Attachment Styles and Friendship: How Early Bonds Shape Adult Connections

Do you find yourself feeling anxious when your friends seem absent, and trying hard to bring them close to you again? Or, do you find that you’re the friend who pulls away when the friendship starts to feel too close? If so, this might be because you have an insecure attachment style – yes, even when it comes to your friendships.

We usually talk about attachment theory in relation to your parents in childhood, or your romantic partners in adulthood. But attachment theory goes well beyond these relationships, describing how we interact with ourselves and the rest of the world, including our relationships with friends and even work colleagues.

Your attachment style influences every aspect of your friendships, from how you form them, how you keep them, and even how you end them. In this article, we’ll explain why your attachment style is so important in your friendships, what each attachment style looks like in friendships, and how you can work on more secure attachment patterns within your friendships.

DISCOVER YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE

Why Attachment Matters More in Friendships Than We Realize

Our attachments to our caregivers are our most important attachments as infants, and these go on to influence the friendships we develop throughout childhood¹. Our parents or caregivers remain the most influential attachments until we reach adolescence, where attachment functions start to transfer from our parents to our peers².

These attachments to our friends shape the quality of our friendships, which are important factors in how positively we feel about our lives³. Positive relationships with friends have even been found to buffer against the negative effects of a poor romantic relationship, and the benefits of friendships are greater for people who are married³.

As our world becomes increasingly digital, the quality of our real-world friendships becomes more and more important. We are reporting record feelings of isolation, often called “the loneliness epidemic”, and many adults find it difficult to make new friends. Nurturing secure attachments to our existing friends could be one of the most important things we can do for our wellbeing.

What is Attachment Theory in Friendships?

First, let’s make sure we understand how attachment theory applies to friendships. Your very first attachment to your caregiver builds an internal working model, which is like a mental map of relationships based on these early experiences. If your caregiver is attentive and trustworthy, you build an internal working model that other people will generally be attentive and trustworthy.

Researchers have found that these early internal working models go on to influence how we interact with our first friends; lower attachment security at age 3 is associated with higher rates of peer rejection and challenging behaviors at age 4-5¹.

Some social psychologists suggest a hierarchical structure for attachment systems²:

In this model, each level influences the one below it. So, if your general attachment style is secure, this influences your attachment style with your friends, which might also be secure. Since this influences your attachment relationships, you might be more securely attached to Ana and Brent – but, if you have particular clashes or communication difficulties with Cris, you can still have an insecure attachment relationship with them.

This illustrates that our internal working model does influence our relationships, but it isn’t the only factor. Your internal working model is also changeable with time and experience.

Attachment as Your Friendship Blueprint

Thanks to our internal working models, our attachment styles at all levels function as an unconscious guide for navigating friendships. They become a mental filter through which we interpret our friends’ behaviors.

For example, if your friend doesn’t reply to your message for a long time, what do you assume is the reason? If you’re securely attached to them, you likely assume that they’re busy and they’ll get back to you as soon as they can. If you’re insecurely attached, you might assume that their silence means they no longer care about your friendship and they must be ghosting you.

It can be difficult not to act on these assumptions. Even though they can be far from objective reality, your attachment system has a strong influence on your emotions and behaviors because it was designed for survival.

How Friendship Attachment Differs from Romantic Attachment

This attachment system is the same, whether it’s in relation to your partner, parents, or friends. However, the meaning and strength of these attachments are often different. Our romantic relationships have different dynamics compared with our platonic relationships, and conflict with your partner might look very different to conflict with your friends.

Many people experience stronger attachment system responses in romantic relationships. This could be because we tend to spend more time and invest more deeply in romantic partners, especially as we get older. Attachment anxiety or attachment avoidance can therefore cause more challenges in romantic relationships than in friendships, as the perceived risk of rejection can feel much higher.

This doesn’t mean that this can’t happen in friendships, and many people do feel that their closest friendships are just as important as, or more important than, their romantic relationships. If this is you, you might experience more intense attachment reactions with your friends. The same can be true for parents, colleagues, or any important attachment in your own life.

How Attachment Patterns Show Up Most in Friendships

In romantic relationships, attachment behaviors emerge most strongly when the relationship feels under threat – platonic relationships are no different.

People with insecure attachment styles when it comes to their friendships report finding it difficult to make friends, let alone keep them. People high in attachment anxiety generally view others positively and are more likely to reach out to friends for support, but also worry that their friends don’t value them as much as they value their friends⁴.

On the other hand, people high in attachment avoidance tend to view others negatively and are more likely to judge their friends and perceive that they don’t live up to their ideal standards⁴.

This might be part of the reason why securely attached people tend to have more close friends, with research suggesting that they maintain attachment networks of around 7-8 people compared with 1-2 people for insecurely attached individuals⁵.

DISCOVER YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE

Moments That Trigger Attachment Responses

Any time the relationship feels under threat could trigger an attachment response. This could be during an argument or disagreement, during a period of separation (planned or unplanned), or another perceived threat such as feelings of jealousy about a new friend. Common examples include:

• Your friend doesn’t text you back, but they post online
• You disagree about an emotionally-charged subject and fail to reach an agreement
• Your friend has been too busy to see you in person for a long time
• Your friend has a new job or hobby and spends a lot of time with their new social group
• Your friend wants to talk about a problem they’re experiencing in your relationship

These things don’t have to spell the end of your friendship, but sensitive attachment systems can perceive them this way. This can trigger attachment anxiety, attachment avoidance, or both, depending on your attachment style.

The Four Attachment Styles in Friendships

We know how your attachment style shows up in romantic relationships, but what about friendships? The patterns are very much the same:

Secure Attachment in Friendships

If you have a secure friendship attachment, you are comfortable feeling close with your friends and building trust with them. You don’t panic that they might be done with you when they go quiet, instead assuming they must be busy or gently reaching out to check they’re okay. You know that they’ll be back when they can, and that they’ll still be there for you if you need them.

Anxious Attachment in Friendships

If you have an anxious friendship attachment, you find it easy to trust and rely on friends but you might lean on them a little too much. You can feel distressed and upset when they take too long to respond, and you might send them several texts in a short period of time to try to re-establish contact. You might feel needy or clingy.

Avoidant Attachment in Friendships: Distance and Self-Reliance

If you have an avoidant friendship attachment, you can find it difficult to build trust and closeness with friends. You might tend to be the friend who pulls away, stops replying, or doesn’t have time to meet up in person. If you don’t hear from someone for a long time, you might assume that they don’t want to talk to you, but this doesn’t bother you too much. You likely don’t reach out to check on them. You might want closer friends, but feel you don’t know how to maintain those friendships.

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment in Friendships: The Push-Pull Dynamic

If you have a fearful-avoidant friendship attachment, you have both attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance. You might react in either way, seemingly with no pattern or reason. When your avoidance successfully pushes people away, your anxiety can kick in to try to get them back, yet when your anxiety successfully pulls people in, your avoidance can push them away again. This push-pull can feel confusing and dramatic in relationships.

The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy in Friendships

These insecure patterns in friendship attachment can create self-fulfilling prophecies. When avoidance and anxiety ultimately push our friends away, we reinforce the idea that they won’t stick around when we need them.

One study found that young adolescents with negative social expectations took fewer social risks, which lead to difficulties in social functioning as adults – demonstrating how our negative expectations can be the source of the outcome we fear⁶.

How Secure People Navigate Friendships Differently

Securely attached friendships aren’t perfect all of the time, but conflict can be easier to recover from because a secure attachment style enables you to consider another perspective and communicate more effectively. Instead of panicking and pushing your friend away, you’re able to focus on the real problem and solve it together.

When you’re securely attached to a friend, you know that they’re there for you even when they’re busy with their own life, and you don’t worry that they might have suddenly changed their mind. You build trust easily with them without oversharing at the wrong time, and they can rely on you as much as you can rely on them.

Healing Your Attachment Patterns in Friendships

If you want to build more secure friendships, this is possible to achieve. Your attachment patterns can change over time and tend to become more secure when you have more positive experiences.

The first step is understanding attachment and your own attachment style. Which of the above descriptions of attachment styles in friendships rings true for you? Remember, you might not have the same attachment style with friends as you do with romantic partners or family. Your general attachment style might influence your attachment to your friends – you can find this out via our free attachment quiz.

Knowing your attachment style is only the first step. The next is understanding how this affects your relationships and putting secure behaviors into practice – if you send lots of texts when your friend doesn’t reply, how might this make them feel and what could you do instead? If you’re the friend who finds it difficult to reply, how might this make your friend feel and how could you better maintain your connection?

START YOUR ATTACHMENT HEALING JOURNEY

Practical Strategies for Healthier Friendships

Practicing emotional regulation can be very helpful for people with insecure attachment styles, as this enables you to control your behavior when your attachment system is triggered and communicate without letting your emotions take over.

Mindfulness and practicing naming the emotion you’re feeling can help you to stay present when emotions are running high. Practice these skills while you already feel calm, as this is when your brain is ready to learn – this makes it easier to access these tools when you really need them.

If you have high attachment anxiety, some people find that improving their own feelings of self-worth through new hobbies or regular exercise helps them to regulate their attachment systems. If you have high attachment avoidance, practicing altruistic social behavior like volunteering within your community could help you to build trust with others.

Conclusion

We talk a lot about our romantic attachments and our early attachment experiences, but our attachment styles can play very important roles in our friendships too. Insecurely attached friendships can be difficult to navigate, with all the same pitfalls as insecure romantic attachments, but building secure friendships is possible.

For more information about building attachment security, check out our workbooks.

Frequently Asked Questions

Does attachment style affect friendships?

Yes, you have an attachment style when it comes to your friendships in the same way you have an attachment style with regards to your family and romantic partners.

Can you have different attachment styles with friends versus romantic partners?

Yes, you can have different attachment styles with friends versus romantic partners. You can even have different attachments to different friends.

Why do I get anxious when my friends don’t text back immediately?

If you get anxious when your friends don’t text back immediately, you may have an anxious friendship attachment style.

How do I know if my friend has avoidant attachment?

A friend with an avoidant attachment might find it difficult to build trust and pull away when friendships feel too close.

What does secure attachment look like in friendships?

Secure attachment in friendships looks like good communication, an ability to resolve conflict without the issue spiralling, and trust that your friends will be there for you.

Why do I ghost friends instead of having difficult conversations?

If you ghost friends instead of having difficult conversations, you may be experiencing attachment avoidance in friendships.

Can therapy help change my attachment style in friendships?

Therapy can help change your friendship attachment style – there are lots of different kinds of therapy and it’s okay to shop around to find one that works for you. For instance, psychoeducation can be a less confronting way to learn about yourself than talking therapy, particularly for someone with attachment avoidance.

References

1. Wood JJ, Emmerson NA, Cowan PA. Is early attachment security carried forward into relationships with preschool peers?. British Journal of Developmental Psychology. 2004 Jun;22(2):245-53.
2. Oldeman MG, Cillessen AH, van den Berg YH. Friendships in emerging adulthood: The role of parental and friendship attachment representations and intimacy. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. 2025 Apr;51(4):514-29.
3. Kaufman V, Rodriguez A, Walsh LC, Shafranske E, Harrell SP. Unique ways in which the quality of friendships matter for life satisfaction. Journal of Happiness Studies. 2022 Aug;23(6):2563-80.
4. Ai T, Gillath O, Overall NC, Collins TJ. Ideal-perception consistency and regulation of best friends: Associations With attachment anxiety and avoidance. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 2023 Jan;40(1):29-54.
5. Gillath O, Karantzas GC, Lee J. Attachment and social networks. Current opinion in psychology. 2019 Feb 1;25:21-5.
6. Loeb E, Hessel ET, Allen J. The self-fulfilling prophecy of adolescent social expectations. International Journal of Behavioral Development. 2016 Nov;40(6):555-64.