Why Valentine’s Day is Becoming Optional

(And What Each Attachment Style Really Wants on February 14th!)

In February 2025 we gathered over 23,000 quiz responses on the question: “What’s Your Opinion on Valentine’s Day?”.

One year later, and just in time for Valentine’s Day, we are ready to share our fascinating findings from this study!

At The Attachment Project, we’re specialized in understanding how attachment patterns influence and shape adult relationships. In our experience, Valentine’s Day is something that can provoke a strong reaction – some people adore the excuse to demonstrate their romance and love, while others experience the day as over-commercialized and stressful. We wanted to better understand what our audience thinks about Valentine’s and how attachment styles may play a role in our feelings about celebrating the 14th of February.

A Glimpse At Our Methodology*

23,939 people shared views about Valentine’s Day via The Attachment Project attachment style quiz.
We split the data into four groups based on respondents’ attachment style scores: secure; anxious / preoccupied; dismissive / avoidant; fearful-avoidant / disorganized with the ECR-RS measure¹.
We used an LLM (Large Language Model) to analyze anonymized recurring language patterns across 23,000+ text responses (minimum of 10 words), which helped us identify key themes across the different groups.
Based on these analyses we were able to identify 12 cross-cutting (shared) themes, as well as clear attachment style differences.

*Data note: Each individual text response can cover multiple themes. It is important to note that percentages therefore reflect salience (how often something shows up), and to interpret themes not as mutually exclusive.

The Overall Verdict On Valentine’s Day

So what do people really think about Valentine’s Day?

Across the dataset and consistent regardless of attachment style, there was a strong shift from viewing Valentine’s Day as a relationship requirement to an optional ritual. This does not indicate that respondents were rejecting romance or the celebration of love, but were instead rejecting the social pressure that comes with commercialized holidays like Valentine’s Day, and a general sense that romance need not be confined to one big gesture on a specific day.

Why Valentine’s Day is Becoming ‘Optional’

Valentine’s Day has been celebrated in different ways for centuries. Initially with its roots in Ancient Roman celebrations of fertility, it was later popularized in the Middle Ages through the literary contributions of poets such as Chaucer who associated the day with lovers, eventually establishing it as the ‘day’ for romance.

However, what began as a gentle exchange of handmade notes and tokens of affection became an industrialized celebration during the 20th century, when Hallmark began mass-producing Valentine’s Day cards in 1913.

Today we see the red-heart-covered veil lifting, as more and more people have begun questioning whether this kind of demonstrative love really embodies the true meaning of love and romance.

What we found:

Our study identified 12 cross-cutting themes which can explain why the celebration of Valentine’s Day is losing popularity. The following represent the most salient ones:

Hype and expectations spike stress: Many responses linked the pressure of celebrating Valentine’s Day to experiences of anxiety and disappointment³. We feel anxiety that we have to “get it right” as well as disappointment “when it [Valentine’s Day] doesn’t meet our expectations”. Across all attachment styles, this theme of pressure and performance anxiety was discussed between 17%-26% of the time.
Social comparison adds to the pressure: Whether respondents were single or in a relationship, the increased access we now have to witness each other’s public displays of affection on social media has added another layer of pressure. We can now “see what everyone else is doing”, and this only fuels feelings of anxiety and disappointment⁴.
Feeling the financial pinch: As the world continues to face political turbulence and financial uncertainty, it is not surprising that many respondents are becoming more selective about how they spend their hard-earned cash². Valentine’s Day is increasingly seen as a highly commercialized holiday, and skeptics were aware of the “price-inflation” that affects hospitality (restaurants, bars, theatre) during “markup weeks” such as Valentine’s Day. Across attachment styles, 28%-40% of respondents mentioned the cost burden and commercialization playing a role in turning them off the holiday.
Beyond couples and romantic relationships: For some (especially singles) Valentine’s Day has become a celebration of non-romantic love. Respondents discussed including their friends, family members, children (and even pets!) in their celebrations, so that the day can be more than “a couples-only performance”. Between 14%-25% of respondents across attachment styles claimed to celebrate Valentine’s with more than just their romantic partners.
Privacy over performance: Finally, another strong theme of preference for celebrating the day privately and at home, versus spending on public displays of affection in crowded restaurants or bars. These respondents felt that the privacy of their own home contributes to a “greater sense of intimacy and authenticity”. This theme was particularly strong for dismissive-avoidant respondents, who mentioned year-long “communication, trust, and healthy intimacy” as more important than the holiday itself.

These opinions were then grouped into three distinct sentiments (%s represent how often this sentiment came up in responses*):

Positive celebrators: people who genuinely appreciate the excuse to demonstrate love and romance. Anxious-preoccupied respondents were the most popular style for this cluster, with 44% mentioning positive celebration. They were followed by secure respondents at 35.2%, who frequently framed the day as a good excuse to demonstrate affection and gratitude for loved ones.
Everyday pragmatists: people who prefer to demonstrate their love and romance throughout the year versus on one specific day. The attachment style which favored this sentiment the most was secure (36%), followed by dismissive-avoidant respondents (33.8%).
Commercialization skeptics: people who believe it is not about romance, but is performative and money-driven. For this sentiment group, dismissive-avoidant respondents were leaders at 40%, followed by secure (31.2%), fearful-avoidant (28.9%), and then anxious (28%).

*Data note: A reminder that %s represent the salience of each sentiment, and responses could be sorted into more than one group.

Although there were strong cross-cutting themes consistent across all respondents, there were also clear differences between respondents depending on their attachment styles.

Valentine’s Day: By Attachment Style

While the 12 cross-cutting themes were remarkably consistent across attachment styles, clear differences emerged in emphasis, emotional intensity, and what respondents valued most.

Anxious-Preoccupied: “Show me you care and make it special”

People with the anxious-preoccupied attachment style tended to share the most emotionally invested responses regarding Valentine’s Day⁵. 44% of people with this attachment style saw the day as a positive celebration, using terms like “fun”, “cute”, and “beautiful”. Respondents with higher levels of attachment anxiety in particular saw it as an opportunity to show care and appreciation, wanting the day to be meaningful and special (38%).

Nevertheless, this style also shared some of the pressures to “spoil” their partner (13%) but simultaneously questioned whether their partner would reciprocate (11%). Single respondents with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style were nearly four times more likely to report negative feelings such loneliness, sadness, and even jealousy (20% vs 5%) and three times more likely to report performance pressures (25% vs 7%). Many respondents in this group indicated that social media comparisons make their anxiety associated with Valentine’s Day worse.

Valentine’s for Anxious Attachers: For the anxious attachers who shared what they wanted on this day, things like thoughtful gestures that demonstrate attention and genuine care were strong themes. Despite having high expectations for the day, this style is more interested in the amount of tangible effort spent on celebrating Valentine’s, than the price tag attached. In other words: proof of care and thought > proof of purchase!

Dismissive-Avoidant: “Let’s keep it simple and real”

The most salient theme for this group was quality time and small, and thoughtful gestures (46.7%). People with the dismissive-avoidant attachment style were most likely to discuss a need for authenticity and were most ‘turned off’ by the pressure to dramatically demonstrate their love for partners.

This group was also highly concerned about the over-commercialization at 40% – the highest of all four attachment styles. 17.6% went as far as expressing absolute anti-holiday sentiment, with terms like “stupid”, “pointless” and “silly” commonly used to describe the day. Finally, this group placed greater emphasis on important relationship fundamentals such as communication, trust, respect, and intimacy (21%) and 17.9% of avoidant respondents mentioning greater needs for validation and reassurance during this period.

Valentine’s for Avoidant Attachers: Avoidant attachers who discussed what they wanted from this day emphasized low-key quality time in the privacy of their own homes, away from social (and commercial) pressure⁶. Similar to anxious attachers, this group showed greater preference for thoughtful gestures that show genuine care and attention over expensive gifts.

Fearful-Avoidant/Disorganized: “I want it… but not sure I trust it”

Respondents who scored high in both attachment anxiety and avoidance were categorized as ‘fearful-avoidant/disorganized’. This style is known for embodying the traits of both anxious and avoidant attachment styles – and this was mirrored in this group’s responses.

Fearful-avoidant respondents tended to show an internal conflict in their relationship with Valentine’s Day, consistent with what we know of the push-pull dynamic tendencies of this style. Like anxious-preoccupied styles, this group showed a strong positive association with the day (“cute”, “sweet”, “special”) but more frequently reported feelings of loneliness, sadness, and jealousy than the anxious attachers did (22.1%).

This group showed the most concern over Valentine’s being about performative vs. genuine affection (13.8%), and there was a distinct question over whether Valentine’s-driven romantic gestures were more than superficial “fake” or “cheesy” attempts to show-off. Expectations and disappointment (19.3%) was also another strong theme for this group, suggesting the gap between hope and reality was felt most acutely by fearful-avoidant attachment styles.

Valentine’s for Fearful-Avoidant Attachers: Similar to both anxious and avoidant attachers (but perhaps more strongly expressed): this attachment style wants Valentine’s day to be about authenticity, above all else. A gesture must be felt as real and genuine for respondents in this group to trust it.

Secure: “A nice reminder but not the main event”

Respondents who had a secure attachment style offered balanced opinions that leaned towards a more pragmatic approach to Valentine’s Day. For them, year-round love was the most salient theme (36%) and spoke of the importance of “consistency” and taking loving “actions” throughout the year, not just on February 14th. That said, they did see it as a positive reminder to show their partners love (35.2%) and still valued small, thoughtful gestures – kind words, handmade cards, showing effort – both giving and receiving.

Like all attachment styles, secure respondents prioritized spending quality time and shared experiences (28%) – preparing dinner for one another, going on a simple date night, sharing a bottle of wine. Although secure attachment styles discussed the unwanted influence of external pressures and expectations (26%), they carried far less emotion and distress in the tone of their responses.

Valentine’s for Secure Attachers: For secure attachers, no grand gestures are required here. Simply sharing an enjoyable day with their partner, small romantic gestures and an opportunity for connection is all these respondents want (much like the other styles!).

Is Valentine’s Day Only For Women?

A final finding we wanted to share pointed to a common theme around the gender dynamics of Valentine’s Day⁷. This study found a high frequency of male respondents reporting that they feel a gender imbalance when it comes to celebrating Valentine’s Day, where they’re expected to give and do more than women. All attachment styles discussed this theme, though the secure (12.4%) and fearful-avoidant attachers (7.6%) for whom this theme was most salient.

Secure attachers discussed that the format of traditional roles meant men are expected to pay and women are expected to receive. Although they discussed this, their tone was reflective and observational, rather than emotional or upset.

Fearful-avoidant attachers were most triggered by the perceived unfairness of men “having to pay more than women”. Their responses also featured questions of “who really benefits from Valentine’s Day anyway?”.

Anxious-preoccupied and dismissive-avoidant attachment styles were less explicit about any perceived gender imbalance related to the holiday. That said, both groups frequently discussed the importance for there to be balance and reciprocity in efforts from both partners.

What do you think? Is Valentine’s Day a holiday for women?

Conclusion

So what can we take away from this large-scale qualitative study on Valentine’s Day, looking through the lens of attachment theory?

Anxious attachers are more emotionally invested and can experience greater disappointment and anxiety on and around the day. Avoidant attachers are the most turned off by Valentine’s Day’s over-commercialization, while fearful-avoidant attachers are mistrusting of gestures that seem too big or performative.

Finally, secure attachers take a balanced perspective and see it as a nice-to-have, not obligation. There were also cross-cutting themes regarding people’s opinions about Valentine’s Day regardless of their style. Overall, it can be a nice reminder to show your love and care towards your partner, and it does not need to involve huge gestures or a big spend.

Tips for Valentine’s Day

If the holiday is triggering feelings of anxiety or stress, check out our article which includes helpful tips for celebrating the day in a happy and healthy way.

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