Why Is It So Hard to Set Boundaries with Family?

Setting boundaries is sometimes easier said than done, but this seems to be doubly true when it comes to setting boundaries with family. How can you set boundaries with family when your family dynamics are already so ingrained?

Understanding the processes behind family dynamics and why setting boundaries can be so hard can help you to establish boundaries successfully. By the end of this article, you’ll understand how to set boundaries with family, why family boundaries can be so challenging, and how your attachment style can influence your family dynamics.

What Are Family Boundaries?

Family systems theory by Dr. Salvador Minuchin helps us to understand family relationships through existing boundaries and power dynamics.

In Minuchin’s model, boundaries exist to define the roles of each person in a family, and they vary on a spectrum from rigid to diffuse¹. Minuchin states that extremely rigid boundaries lead to disengagement, in which family members barely interact and not function as a unit. On the other hand, diffuse boundaries can lead to enmeshment, in which family members are overinvolved and too dependent on each other.

The healthy medium involves clear boundaries and an ability to adapt between rigidity and diffusion as needed – sometimes, rigid or diffuse boundaries are necessary to function in a certain situation, but problems arise when there’s no adaptability.

Disengagement and enmeshment have theoretical overlaps with attachment behaviors – if we’re disengaged and boundaries are too rigid, we might be exhibiting attachment avoidance, as these behaviors keep people at arm’s length. If we’re enmeshed and boundaries are too diffuse, we might find it difficult to separate ourselves from others – figuratively and literally.

Bowen’s Differentiation of Self framework notably involves the ability to maintain your own point of view while also relating to others² – in other words, healthy boundaries are strong enough to separate you from others, but flexible enough that you can still support each other. We can conceptually align this with attachment security; we know who we are and have good self-esteem, but we can still lean on others when we need to.

How Attachment and Family Boundaries Influence Each Other

Your attachment style can influence how you set family boundaries, but your family boundaries can also have an influence on your attachment style.

A study at the University of Texas observed mothers’ relationships with their infant children and with their own mothers³. Mothers who remembered feeling accepted by their own mothers as children, and who had the most well balanced boundaries with their mothers at present, were the most balanced with their own infants. These characteristics were also associated with secure infant-mother attachments.

However, memories of feeling overprotected and diffuse current boundaries were both associated with anxious infant-mother attachments. The researchers theorized that the relationships we experience with our parents, both as infants and when we become parents, are recreated with our own children.

The relationships we had as infants weren’t within our control, but as adults with poor boundaries, we have the power to change things.

Differentiation of Self

One way family systems therapists look at your family patterns is through the differentiation of self model, as we mentioned earlier. People who are well differentiated are able to balance both intimacy and autonomy, because they maintain a sense of self while being able to relate to others⁴.

The Differentiation of Self Inventory measures differentiation of self on a 4-factor scale⁵:

• Emotional reactivity: a tendency to react to other people’s emotions with their own strong emotional displays.
• Fusion with others: being emotionally overinvolved with others, taking on other’s beliefs or expectations.
• Emotional cutoff: avoiding intimacy with others because it’s too intolerable – unable to achieve intimacy and autonomy at the same time.
• “I” position: being able to maintain and express a sense of self in relationships.

Differentiation of self has been found to correlate with attachment dimensions: as we might expect, people who have higher attachment avoidance show a higher degree of emotional cutoff, and people who have higher attachment anxiety scores also score higher on emotional reactivity⁶.

In other words, both attachment avoidance and attachment anxiety are associated with poorer differentiation of self, which signals poorer boundaries within family systems. In anxiety, those boundaries might be underdeveloped, while in avoidance they might be overdeveloped, but the ability to be differentiated while relating to others isn’t there in either case.

Why Are Family Boundaries Harder Than Any Other Kind?

While your boundaries with friends and romantic partners can change as needed, boundaries with family might feel rigid and set-in-stone. It’s not unusual to find it more difficult to set boundaries with family than with others; your family’s patterns have been developing for generations, and, as research has suggested, poor boundaries can be passed down from parent to child, generation to generation⁷.

Your family is also where your attachment system first developed. While you might have been able to learn secure attachments to friends and romantic partners, early attachment anxiety or attachment avoidance to parents can be deeply ingrained and may persist beyond childhood.

Registered psychologist Rod Mitchell, MC, MSc, of Emotions Therapy Calgary, tells the Attachment Project:

“What people tend to downplay when it comes to setting limits on a parent or sibling is the guilt. In my clinical experience, that guilt is usually your attachment system responding to the distance, not a sign you’ve done harm. The guilt spikes, and then it goes away.

The traps I see my clients fall into are based on how anxious or avoidant they are. People with an anxious-leaning attachment style have trouble setting a boundary at all. When the other person is upset, they perceive it as a threat to the bond and soften the boundary. Avoidant-leaning people, on the other hand, make a boundary by cutting off the contact. They often don’t realize that cutting off contact like this is actually a form of withdrawal.”

Family Patterns That Shape Attachment

Family dynamics are complex and can be difficult to describe, but psychologists have noticed and labelled several common patterns, such as enmeshment and parentification.

Enmeshment and Diffuse Boundaries

Family enmeshment describes overly close family relationships where boundaries are almost, or actually, non-existent. This is an example of extremely diffuse boundaries. Enmeshment in childhood is associated with later attachment anxiety⁸.

This makes sense, as enmeshment can lead us to feel reliant on someone else. When we feel this way, the threat of abandonment can feel like a threat to our self-concept, leading us to be overly protective of the relationship.

Parentification and Role Reversal

Parentification is when a child has to assume the role of parent. This can be literal or emotional, and it can happen for a number of reasons, including but not limited to neglect – for example, it commonly occurs when a parent or sibling is very sick.

Parentification can blur boundaries and lead to attachment insecurity in other relationships, as the parentified child often finds themselves repeating relationships in which they take on a caregiver role as an adult⁹.

How to Set Boundaries with Family

Bolstering your self differentiation could help you to set clearer, adaptable family boundaries. Emotional regulation is a core element of learning to be differentiated: it helps you to sit with discomfort, regulate high emotions, and respond calmly to others’ intense emotions.

You can also practice taking the “I position” by writing down statements from your own perspective: “I want…”, “I need…”, or “I think…” – this helps you to get in touch with your needs and communicate boundaries without blaming others.

We can’t control how people will respond, and it’s possible our attempts to set boundaries will be met poorly. This is another reason emotional regulation is so important – being able to sit with the discomfort and negative emotions associated with a negative interaction enables us to state what we need and step back without it turning into an argument.

Family Boundaries Examples: Phrases to Set Boundaries with Family

If you’re scoring well on emotion regulation (you can take our free emotion regulation test here) and you feel you understand what you need, you might be ready to set boundaries with family. Remember, boundaries are not telling someone how they should act, but how we will act in response.

When setting a boundary, be clear, calm, and to-the-point. For example:

“I need more time to myself in the evening. I’m going to be unavailable for calls after 8pm, unless it’s an emergency. If you call me after 8pm and it’s not an emergency, I will say goodbye and I won’t answer my phone until the next day.”

“I don’t like it when you raise your voice, it makes me feel on-edge. If you raise your voice during a conversation, I will walk away and come back later.”

“I want a heads-up before you come over, I do want to see you but I need time to prepare. If you come over unannounced and I’m not ready for guests, I won’t answer the door.”

Notice that all 3 of these phrases to set boundaries with family follow a similar structure: “I need this, so if you do this, I will do this.” They also include a reminder that you do want to preserve the relationship, e.g. you will answer the phone the next day, you will come back later, or you do want to see them.

“What I tell my clients to do is put the boundary together with the connection.” says Mitchell, “For example, instead of ‘I can’t discuss this with you,’ say ‘I’m not going to discuss this tonight, but I’ll call you Sunday.’ Saying the next contact out loud gives each of you less to worry about (reducing the anxiety), and feels less like abandonment.”

Mitchell continues: “I also let my clients know that they will probably need to repeat each boundary multiple times. When dealing with family, establishing a boundary is rarely just one conversation – you need to repeat the same calm statement in a warm manner until there is balance within the relationship.”

Boundary Setting Tips for Your Attachment Style

Our attachment style quiz gives 4 results: general, romantic, mother, and father. Depending on who you need to set a boundary with, you might choose to use your mother or father attachment style as a guide. If it’s someone else in your family, you might use your general attachment style.

Reflecting on your needs, finding balance, and being able to manage them are important for anyone to set boundaries with family. However, depending on your attachment patterns, it might be helpful to pay special attention to certain aspects.

Secure
You likely have a good balance with family boundaries already. If you need to set a new boundary, consider the phrases above and focus on maintaining balance.

Dismissive-Avoidant
If you’re dismissive-avoidant, your boundaries with family might already be too rigid. You might achieve more balance by loosening your boundaries, but this doesn’t mean you have to get rid of them altogether. For instance, perhaps you jump to no-contact when low-contact might suffice.

Anxious-Preoccupied
If you’re anxious-preoccupied, you might find it the most difficult to set boundaries. Use the suggested phrases, but pay extra attention to how you feel and how you’ll cope if the relationship feels disrupted. New boundaries can feel like abandonment, so take care of yourself.

Fearful-Avoidant
If you’re fearful-avoidant, it can be difficult to predict whether your boundaries are too rigid or too diffuse. You might lean closer toward anxiety or avoidance, so spending extra time considering your boundaries and how they make you feel can offer some clarity.

Signs Your Family Boundaries Need Attention

Unhealthy family boundaries can be difficult to spot, especially when they’re so normalized for you. It’s important to pay attention to how you feel around family: do you find yourself often exhausted, frustrated, or even numb after interactions with them? How does your body feel when you anticipate seeing them? What’s your initial reaction when they call or make plans?

If you suspect your family boundaries are too diffuse, it can be worth considering how your attachment patterns play into this dynamic. Setting boundaries can be particularly difficult when you have high attachment anxiety, because distance can feel like abandonment, even when it’s needed. Leaning on secure attachments with others and practicing emotional regulation skills can help you.

Conclusion

Setting boundaries with family can be more difficult than setting boundaries with anyone else – your family patterns are long-established, even since before you were born, and establishing and maintaining boundaries can feel impossible.

With that said, setting boundaries with family is possible. Understanding your family dynamics can help you to recognize what you need, and learning more about your familial attachments can clarify your understanding.

Improving your self differentiation through emotion regulation and practicing the “I” position can help you be ready to set boundaries. When you are ready to set boundaries with family, phrasing it using your “I” position and directly stating how you will respond to specific behavior is recommended. Remember, we can’t control how others will react, and it may not be what we hope for – good emotional regulation and supportive relationships with others can help us manage the emotions involved in boundary setting with family.

FAQs About Family Boundaries

How to set boundaries with a toxic family?

First, understanding your family dynamics and bolstering your differentiation of self can help you to set and maintain boundaries. When you’re ready, be clear and to the point about what you need, why you need it, and how you’ll respond if boundaries are crossed.

What are examples of family boundaries?

In families without strong boundaries, you might decide to set times when you’ll be unavailable for contact or when you won’t answer the door. You might also decide that you’ll end conversations immediately if a family member raises their voice. The boundary you need and how you choose to handle it is individual to you.

Can you set boundaries with family without cutting them off?

You can set boundaries with family without cutting them off. Instead of going no-contact with family, you can choose under what conditions you’ll see or speak to them. These should be well communicated and easy for your family member(s) to understand – e.g., if it’s just when you’re “in the mood”, they have no way of knowing when it’s ok to contact you. Instead, choose specific times or communication methods with boundaries that are easy for someone else to follow.

What are examples of healthy family boundaries?

Healthy family boundaries include a clear understanding between family members of when, where, and how you choose to communicate. For example, you don’t call when someone is likely to be asleep unless it’s necessary, or you don’t show up to someone’s home unannounced.

How do you set boundaries with a mentally ill family member?

Setting boundaries with a mentally ill family member can be more uncomfortable. They may find it more difficult to emotionally regulate, making it more likely the conversation won’t go the way you hope it will. It’s still important to communicate clearly and improve your own emotion regulation skills, but you may wish to make sure they have alternative support available if you’re no longer able to provide them with something they need. We can’t give specific advice, as what you and your family member need is unique to your situation. It’s still okay to put yourself first, and doing so can help you to take better care of someone who’s struggling.

References

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