What Is ROCD? Understanding Relationship OCD and Its Effects

If you’ve ever found yourself dwelling on thoughts and fears about your relationship, you might understand the experience of “relationship OCD“. This is not to say that everyone who has this experience has relationship OCD, also known as ROCD – but some might. In this article, we’ll help you to understand the difference between regular relationship worries and ROCD.

Many of us have heard of OCD, or “Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder”. In recent years, relationship OCD has received increasing levels of attention in the media and in self-help spaces. In brief, ROCD is OCD with symptoms relating to relationships – but we’ll get deeper into this.

This article discusses the core concepts of ROCD, including the obsessions and compulsions in relationship OCD, relationship OCD symptoms, causes of ROCD, its impact on life, as well as some tips on how to manage relationship OCD.

What Is Relationship OCD?

When you have relationship OCD, you experience intrusive thoughts about your relationships which may be triggered by external events (like watching a romantic movie) or internal feelings (like guilt or jealousy)¹, ². Instead of letting these thoughts go, you try to make sense of them by coming to irrational conclusions, such as “I didn’t feel anything when we kissed, so I must not love them anymore”. This might make you feel more guilt or shame, or compulsively look for reassurance from your partner, which can feed a continuous cycle of obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors.

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Relationship OCD Versus Limerence

Limerence, an intense pattern of thoughts and feelings about a person of interest or “crush”, is also described as obsessive and often compared with OCD.

However, limerence describes a very specific scenario in which we idealize, over-analyze, and fantasize about another person who we may not have any existing relationship with. The focus of ROCD tends to be the opposite – the object of our ROCD is already in our lives, but we are fixated on something negative or potentially threatening to the relationship.

The Obsessions and Compulsions in Relationship OCD

Obsessive compulsions in ROCD are typically grouped into 2 separate categories: relationship-focused and partner-focused. Both of these symptoms usually happen at the same time, and each can trigger the other³.

In ROCD, these symptoms are “ego-dystonic”, meaning they don’t align with your actual experience of the relationship. This is what makes them so distressing and leads to flawed rationalizing and compulsive behavior – if you truly believed the intrusive thoughts you had about your relationship or your partner, you wouldn’t need to justify them or find ways to counteract them.

Some examples of relationship OCD symptoms include:

Examples of ROCD

#1. Relationship-Focused OCD Example

Yvonne is 32 years old and is in a long-term relationship with her partner, Hasan. Yvonne has had relationships in the past, but something was different with Hasan; she found him to be smart, he possessed similar values to her, and they shared the same goals.

Recently, Hasan has been indicating that he would like to settle down permanently with Yvonne, bringing up the topic of marriage and buying a home together. Ever since he brought up these topics, Yvonne cannot stop thinking about their relationship. She constantly asks herself, “Is he really the one for me?”, “What if there’s someone better for me out there?”, And, “Would I be making a huge mistake by committing to him?”

Even while at work, Yvonne analyzes how much she thinks about Hasan and what it means for their relationship if she’s not constantly thinking about him positively. If she notices that he does something she doesn’t approve of, she is consumed by thoughts such as “We must not be compatible.” Yvonne has started to become increasingly distressed, but the more distressed she becomes, the more she obsesses about the relationship, affecting her romance with Hasan, work progress, and social life.

#2. Partner-Focused OCD Example

Michael and Elijah have been together for three years and married for one. Michael admires Elijah’s intelligence, looks, and personality. Yet, for the past five months, Michael has been becoming increasingly distressed about how his husband measures up against other people. He cannot get the thought, “What if I could have married someone better?” out of his mind.

Every time Michael meets friends’ partners or sees a clever social media comment, he thinks, “Elijah’s not as funny or witty as this person”, and feels immediately guilty for thinking this way. He tries to rationalize his thoughts by compulsively watching other people, admiring what they say, how they act, and how they look – leading to even more guilt.

Michael knows that Elijah is intelligent, engaging, and attractive. Even so, he cannot stop thinking the way he is – it is consuming his life. Michael is constantly distracted and easily irritated, and his thoughts are beginning to negatively impact his relationship.

Causes of Relationship OCD

Relationship OCD is thought to be caused by a combination of biological and environmental factors⁴. Studies have found that people with OCD have differences in brain structure and function in areas related to emotional processing, decision-making, and impulse control. OCD and ROCD also tend to run in families, suggesting a genetic predisposition.

Our cultural experiences can also play a big role in ROCD – for example, if your culture places high importance on a partner’s attractiveness or your ability to find “the one”, you might be more likely to worry about these things in a relationship. Previous relationship experiences may also impact ROCD, such as infidelity or high conflict.

Traits like perfectionism, low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, and low emotional regulation can also make you more susceptible to relationship OCD by increasing sensitivity to perceived relationship threats – much like an anxious attachment style.

Relationship OCD and Attachment

Your attachment style forms in childhood and goes on to shape how you feel about yourself, others, and your relationships. In adults, we measure attachment on two domains: anxiety and avoidance. This gives 4 possible attachment styles: secure (low anxiety, low avoidance), anxious (high anxiety, low avoidance), avoidant (low anxiety, high avoidant), and fearful-avoidant (high anxiety, high avoidant).

Attachment anxiety has been closely linked with ROCD, particularly when combined with self-worth that is low or dependent on the relationship¹. Attachment avoidance has also been found to predict ROCD, although the relationship between avoidance and ROCD is less strong than the relationship between attachment anxiety and ROCD⁵.

It could be that attachment insecurity in any form makes ROCD more likely because it comes with a lower ability to process emotions, making it more difficult to ignore or understand intrusive thoughts. This happens in both attachment anxiety, where emotions can feel too big to manage, and attachment avoidance, where emotions can be pushed down instead of processed.

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Impact of Relationship OCD on Daily Life

Living with relationship OCD can have significant impacts on your daily life. If you are living with ROCD, you may struggle to focus on and complete even simple daily tasks. Activities such as work, social engagements, and downtime can become overtaken by intrusive thoughts and anxiety. Sleep can also be affected, leading to exhaustion and a reduced quality of life.

Reduced mental resources leads to difficulty concentrating and procrastination, which can cause disruptions in your professional life. Poor performance at work or in school can lead to increased stress and anxiety, which may further fuel your worries about your relationship.

This is just one way in which relationship OCD can hinder romantic connections. When you have ROCD, you may struggle to articulate your feelings, seek constant reassurance, exhibit retroactive jealousy, and constantly compare your relationship and partner to others. Consequently, the relationship will likely suffer – and without effective intervention, it may even come to an end.

How to Manage Relationship OCD

There’s no standardized treatment for ROCD, but cognitive approaches have so far been the most highly recommended⁴. These approaches are similar to those used in OCD, which are based on the premise that everybody has intrusive thoughts sometimes – it’s how we interpret and respond to them that decides whether or not they result in distress.

This typically starts with “psychoeducation”, or learning about the mechanisms behind ROCD. Finding out more about ROCD gives you and your partner the chance to understand more about your experiences, and it can be comforting to know that there’s an explanation. If you intend to learn more about ROCD on your own, try to look for reputable sources and content that’s been properly researched and referenced.

In cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), you can learn to understand how triggers lead to obsessions and the interactions they have with your emotions, behavior, and physical sensations, and the impact this process has on your experiences.

Cognitive restructuring is a technique used to challenge maladaptive, or unhelpful, beliefs. In this process, a therapist will support you to look for evidence for and against these beliefs and test other possible explanations. This helps you to come to a more rational conclusion and teaches you the skills to evaluate intrusive thoughts in the future.

If you’re not able to work with a therapist just yet, you can still look for self-help tools to help you with maladaptive beliefs and emotional regulation. It can also be helpful to practice self-compassion – recognize that you’re doing your best with what you have right now, and by learning more about ROCD you have already begun the journey to healthier relationships.

Frequently Asked Questions About Relationship OCD

What Is Relationship OCD?

Relationship OCD is a subtype of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). ROCD is characterized by significant doubts, anxieties, obsessions, and compulsions around significant relationships, including romantic partners. These concerns can be focused on the relationship in general (relationship-focused ROCD), or on the individual’s partner (partner-focused ROCD). People with ROCD typically experience both.

What Are the Early Signs of Relationship OCD?

Everybody experiences doubts about relationships from time to time – even meaningful, long-lasting ones. Relationship OCD can be subtle at first. However, ROCD progresses to persistent, intrusive doubts about the relationship, overanalyzing partner’s flaws, compulsive reassurance seeking, consistent comparison making, and anxieties.

How to Distinguish Normal Doubts from Relationship OCD

Distinguishing normal relationship doubts from relationship OCD can be tough in the early stages, as doubts about relationships are normal. However, a distinguishing characteristic of ROCD is the frequency, intensity, and irrationality of these doubts. Normal doubts can come and go, but ROCD is persistent, intrusive, and overwhelming.

Final Words on Relationship OCD

Relationship OCD is much more intense than normal relationship worries – it can be debilitating, even, as it eclipses everything else in your life and leads you to act compulsively against your own wants. Everybody has doubts and even intrusive thoughts from time to time, but if you suspect you have relationship OCD, it may be in you and your partner’s best interests to find a therapist who can help you to understand your experiences and challenge your beliefs.

You’re not going through this alone – remember to practice self-compassion, and know that things can and will improve with time, patience, and intention.

References

1. Doron G, Derby DS, Szepsenwol O. Relationship obsessive compulsive disorder (ROCD): A conceptual framework. Journal of Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders. 2014 Apr 1;3(2):169-80.
2. Doron G, Derby D, Szepsenwol O, Nahaloni E, Moulding R. Relationship obsessive–compulsive disorder: Interference, symptoms, and maladaptive beliefs. Frontiers in Psychiatry. 2016 Apr 18;7:58.
3. Melli G, Bulli F, Doron G, Carraresi C. Maladaptive beliefs in relationship obsessive compulsive disorder (ROCD): Replication and extension in a clinical sample. Journal of Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders. 2018 Jul 1;18:47-53.
4. Prasko J, Ociskova M, Krone I, Burkauskas J, Gecaite-Stonciene J, Hodny F, Abeltina M, Slepecky M. A narrative review of relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder: Characteristics, causes and cognitive-behavioural interventions. Neuroendocrinology Letters. 2024 Jan 1;45(4).
5. Doron G, Derby DS, Szepsenwol O, Talmor D. Tainted love: Exploring relationship-centered obsessive compulsive symptoms in two non-clinical cohorts. Journal of Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders. 2012 Jan 1;1(1):16-24.