Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style: Causes and Impact on Life

The fearful avoidant attachment style (known as disorganized in children) develops as a response to the bond a child forms with their primary caregiver(s) during the main formative period of childhood. Through how caregivers meet their needs, a child forms an internal working model of relationships, the world, and their place in it.

A distinctive contributory factor in the development of the fearful avoidant attachment style is perceived fear – in some cases, as the result of childhood trauma or abuse. This fear continues into adulthood as part of our mentalization of relationships, causing people with fearful avoidant attachment to deeply desire love, but also feel intensely frightened of it.

Although the fearful avoidant attachment style is considered to be the most distressing of the styles due to how it forms, it is entirely possible to achieve positive change and shift towards more secure attachment. This article can help you start this process through targeting the following topics:

• What the fearful avoidant attachment style is
• The signs of fearful avoidant attachment in adults
• Attachment theory and the other forms of attachment
• The causes of fearful avoidant attachment – including how disorganized attachment develops in children
• How to cope with fearful avoidant attachment

What Is the Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style?

The fearful-avoidant attachment style (also commonly known as disorganized attachment) is one of the three insecure attachment styles: anxious/preoccupied, avoidant/dismissive, and fearful avoidant.

The signs of the fearful-avoidant attachment style typically include the ones listed below. However, it’s important to be mindful that attachment styles are a spectrum (or dimensions) on which people can shift over the course of their lifetime according to experiences and circumstances. Therefore, if you have a fearful avoidant attachment style, you may notice that you embody some of these symptoms, but not all. This is normal.

Furthermore, even though the fearful avoidant attachment style has a very different developmental pathway, its traits often alternate between those of both the avoidant and anxious dimensions of attachment. This is a key distinction when comparing fearful avoidant vs dismissive avoidant patterns. Therefore, depending on your unique circumstances, you may highly experience the symptoms of one dimension, but not so much those of the other.

The Signs of Fearful-Avoidant Attachment in Adults

• Both desiring and intensely fearing emotional closeness and intimacy with others
• Inconsistent or incoherent patterns of behaviors
• Extreme difficulties trusting others
• Negative view of self and others
• Emotional regulation difficulties, including extreme outbursts of emotions
• Alternating between over-disclosures of emotional information and withdrawal
• A “push-pull” pattern of behaviors
• Lack of healthy coping strategies during times of stress – such as impulsive behaviors
• Dissociation from uncomfortable emotions
• A strong belief that others will hurt them

The Other Adult Attachment Styles and Attachment Theory

Attachment theory was developed by psychoanalyst and psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1950s to account for the role of early caregiver-child bonds on socio-emotional development. In opposition to the psychoanalysis’ stance at the time that emotional problems can solely be attributed to internal processes, Bowlby postulated that such issues arise from how a child interacts with their environment in their early years.

The core concept of attachment theory is how parental sensitivity to a baby’s cues shapes the attachment style the child develops. By parental sensitivity, we mean the caregiver’s capacity to notice the differences between their child’s cries, interpret these cues accurately, and respond to them consistently and correctly. 

The more sensitive or attuned a caregiver is to their child, the more likely the child is to develop a secure attachment style. A secure attachment style means that a child is more likely to explore their environment with confidence, while also maintaining proximity with their caregiver as their presence indicates safety.

In contrast, a child who develops an insecure attachment style as a result of insensitive parenting tends to remain vigilant and stressed when exploring, even when their caregiver is nearby.

What Causes the Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style?

Attachment styles develop as a response to the bond we form with our primary caregiver(s) during the main formative period of childhood (typically the first eighteen months of life). Through how parents or caregivers meet their child’s needs, the child forms expectations about their world and the people in it.

Insecure attachment styles, in general, result from perceived unmet needs. As a result, a child doesn’t feel safe exploring their environment – regardless of whether or not their caregiver is present. However, as opposed to how the anxious and avoidant attachment styles develop from parental misattunement, the disorganized/fearful avoidant attachment style has quite specific origins.

The Development of Disorganized/Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style in Children

The causes of the fearful-avoidant/disorganized attachment style are typically rooted in perceived fear. In some extreme cases, this fear is the result of childhood trauma or fear. Innately, an infant or child understands that their survival depends on their caregivers, so they seek safety in them. However, a problem arises when caregivers – instead of being a source of safety – become a source of fear.

If the caregivers show highly contrasting behavior, which is inconsistent and unpredictable, the child can start fearing for their safety. The child does not know what to expect. Nor do they know when the caregiver will meet their needs, if at all.

Another potential reason for such fear is if the child witnesses a traumatizing experience that involves the attachment figure. For instance, if the caregiver abuses the child (verbally, physically, or sexually) or if the child witnesses the caregiver abuse someone else.

As a result, children with a disorganized attachment style are not able to truly adapt to their caregivers’ behavior, as they are never able to predict what comes next. The child understands that they cannot rely on their caregiver to meet their physical or emotional needs. 

In terms of behaviors, children with a disorganized attachment style often lack coherence: They might seek closeness with their caregivers as they desire affection and love, but at the same time, they may reject their caregivers’ proximity and distance themselves, due to fear.

How to Cope with Fearful Avoidant Attachment

The fearful avoidant attachment style is considered to be the most psychologically distressing of the insecure styles – but with the right knowledge it is entirely possible to cope. The following are some ways to cope with fearful avoidant attachment.

Educate yourself on your attachment style

Understanding how your attachment style developed and still influences your adult emotions and actions is one of the most effective ways of coping. Developing self-awareness includes understanding your triggers and how your attachment system is primed to respond to these. Once you recognize these triggers and reactions, you can start implementing self-soothing strategies such as self-care, mindfulness, and cognitive exercises to start responding in more regulated ways. 

Practice open communication and active listening

Understanding where your emotions come from and communicating them openly is a healthier way of managing them than bottling them up or allowing them to explode (internally or externally). Communicating openly can also strengthen relational bonds as you’re demonstrating trust and emotional availability to another person.

Plus, actively listening to a loved one can help you better understand their intentions and facilitate the relational bond. Active listening includes not only listening to the words the other person is saying, but also what they’re not saying by paying attention to body language, facial expressions and so on.

Advocate for your needs

The fearful avoidant attachment style originates from a childhood in which fear is present, so essential needs remain unmet. As adults, people with this attachment style need to identify these needs and how to meet them in healthy ways. According to Jeff Young’s schema therapy, we have five core emotional needs. These are:

1. The need for secure attachments to others
2. The need for autonomy, competence, and a sense of identity
3. The need to feel free to express our needs and emotions
4. The need for spontaneity and play 
5. The need for realistic boundaries and self-control

Consider each of these needs and how you feel they’re currently being met. What actions can you take to have these needs met? Can you communicate non-confrontationally to someone close to you (such as a partner) how they could help you get these needs met? Do you need to take weekly “Me-Time”? Can you increase the amount of social support you’re receiving?

Consider therapy 

Some people with fearful avoidant attachment may benefit from self-directed approaches such as workbooks or courses, but those with deeply ingrained trauma may respond better to therapy. Therapy is an excellent environment for rewriting mental representations of relationships, building trust, increasing knowledge of attitudes and actions, learning how to regulate emotions healthily – and transferring these skills to other relationships. 

Fearful Avoidant Attachment Digital Workbook

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FAQS on Disorganized/Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style

We understand that the fearful avoidant attachment style can cause a lot of distress and resentment from childhood. For this reason, if you have any remaining questions on the disorganized or fearful avoidant attachment style, the following answers to frequently asked questions may help.

Where does fearful avoidant attachment come from?

The fearful avoidant attachment style (or disorganized attachment in childhood) typically results from formative years in which core needs are left unmet by a primary caregiver. Although all of the insecure attachment styles result from the perception of unmet needs, how the disorganized attachment style forms is unique as it results from a perception of fear. This fear may result from chaotic or unpredictable caregiver behaviors, trauma, or abuse. A childhood in which a caregiver is both a source of fear and safety creates a mentalization of relationships moving forward in life. Therefore, causing someone with this attachment style to both intensely desire and fear relationships. 

It’s also important to note that while most cases of fearful avoidant attachment are the result of childhood experiences, some people may encounter traumatic experiences after childhood which may result in this attachment style. An example of such may include abusive relationships.

 Why am I fearful avoidant?

You may be fearful avoidant because you both deeply desire and intensely fear relationships. This conflicting attitude may be the result of a childhood in which primary caregiver(s) were a source of both safety and fear, perhaps as the result of trauma or abuse (emotional or physical). Such conditions can cause a child to form an internal working model for relationships moving forward, and, thus, view romantic connections in adulthood as both desirable and frightening. 

How common is fearful avoidant attachment style?

The fearful-avoidant attachment style is not that common, reportedly occurring in only 7% of the population. However, findings from The Attachment Project’s data demonstrate that over 25% of our sample have fearful avoidant attachment, and that it’s particularly present in the 18-24 age range. It is worth noting that people likely come to our website due to relational difficulties, so this may be a high representation.

How to fix fearful avoidant attachment style

The fearful avoidant attachment style is considered to be the style that causes the most distress due to how it develops. However, it is possible to shift from fearful avoidant to secure attachment patterns. Therapy is considered to be the best route for starting the process of change, as a therapist can help facilitate trust and demonstrate healthy methods of emotion regulation within the therapeutic dynamic. Alternatively, self-directed routes such as workbooks, relationships with people with a secure attachment style, and strategies such as those listed within this article can also help. 

Is disorganized attachment the same as fearful avoidant?

You may notice that the terms “disorganized” and “fearful avoidant” are used interchangeably for this attachment style. Generally speaking, disorganized is the term used for childhood, and fearful avoidant for adulthood. This is due to how, during the initial classification stages of attachment styles, Mary Main noticed that there was a subgroup of children with “disorganized” patterns of behaviors which didn’t fit within the other classifications. However, fearful avoidant is more appropriate for adult patterns of behaviors, in which individuals with this style display incoherency around pushing for intimacy yet retreating from it out of fear. 

Sources:

Bowlby, J. (2012). A Secure Base: Clinical Applications of Attachment Theory. London: Routledge.

Brown, D. P., Elliott, D. S. (2016). Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair. New York: W.W. Norton.

Salter, M.D., Ainsworth, M.C., Blehar, E.W., Wall, S.N. (2015). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. New York: Taylor & Francis.