can theorize that going no contact could actually have neurobiological effects that speed up your healing process.

Understanding your attachment style can help you to understand your feelings about no contact and decide whether it’s right for you. It takes time and consistency, but you will, eventually, feel acceptance and peace about your breakup.

If you do decide to reach out, make sure you’re honest and clear with yourself – and your ex – about your real intentions. If your ex wanted to go no contact too, it may be a better idea to respect their boundaries.

FAQs About the No Contact Rule

What is the no contact rule?

The no contact rule is an agreement between exes that there will be no contact at all after the breakup. Some agree on a set time period, some go no contact indefinitely. This can include deleting or blocking on social media – although, if this is done without warning, this could be considered ghosting.

How long should no contact last?

No contact should last as long as you need it to – although pop-psychology raises the “30 day rule”, there’s no psychological research suggesting that 30 days is the ideal time period. Each breakup is different, and the amount of time you need to feel better will vary.

Will an avoidant come back after no contact?

People with the dismissive-avoidant attachment style might come back after no contact, because the anxiety they can feel about closeness has been removed. However, if they only come back because the separation makes them feel safe to, they are likely to need space again when closeness resumes.

Why does no contact feel so hard for anxious attachment?

No contact can be particularly difficult for people with high attachment anxiety because their attachment system is wired to reach out when the connection feels at risk. When separated, an anxious attachment system hyperactivates, or goes into overdrive, to try to restore the connection. This is associated with intense emotions and difficulty controlling impulses.

Is no contact manipulation?

No contact could be considered manipulative if it is solely being used to try to induce certain emotions or behavior in someone else. However, no contact can be useful to help you move on from a relationship, and it can be handled respectfully when used in this way.

References

Fisher HE, Brown LL, Aron A, Strong G, Mashek D. Reward, addiction, and emotion regulation systems associated with rejection in love. Journal of neurophysiology. 2010 Jul;104(1):51-60.
Sbarra DA, Emery RE. The emotional sequelae of nonmarital relationship dissolution: Analysis of change and intraindividual variability over time. Personal Relationships. 2005 Jun;12(2):213-32.
Gehl K, Brassard A, Dugal C, Lefebvre AA, Daigneault I, Francoeur A, Lecomte T. Attachment and breakup distress: The mediating role of coping strategies. Emerging Adulthood. 2024 Feb;12(1):41-54.
Lewandowski Jr GW, Bizzoco NM. Addition through subtraction: Growth following the dissolution of a low quality relationship. The Journal of Positive Psychology. 2007 Jan 1;2(1):40-54.